Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Cookbooklets I and II, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)
Spendthrift in Laws Refuse to Live Within Their Means
DEAR ABBY: I am 25 years old and have been happily married for three years. My husband is the man of my dreams. We are both hard-working and save most of our earnings to meet future goals.
My problem is his mother and father mismanage their money terribly. Throughout their lives, no matter how much money they made, they spent more. During the past 30 years, when they overspent on phone bills, dinners out, massages, etc., they would ask for money from her brother.
Recently my father-in-law took early retirement because he is in poor health due to years of smoking and poor diet. His entire pension was used to pay off their house and accumulated debts. If they had watched their spending, I believe they would have enough through Social Security and her paycheck to pay their bills -- yet they are still spending frivolously, acquiring new debt and asking us for money.
This isn't the first time they have asked and received at inopportune moments when we really needed the money ourselves -- such as just before our wedding and at Christmas. As I was writing the most recent check a couple of weeks ago, my mother-in-law laughed and said, "If you think I know how to spend, you should see my friend 'Mary'!"
I thought to myself, we would all love to spend, spend, spend, but it shouldn't be done unless one has the means. I want to be a fair person, but now every time I think of my in-laws I fear they are going to one day wipe us out. How can I prevent it? -- DROWNING IN THEIR DEBT
DEAR DROWNING: There has been a role reversal here. Your in-laws are acting like children and you and your husband have been thrust into the role of reluctant parents. If the two of you continue bailing them out, they will never quit their frivolous spending.
You and your husband must stand firm on this. Enough is enough. Your in-laws may need some counseling in prudent financial management. If that is not an option, volumes have been written on the subject.
Saying no won't be easy, but it's important that you draw the line now!
DEAR ABBY: I am 23 years old, happily married and have two children. My 4 1/2-year-old is the result of a previous relationship. Her father left me when he found out I was pregnant and didn't show up until shortly before the delivery date. He wanted me back, so I moved back in with him. A week before our daughter was born, he dumped me again.
Abby, I am now married to a wonderful man I met within days after my daughter's birth. He adopted her and is the only father she's ever known.
I know she must be told, but when would be the best age to tell her about her birth father? -- CLUELESS IN MICHIGAN
DEAR CLUELESS: As soon as your daughter is old enough to understand the difference between "biological father" and "adoptive father," begin telling her the story. Tell her only as much as she wants to know and fill in more details later, when she has a need to know and asks you questions. Be sure to let her know that she is special -- and that her daddy fell in love with BOTH of you at first sight.
FREELOADING COLLEGE CHUMS FLUNK COURSE ON MANNERS
DEAR ABBY: I have a college friend who visits annually with her family. They've been coming in November, but we live in a small town and find it difficult to entertain them in the fall. So last November we suggested that, since there is a campground with a beautiful lake nearby, they camp here during the summer. They came this July, but were tired of camping after a two-week vacation, so they asked if they could stay at our home.
There are six people in my family. My husband is a schoolteacher and I am unemployed. My friend has a family of four. Both she and her husband have good jobs, and their annual income must be roughly twice what ours is.
They don't offer to help pay for groceries, even though we always run out of milk or bread while they're here and they often go to the grocery store with us. We have gone out to eat with them, just so we won't have to buy groceries for them. They always pay for their own meals, but never offer to treat us.
Last month, my family stayed with my sister for four days. We bought $50 worth of groceries, treated their family to pizza, bought them a videotape and gave them $15 in cash. We weren't being generous; we just felt we were being fair.
Would it be wrong, the next time these friends tell us they are coming, to bill them $10 per day for meals? We've dropped so many hints we're almost rude, but we feel, after 15 years, it's time they stopped taking advantage of us. We've stopped enjoying their visits and are afraid, now that they've come in the summer, they'll begin visiting us twice a year. I'd like to tell them how I feel but have never had the nerve. Am I being petty? -- USED IN THE NORTHWEST
DEAR USED: Petty? You have been tolerant beyond belief to have allowed these freeloaders to take advantage of you for 15 years. It should be clear to you by now that if you don't put your foot down, they will continue to take advantage of you.
The next time your college chum calls to arrange a visit, tell her that you'll be charging them $60 a day, to cover the costs of feeding them, and the additional water, electricity and telephone charges you have assumed during their past visits.
Something tells me that once you stand up for yourself, your problem -- and your annual houseguests -- will vanish.
DEAR ABBY: The letters in your column concerning baldness prompt this letter.
Did you know there is a support group called "Bald-Headed Men of America" that instills pride in being bald? They hold an annual conference every September, and exchange feelings and experiences through group discussions that further the acceptance of being bald. It is their conviction that the best "cure" for baldness is to promote a positive mental attitude -- with humor. -- PAT BECKER, SCOTTSDALE, ARIZ.
DEAR PAT: Thank you for the "heads up." A positive mental attitude and a sense of humor are seductive qualities, regardless of the state of one's hairline.
Those interested in learning more about Bald-Headed Men of America may write: 102 Bald Drive, Morehead City, N.C. 28557. The telephone number is 1-252-726-1855 and the e-mail address is: jcapps4102@aol.com.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Hospital Room Is No Place to Conduct a Family Feud
DEAR ABBY: Many years ago, when I was a volunteer at a Veterans Hospital, I went into a room to visit a World War II veteran. His wife and grown children were arguing loudly and trying to get him involved. He looked at them for a while, and silently turned over. The visitors didn't notice me or the doctor who came in behind me; they just kept blaming each other about something. We both walked out and I noticed the doctor shaking his head in disbelief.
Not long ago when I was recovering from a five-way bypass and a stroke on the operating table, my roommate's wife and daughter came in to tell him about all the troubles they were having at home. The poor man had enough troubles of his own. I later mentioned it to a nurse. She told me that all the hospital patients have the same problem.
Hospitals should have a sign at the entrance that reads: "Leave your troubles at home while visiting patients." -- ERNEST A. SCHICHLER SR., COLUMBIA, S.C.
DEAR ERNEST: I agree. Subjecting patients who are sick enough to be hospitalized to additional stress is hardly therapeutic. Tranquility should be the order of the day.
And while I'm at it, visiting hours should be respected because patients need their rest.
DEAR ABBY: I'm so angry I'm seeing red! When my nephew recently married, relatives gave his future bride and him a shower. We live 1,100 miles away, so I assumed the invitation we received had been sent as a polite gesture. We can't afford to travel that distance for either the wedding or the shower.
My husband and I decided to send an expensive gift for the wedding instead of two smaller gifts for each occasion. We explained this to our sister-in-law. She was so offended that she dug out two unused gifts she had received, wrapped them, signed our names, and presented them to the bridal couple at the shower!
When I learned of this, I was livid. I felt like a fool being thanked for the gifts. Abby, don't you think I have the right to determine which gifts I give and to whom? Was that tacky? We're not kids -- my husband and I are both in our 40s. -- DUMBFOUNDED IN TEXAS
DEAR DUMBFOUNDED: Yes, it was tacky and I don't blame you for being peeved. Since you were unable to attend either the wedding or the shower, you were very generous to have sent a wedding gift. Your sister-in-law's gesture may have been well-meant, but it was out of line.
DEAR ABBY: A lot has been said about the health benefits from quitting smoking. I have an extra benefit I'd like to mention.
I was a smoker for more than 50 years. During the last 20 years, I smoked three packs a day.
When I finally decided to quit in 1997, I began putting aside the money I would have spent on cigarettes. In November of '98 I took my wife and two young grandchildren from Oregon to Disneyworld in Florida for eight days.
I'm still not smoking, still saving and plan to take my wife and oldest granddaughter to Hawaii in April of 2000.
Abby, my health is better now and I'm really enjoying retirement. Sign me ... HAPPY TRAVELER, TIGARD, ORE.
DEAR HAPPY TRAVELER: Congratulations -- and aloha!
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)