Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Aunt Wonders Just How Far Family Ties Must Be Extended
DEAR ABBY: I have two nephews and one niece, all teen-agers, who have lived with their father and stepmother for eight years. Their father divorced their mother, who is my sister.
Their stepmother, "Sharon," is trying to make me feel guilty for not sending her daughter gifts for birthdays and Christmas as I do my own relatives. She has informed me that her family considers my niece and nephews to be "family," and gives gifts to them on such occasions –- and she strongly implies that I should too. I resent Sharon pointing this out to me, especially since she does not encourage my niece and nephews to acknowledge the gifts they receive from me with even a simple thank-you note or phone call. Although my gifts are seldom acknowledged, I continue to send them out of a sense of obligation since they are my blood relatives.
Should I succumb to Sharon's wishes and include her daughter, even though I'm not a relative and feel ill will toward Sharon? -– CONFUSED WITH THE PROTOCOL, CHICAGO
DEAR CONFUSED: Yes, you should, because to do otherwise is to punish a child who had nothing to do with the breakup of your sister's marriage. And while you're at it, how about sending your niece and nephews a box of stationery and a note explaining the importance of acknowledging gifts? If you get that message across, it will be more valuable to them than any material possession you could give them.
DEAR ABBY: I am in love with my first cousin. We're both more than 40 years old. We knew we were attracted to each other 30 years ago, but we didn't say anything to each other at that time. He went ahead and got married. I remained single. He is now divorced.
A month ago we were at a funeral. That night we both decided to speak the truth to each other. After that, I returned home and told my sisters and brothers about it. Now they treat me like an outcast. I don't know what to say to them anymore.
Abby, I'm a grown woman and not a child. My cousin and I both want the same things out of life. This relationship will last until the end of time. Why can't my family stand to see me happy? -– IN LOVE IN NEW JERSEY
DEAR IN LOVE: Perhaps they're concerned because this seems so sudden to them. In addition, it isn't legal in some states for first cousins to marry.
People used to believe that if first cousins married, it might promote genetic defects in their offspring. However, since the advent of genetic testing for couples contemplating marriage, the risk of defects can be evaluated and ruled out. Your physician can help you allay your siblings' fears. If not, you may have to choose between your new love and your family.
DEAR ABBY: The letter about the grandmother in the Florida retirement home reading your column to residents who can no longer see well enough to read prompts this letter. I, and others, read your column faithfully to the 10,000 or so Sun Sounds Radio listeners, as our service to the print-disabled. "Dear Abby" rates as a MUST in Tucson. -– CONCHITA COLLINS
DEAR CONCHITA: Your letter made my day. I'm complimented that you and your listeners consider my column a "must." My congratulations for performing a worthwhile service for individuals who are unable to read on their own.
Lockout by Niece's Husband Stops Aunt's Pantry Raids
DEAR ABBY: My "Aunt Maude," whom I dearly love, visits me once a month to do some shopping -– in my pantry. She lives 40 miles away and comes over with a shopping bag she fills with canned goods as well as paper products.
My husband is furious about it, and remarked that if Aunt Maude was in financial distress, there would be no problem. However, she owns rental properties and is financially secure. He calls her a parasite and a vulture for taking advantage of a younger relative with a heart of gold. He has threatened many times to put a lock on the pantry door to prevent such thievery, and he finally did, installing a strong lock and keeping the keys.
During her next visit, Aunt Maude, after making some small talk, went to the pantry only to find it locked and barred to her. In short order, she said she had to visit another relative and left. Now she refuses to visit me.
Abby, I know what she was doing was wrong, but she did bring me news of the family and I enjoyed her company. What can I do to repair the damage and make her feel at home, without her grabbing the goodies from my pantry? My husband told me the minute he hears she's on the way to visit us, the pantry door will be locked again. Any advice? –- SAD NIECE, SAN ANTONIO
DEAR SAD NIECE: If coming into the house of relatives and raiding the pantry is considered acceptable behavior in your family, you should make that clear to your husband. If it's not, then it's time you opened your own direct line of communication with your relatives so that you no longer have to "ransom" news of them from your dysfunctional aunt.
You might send her a gift basket filled with the kinds of goodies she's been stealing from your pantry, and hope she'll accept your conciliatory gesture -– but I can't guarantee the result.
DEAR ABBY: We have a question about what to say when we take our adult children and their spouses out to dinner when we visit them in another state. These people range in age from 39 to 55 and have been on their own for years.
We don't appreciate it when they order more than one cocktail before dinner, so what could we say that would be nonconfrontational, but convey to them that we don't want to support their drinking habit? -– DEVOTED PARENTS, SOMEWHERE
DEAR DEVOTED PARENTS: There is no need to be confrontational. Simply tell your "children" before dinner that you will pay for only one round of drinks –- and after that, if they choose to imbibe, they should ask for a separate check.
DEAR ABBY: Can you stand one more comment concerning "unattended" children?
I was co-owner of an antique store. My partners and I decided to put up a sign that read, "All Unattended Children Will Be Given a Free Kitten."
Abby, the look of panic on the parents' faces was priceless! We had some tiny fabric kittens that we gave the children who wanted one -– and we got a lot of laughs from it. –- FAITHFUL READER, SMALL TOWN, TEXAS
DEAR FAITHFUL READER: I think you came up with a purr-fect solution, and it's certainly friendlier than the sign other readers reported: "Unattended Children Will Be Sold as Slaves."
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: On a recent trip back East, my father reunited with his childhood sweetheart and is now seeking a divorce after 32 years of marriage to my mother. Apparently my father has never gotten over this woman and had pined away for her since the day he married my mother.
The trouble is, he feels the need to tell everyone (including friends, family, strangers and my new boyfriend) about his dilemma in complete detail. He goes on and on about how terrible my mother is, why he needs to leave her and be with this other woman, etc.
How can I approach my father on the subject of appropriateness? I would like to tell him to put a lid on it, but then he pouts because he feels I'm not "supporting" him. Have you any suggestions, Abby? He doesn't need to be airing our family laundry in such detail with each and every person he encounters. -– THROWN FOR A LOOP IN L.A.
DEAR THROWN FOR A LOOP: Tell him exactly what you have told me and don't mince any words, because you are absolutely right. Also, don't count on muzzling the old dog. He's trying to justify throwing away his marriage and abandoning the wife he "tolerated" for 32 years. And frankly, he's only making himself look bad.
DEAR ABBY: I have a beautiful, brilliant daughter who has graduated with three degrees and high honors, but she seems to have no common sense.
She was engaged to her high school boyfriend, whom we all loved, then ditched him to date his friend. She gave up several excellent jobs, always landing on her feet, dated several men we all disapproved of, almost married a physical abuser (who, thankfully, dumped her just before the wedding), traveled all over the U.S.A. and Europe, and returned to another wonderful job.
She now lives with a slob, 15 years younger than herself, with no future and no money. He looks like an unmade bed with long dirty hair. I am mystified about how she can possibly introduce this person to her co-workers or others, ignoring the embarrassment to all of us. What is going on here? We had a huge blowup, and she now refuses to speak to me. -– HER LOVING MOTHER
DEAR LOVING MOTHER: Your daughter appears to be experienced, accomplished and successful at almost everything she has attempted. Apparently she is happy with this man, so he must be doing something right.
If you are truly a loving mother, be less critical of what you perceive to be his shortcomings and concentrate on the fact that he makes your daughter happy. Although you are well-intentioned, this is a choice that only she should make –- and she has made it.
DEAR ABBY: The letter from the woman who was uncomfortable about using her father-in-law as her OB/GYN prompts this letter. "Uncomfortable" posed a question I often receive at the South Carolina Board of Medical Examiners from practicing physicians.
It would be unprofessional and unethical for the father-in-law of "Uncomfortable" to serve as her physician, according to the American Medical Association Council on Ethical and Judicial Affairs.
If her father-in-law treats her, his license could well be subject to disciplinary action by his state medical board, and if he does so against her will, it SHOULD be. The father-in-law has only one ethical alternative: Decline to treat "Uncomfortable." –- AARON J.KOZLOSKI, J.D., M.P.A., BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
DEAR AARON: If my prior column on the subject did not settle the question, I'm certain that your letter will put the matter to rest. Thank you for your expert opinion.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)