Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
TRUTH ABOUT FAMILY DEPRESSION CAN SET YOUNGER MEMBERS FREE
DEAR ABBY: Chills went through my body as I read the letter from "Torn in N.Y." asking if she should tell her children about their father's suicide. I quickly scanned to the bottom to see who had sent it. I was sure it was from someone I knew.
In 1978, my grandfather, with whom I was very close, committed suicide. I was only 4, and to ease the pain my parents told me he had "accidentally" killed himself. I never questioned their word.
One day in second grade, I was riding a bus to school. Another girl asked me if it was my grandfather who had killed himself. I adamantly denied it, but could think of little else the entire day.
When I returned home, my mother said we could talk about it when my dad got home from work. I'll never forget the looks on their faces when I asked if it was true. Yes, it was true, and it broke my heart. I cried for days, unable to understand why my grandfather would have killed himself.
I soon came to understand the depression from which he and many others in his family had suffered. He was not alone in committing suicide. His father, brother and sister had also taken their own lives. My father also battled with depression.
As I reached adolescence, I, too, became depressed. Talking with my family helped alleviate the pain I felt. I urge the mother of those preteens to tell the children the truth. The truth will set them free.
I wish my parents had told me the truth in the beginning. But I am glad I found out when I was young. I pray daily for my extended family members, who also suffer from depression, to seek help and talk with their families about it. As my mother says, "A family is only as sick as its secrets." -- KNOWING IN THE NORTHWEST
DEAR KNOWING: Thank you for sharing your firsthand experience. One of the problems with depression is that people often don't realize they have it, and therefore they don't seek help for it. It is not a "weakness." It can be a very serious health problem.
Depression can affect the entire body. The symptoms can include vague physical complaints, including a host of sleep and eating disturbances, coupled with loss of enjoyment in activities formerly pleasurable. It can affect the way people feel about themselves and the way they perceive everyday events. Persistent sadness, feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness and anxiety, and withdrawal from friends and activities may be signs of depression.
A depressive illness is NOT a passing "blue" mood. While it's normal to feel sad or moody once in a while, if this feeling lasts for more than two weeks, the problem could be depression.
The good news is that between 80 percent and 90 percent of people with depression can be successfully treated with counseling and/or medication. It is very important to talk with someone to determine if you have depression and where to seek help.
To learn more about depression, its signs and treatment, call your local mental health association or the National Mental Health Association: (800) 969-6642.
Children and teens who are experiencing depression should discuss it with their parents or school nurse.
Mental Patients Don't Deserve Society's Negative Stereotypes
DEAR ABBY: I am the director of a rehabilitation program for the chronically mentally ill. From time to time, I notice that you print letters that deal with stereotypes and negative attitudes society often holds toward certain groups. I wonder if you might print a similar letter on behalf of people who have a mental illness. One of the foremost issues facing this group is the negative prejudice that society holds against them.
I asked our group of patients to provide suggestions on how to treat a person who has a mental illness. Some of their ideas:
1. Don't be afraid of us. Despite what you see on TV and in the movies, studies have shown that the mentally ill population does not have a greater propensity toward violence than anyone else.
2. Please avoid negative stereotypical words such as "psycho," "nuts," "schizo," "loonies," etc. The emotional pain these dehumanizing words inflict upon us hurts worse than our illness does.
3. Give us a job opportunity. Abraham Lincoln and Winston Churchill, both of whom experienced mental illness, held two of the most important jobs in history. Many of us are intelligent and long for the chance to be productive members of society.
4. Please don't tell us that if we just tried harder we could "snap out of it." This insults our intelligence and implies that we are lazy. There is nothing fun or positive about having a mental illness and none of us choose to have it.
5. Be patient when you notice we are having a difficult time. It is OK to ask us if we need help.
6. Don't ask if we have taken our medication when we are angry, sad or irritable. These questions make us feel like we don't have the right to experience normal human emotions without being viewed as having an "episode."
7. Treat us like you would treat anyone else. We have a need for acceptance, just as you do. Most of us lead quite normal lives complete with families, children, employment and financial responsibilities.
Abby, with the help of recent medications and psychotherapy interventions, the treatment of mental illness has made tremendous strides in the last 10 years. Unfortunately, the prejudice against this group remains one of the most painful aspects of the disease. -- MIKE ASHWORTH, Ph.D., ARLINGTON, TEXAS
DEAR DR. ASHWORTH: You have written a very important letter. There is a lot of ignorance and misunderstanding about mental illness. Some mental illnesses can be managed effectively with therapy and medication. Others can be cured entirely. People coping with mental illness have enough complicated challenges to overcome without having to deal with the irrational fears of the supposedly "normal."
Let's face it -- there are few among us who don't have a few "kinks" here or there.
DEAR ABBY: I need help. My neighbor likes to water his lawn using my garden hose and my water. My husband and I do not wish to have a fight over it since we have to live next door to him. Aside from installing a sprinkler system, do you have any suggestions on how to handle this?
When we see him, he pretends that he's watering our flowers -- but he's really watering his lawn. -- ANONYMOUS IN NEW JERSEY
DEAR ANONYMOUS: When you're finished watering your lawn, put the hose away in a locked shed or garage. Or consider installing a locking device on the handle of the spigot, making it more difficult for your shameless neighbor to tap into your water supply.
Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Cookbooklets I and II, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)
Couple's 40 Years of Marriage Began Later Than Kids Think
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I will celebrate our 40th wedding anniversary next year. However, we conceived our first child four months before our marriage. We had always told our families that we were married six months before the actual date. We were both 18 years old and met when we were 15. Neither of us had ever had another partner, and we've had a good life together.
We raised four children (all married) and have four grandchildren. Nonetheless, we felt embarrassed and ashamed. We did not want our children to think we were promiscuous, and we feared that history might repeat itself.
Our children are planning a 40th anniversary party next year and are sending us on a trip overseas. My husband wants to tell them the truth because he feels guilty lying about the actual marriage date when they plan this expensive gift.
Abby, do you think we should tell them the truth, or leave it alone? -- NAMELESS, PLEASE
DEAR NAMELESS: I see no reason to bring this up now. I suggest you "leave it alone."
DEAR ABBY: I am writing in reference to a very short letter from "On the Spot," who wanted to know what to say to nosy people who ask, "Isn't it about time you had kids?" when you aren't planning on having any. Your answer was on target; however, I think "On the Spot" was really hinting at a much larger issue -- people assuming that everyone wants a spouse and/or children.
My husband and I struggled with our decision not to have children for three years before his vasectomy. During that time, I began to dread the family get-togethers that used to mean so much. Subtle hints and flat-out blunt questions were present in every holiday visit. This additional pressure was almost unbearable. Finally, I decided enough is enough -- the next person to ask will get an honest answer instead of being "tuned out."
My sister-in-law "Marge" (who has a habit of speaking without thinking) asked, right before the birth of her second child, when she could send the maternity clothes to my house. I thought her jaw was going to break the way it fell to the floor when I said, "Never" and changed the subject.
I've found it's a lot less stressful to speak my mind and make a few waves than to hold in my comments and feel my blood boil. I would like to remind people to THINK before they speak. Sometimes silence is much more comfortable than personal questions in an attempt to "make conversation." -- NOT A TALKER IN NEBRASKA
DEAR NOT A TALKER: I agree with that philosophy. Some people ask questions as a means of carrying on a conversation and getting the other person talking. However, they should take care that the questions are tactful and not too personal. Asking people why they don't have children is definitely out of bounds.
Believe it or not, being a good listener will do more for someone than being a glib talker.
CONFIDENTIAL TO "TRYING TO MAKE IT WORK": "The ideal marriage is not one in which two people marry to be happy, but to make each other happy." (Roy L. Smith, 1887-1963, Methodist minister)
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)