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Rude Future in Laws Accuse Woman of Stealing Their Son
DEAR ABBY: I am a 32-year-old divorcee who is soon to be remarried, and already I am having trouble with the "in-laws." I have never encountered people so rude in all my life. They refuse to have anything to do with me.
My fiance's parents were cordial and friendly to me until I began dating their son. Then came the dirty looks and rude behavior. Abby, I have never done anything to offend these people. Even my fiance agrees that I have done nothing wrong.
His mother said point-blank to me, "You wait until someone steals YOUR son and see how it feels!" I realize that there might be some sadness that her "baby" has decided to leave the nest, but for heaven's sake, the baby is 26 years old and has a mind of his own. This is nature taking its natural course.
It has been a year and a half, and they still will have nothing to do with me. However, they expect their son to come home and visit, and he does. I am angry that he goes there knowing full well how they feel about me. What should I do? -- HURT IN ADAMS CENTER, N.Y.
DEAR HURT: Your fiance's mother is still attached to her son by an emotional umbilical cord, and the only person who can successfully cut it is your fiance. The situation won't improve until your fiance makes it clear that he expects his future wife to be treated with courtesy and respect, or they won't be seeing much of either of you.
DEAR ABBY: I would like to point out something you seem to have missed in your response to "Itching on the East Coast." She was upset with her sister-in-law, who is a hypochondriac and always knows how everyone feels. Unfortunately, I truly DO know how "Itching" feels; my father died last Christmas after an eight-month battle with pancreatic cancer. I, too, spent many sleepless nights caring for or worrying about him. Other people, including my husband and children, got on my nerves -- especially those who were trying to make me feel better.
Luckily, I had to see my family doctor to get an expired prescription refilled. The short story is, I broke down in her office. I told her that my father was dying, that I wasn't sleeping well, and that people were getting on my nerves so much that I wanted to scream at them. She diagnosed me with reactive depression and prescribed medication to help me through that difficult time.
If "Itching" has put up with her sister-in-law for 13 years, I'm willing to bet that the sister-in-law's personality is not the real problem here. Please urge her to see a doctor and describe what is going on in her life. It's extremely difficult to watch a loved one die under any circumstances. When you are one of the primary caretakers in such a situation, the emotional strain can be overwhelming.
Depression can be terribly debilitating, but with the medications available today, it can also be controlled. Sign me ... REALLY HAVE BEEN THERE IN ILLINOIS
DEAR REALLY: Thank you for sharing your insight. When the writer complained about her sister-in-law's actions over a period of many years, it did not occur to me that the real problem might be that the stress of her present situation was coloring her reactions. I agree with you that a visit to her physician could be in order. Thank you for pointing it out.
DEAR ABBY: I am a single mother with two sons, ages 10 and 18, both of whom I love very much. I am becoming more and more concerned about my 10-year-old, "Trevor." Trevor has many interests and is highly intelligent for his age. But his interests trouble me.
While most boys pour over baseball cards and speak of little girls, Trevor has taken an interest in cooking and dance. He doesn't mix well with other boys, is teased constantly and hates the walk to school. He is effeminate and introspective. I have come to the conclusion that Trevor is a homosexual -- or rather, will be when he's more developed.
My question to you, Abby, is -- what can I do to make this "coming out" process easier on my son? I support him in his interests. I even bought him a cookbook for his birthday this year. Do you think it's too early to speak of sexuality to Trevor? Should I enroll him in karate? What do you think? -- WORRIED IN WOODLAND HILLS, CALIF.
DEAR WORRIED: You are a caring and supportive parent, but just because at age 10 Trevor seems slow in developing an interest in girls does not automatically guarantee that he's a budding homosexual. (He could be a budding Gene Kelly or Wolfgang Puck.)
The most important thing you can do for Trevor is to let him know you love him unconditionally, regardless of his eventual orientation, and that he can talk openly with you about anything that's on his mind. By all means talk to him about sexuality, in an age-appropriate way. The discussion should be one that is ongoing.
If your son is being harassed at school and on the way to school, discuss it with the principal. Your son is legally entitled to an education free of harassment.
Counseling might help Trevor repair his self-esteem. The counselor can help him decide the most effective means of dealing with the abuse he is receiving.
DEAR ABBY: This is in response to "Maggie Rose, Edmonds, Wash.," who had to confront men at a ball game about their swearing.
About 50 years ago, my older brother was given a "Ten Reasons for Swearing" card. I am happy to say it broke him of the habit. Whenever I hear a man or woman swear, I just say, "I couldn't help overhearing you. Welcome to the club," as I hand them a card. It does work. I have had more than 10,000 of them printed.
If you feel they are worth sharing with your readers, feel free to do so. -- MONTY INSKO, CARDIFF BY THE SEA, CALIF.
DEAR MONTY: If your "Ten Reasons for Swearing" makes the offenders take a moment to cool off, they're certainly worth sharing:
10 REASONS FOR SWEARING
1. It pleases Mother so much.
2. It's a fine mark of manliness.
3. It proves that I have self-control.
4. It indicates how clearly my mind operates.
5. It makes my conversation so pleasing to everybody.
6. It leaves no doubt in anyone's mind as to my good breeding.
7. It impresses people that I have more than an ordinary education.
8. It's an unmistakable sign of culture and refinement.
9. It makes me desirable personally among women and children in respectable society.
10. It's my way of honoring God, who said, "Thou shall not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain."
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Faithful Correspondent Feels Hurt by Her Faithless Friends
DEAR ABBY: I have never written to you before, but I'd like to get this off my chest.
Two years ago, I moved 1,200 miles from the East Coast to my hometown in Colorado. I left all my friends behind, people I had known for at least five years -- and some for as long as 20 years. I have spent a bundle on cards, stamps and photos in an effort to keep in touch with those I love and miss. I want them to know "I care about you" and "You're worth the time and effort for me to stay in touch."
The problem, Abby, is that very few of these people have replied to my letters. I realize that people are busy, or they may not enjoy writing letters like I do. But even a postcard would make me happy. My feelings are hurt because of their lack of effort. I've tried telling myself, "So don't write them anymore," but that is just not me. I've always been the one who keeps people in contact with others. I like letting people know that they're not forgotten.
Abby, please remind people that spending maybe 10 minutes to write a letter may make a world of difference, especially to someone who lives far from friends. -- MISSING THEM IN COLORADO
DEAR MISSING THEM: The art of letter writing has changed with the times. E-mail, faxes, form letters and quick phone calls are time-savers for busy people. Consider making a game of it, by sending a short, humorous questionnaire asking your friends specific questions about their lives and loves. Be sure to include a stamped, self-addressed envelope. Or better yet, telephone or e-mail instead of writing a letter.
DEAR ABBY: I hope you can stand another "grandmother story." She's been gone for a few years, but we still get a laugh over this one:
I was married in 1976. I had a beautiful morning church Mass and afternoon reception. Gram selected a gorgeous dress for the reception. Because she had no time to change after Mass, she wore a lovely coat and hat -- hats were worn at that time -- for church.
Pictures were taken outside after Mass; then we were off to the reception. We had planned to take a four-generation (all female) photo at the reception. When the time came, Gram was still decked out in her hat and coat. Well, we asked her to remove the winter garb for the photo -- and she said she couldn't. It seems that while she was dressing, she decided to give her hair one last heavy coat of hair spray. When she tried to remove her hat, it was glued to her hair!
Now when I get lonely for Gram, I take out my album and look at that photo -- everyone in best dresses and my grandmother in her hat and coat. Twenty years later, it still makes me smile. -- STILL MISS GRAM, FORT WORTH, TEXAS
DEAR STILL: Hats off to you for sharing that smile.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)