For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Son's Dream of Wedding Dance Is Nightmare for Divorced Mom
DEAR ABBY: My son is marrying a wonderful lady in a few short weeks. My problem is, he's insisting that I dance with his father, whom I divorced a few years ago.
My divorce was very hard on me, but afterward I lived my life without fear -- until now. I am engaged to a wonderful man whom my son appears to like. I am so upset over this request that I touch or put my arms around my ex-husband that I don't know what to do. This man put me through pure hell before I left, and my son knows it. When I left I had nothing. My parents paid for my divorce, apartment and my son's college education.
His father lied, would bring his girlfriend into our home with us there, never paid bills, even borrowed our son's cell phone, ran up $900 in charges and refused to pay. When an important event is going on in my son's life, I'm there and always civil to his father. But I will not let that man touch me ever again.
Please help me. I want to attend the wedding, but I can't stand the idea of my ex touching me. I'm shaking as I write this. -- SHAKING IN HARRISBURG, PA.
DEAR SHAKING: Stop shaking and speak up! Tell your son and his fiancee that you will not, under any circumstances, dance with your ex. Your reasons are valid; perhaps your son needs to be reminded of them.
DEAR ABBY: You stated to "Roman Catholic in New Jersey," who talked about a time in years past where we in America were more "tolerant and caring" toward our neighbors, that you remember a gentler time when "America pictured itself more a melting pot and less a patchwork quilt."
A gentler time for whom? Certainly not for ethnic minorities, whoever they happened to be at any time in our history. Whether they be Irish, Italian, Chinese, Japanese, Hispanic, African-American, etc., all were and some remain excluded from mainstream America. The patchwork quilt you mention is a product of that exclusion -- and to think otherwise is looking at reality through rose-colored glasses.
A glaring example of that exclusion is here in Los Angeles. It is common knowledge that the fall television schedule has all but eradicated any sense of inclusion, with programming almost exclusively comprising white actors. Los Angeles is one of the largest multicultural cities in the world!
I certainly agree with you about how this world would be a more hospitable place if attitudes were more inclusive, and I recognize the efforts of individuals and organizations that work toward that goal. But please do not continue to perpetuate the myth about the so-called "gentler time." -- IRMA R. BARRAGAN, MOORPARK, CALIF.
DEAR IRMA: Perhaps the "good old days" weren't so good for everybody. American history is a collection of events -- many of which we can point to with pride, some of which are deplorable. Although we can learn from the mistakes of the past, we cannot change them. We can change only the future.
Flawed as it may seem to be, the United States of America still stands as the No. 1 land of opportunity in the world.
P.S. Let's hope the fall television schedule is a temporary aberration.
Attitude Check Is First Step on Road to Becoming Happy
DEAR ABBY: The letter from "Bored in Roanoke, Va.," the twice-divorced man who asked for your help in changing his life, prompts this letter. Please pass this message on to him:
DEAR BORED: No one "finds" happiness. Happiness is not to be found in another person, place or thing. Happiness comes from within. The first thing you need to do is change your thinking about being "middle-aged" in your 40s. I'm 63 and find it hard to think of myself as "middle-aged" -- much less the senior citizen I really am.
Attitudes are learned. You can learn to think of others instead of thinking of yourself all the time. No one is going to "make" you happy. You will not find a happy person until you, yourself, are happy. Like attracts like. Always act interested in others. Find out all you can about the person you are with. Do good things for others and soon you'll feel good about yourself.
Be thankful each day: thankful you live in America, thankful for your health, your family, your friends, your job, your home and your pet(s). Look around you. Smile. It takes fewer muscles to smile than it does to frown. Life is wonderful if you THINK it's wonderful, and it stinks if you think it stinks. Most of your story hasn't been written yet, and the end is up to you. Make it happen. -- SHIRLEY IN SPRINGFIELD, MO.
DEAR SHIRLEY: With an attitude like yours, I'm sure you're a force to be reckoned with and the center of a large circle of friends. People love the company of those who make them feel good about themselves.
Many readers wanted to reach out and help "Bored in Roanoke." Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Didn't anything ring a bell with you when "Bored in Roanoke" said he didn't enjoy life and could not find happiness anymore? Those are strong statements. Possibly this man should seek help from a professional to determine whether or not he's suffering from depression. Those two statements show that the man clearly has met two of the criteria for depression. Depression is terribly scary, very dark, and deeper than the deepest. If that's where he is, he doesn't have to stay there, and he should know it. -- LIZ IN SOLON, IOWA
DEAR LIZ: You are a caring woman. I agree with you that if "Bored's" symptoms persist, medical help is indicated. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: "Bored" may also want to find a divorce support group in the Roanoke area. Many people do not realize that people who have been through a divorce need to go through a grieving process for their lost relationship, and may need help in rebuilding their self-esteem. Without help and support, many divorced people shut down emotionally to avoid possible future hurt.
Many communities have divorce support groups, often through a local church. These are NOT dating groups, but opportunities to connect with others who understand the needs of divorced people. It is vital that we heal ourselves before getting involved in new relationships. -- MARTHA IN GRANTS PASS, ORE.
DEAR MARTHA: Thank you for the helpful input. I'm sure it will be of interest to many people. Support and empathy can do wonders in healing a broken heart.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: My husband is a well-known surgeon, and we have two beautiful children together. One morning we awoke and made love.
Then he went off to the hospital and I left to do some errands. When I returned later in the day I was shocked to find that our house had been burglarized -- the furniture, artwork, electronic equipment had all been taken.
I called my husband's office to tell him the bad news, and his receptionist told me my husband was not available and gave me the number of his attorney. When I called the lawyer, I was told to come to the office to sign some settlement papers -- there was a check for $20,000 waiting for me that I could have if I agreed to give up custody of the children. When I called my husband's parents, who are prominent people in this community, they urged me to take it and leave the state so my husband could have a happy life with a new wife. Needless to say, I was in shock.
When I tried to hire a lawyer to represent me, I discovered that my credit cards had been revoked and our bank accounts had been cleaned out.
Abby, I never saw this coming. Do you think I'm right to stay and fight for my children? -- IN SHOCK AND HEARTBROKEN
DEAR IN SHOCK AND HEARTBROKEN: You have my respect for deciding to fight for your children against such odds, and I hope you prevail. Your husband must be a brilliant surgeon to have amputated a beating heart and left the subject viable enough for a custody battle.
Your unfortunate predicament demonstrates how important it is for a married woman to have credit and sole access to a sum of money to tide her over in case of the sudden death of a spouse or, God forbid, desertion. It's one of today's realities.
DEAR ABBY: "R.I.P'd Off in Walla Walla, Wash." complained that his father's grave has only a military marker and no gravestone. He also stated that the marker was sinking. He felt the fact that his father didn't have a gravestone was a sign of disrespect, but was unsure about approaching his mother about it.
Abby, the bronze marker he referred to was provided by the Department of Veterans Affairs. Those markers are attractive. When my mother passed away, we purchased a bronze marker for her that matches those of my father and brother -- both veterans.
If the marker is indeed sinking, he should contact the caretakers of the cemetery. They are responsible for assuring that the grounds and markers within the cemetery are properly cared for. When a marker is out of adjustment, it is their job to reset it properly. Sign me ... A VETERAN IN ARIZONA
DEAR VETERAN: A number of veterans wrote to tell me that the bronze marker provided by the VA is a type of gravestone, and one which "R.I.P'd Off" should be proud to have adorn his father's final resting place. Thank you for pointing out that the responsibility for maintaining the gravesite belongs to the cemetery caretakers, including resetting the markers when necessary.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)