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DEAR ABBY: I am a teacher. One of the first things I tell students when we discuss examinations is, "Answer the question!" Your reply to the question, "Why is it OK to be a racist if you're black?" had nothing to do with the question. Want to try again? -– CINCINNATI EDUCATOR
DEAR CINCINNATI: All right. Racism is never "OK," regardless of the skin color of the bigot. Not all people are alike, and it is ignorant to assume that you can prejudge a person because of skin color. You can't. There are no shortcuts. You have to get to know people before you can make intelligent judgments about them. To do otherwise is narrow-minded and shortsighted.
The letter from "My Kid's Mom" generated some thought-provoking responses. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I am now retired, but during my 33 years of teaching American history at four universities, my primary research field was the history of race relations in the United States. One of my books, "The Arrogance of Faith: Christianity and Race in America From the Colonial Era to the Twentieth Century" (Knopf, 1990), was selected for the Cleveland Foundation's Anisfield-Wolf Award, and the publisher nominated it for a Pulitzer Prize.
Racism is a complex idea and can mean different things to different people. The definition that has worked best for me is: "A belief in an innate inequality among races, and conduct in accordance with that belief." Civil rights laws can control conduct but they cannot legislate belief. Changing beliefs comes only with education, and that takes time.
"My Kid's Mom" said her daughter wondered why it "... is OK to be racist if you're black." Well, it's NOT OK. Discrimination by blacks toward whites is no more acceptable than the reverse, but it might be helpful if more people understood why it exists.
I know of no dark-skinned people who believe they are innately superior to light-skinned people, at least not those living in Western societies. But for five centuries, Europeans (and later Americans), driven by religious beliefs and supported by economic and military superiority, systematically oppressed –- including enslavement and extermination –- the aboriginal populations of undeveloped cultures. Today, dark-skinned people have the power to retaliate. As long as white racism exists, they will exercise that power. -– FORREST G. WOOD, BAKERSFIELD, CALIF.
DEAR FORREST: The subject of bigotry is an emotional one for me, and I thank you for putting it into a scholarly perspective. I agree with your conclusion. Viewed from a historical perspective, reverse racism is understandable. But that doesn't make it any the less unfortunate. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: As a proud African-American man, father and citizen, I wish to respond to the letter from "My Kid's Mom." There is no racism in the African-American community in the United States. What you see is the anguish of being black in a white country. What whites see as racism is, in reality, the pain of being discriminated against on a daily basis because of our color. It's a defense mechanism in order to be ready for any contingency that arises.
Oppressed people do what they have to do for survival in a hostile and unfriendly, dangerous country like we have here in America. I teach my kids to be tough and smart, for a black person is always surrounded by whites with racist attitudes. Never let your guard down. -– THOMAS ANTHONY JONES SR. IN GEORGIA
DEAR THOMAS: You have laid it on the line, and the message is clear. However, I recall a wonderful statement attributed to Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.: "We may have come here on different ships, but we're all in the same boat." Wise words, indeed!
Best Friends Pay High Cost for Lessons in Partnership
DEAR ABBY: Last March, my best friend, "Emma," and I opened a business together.
We had a falling out three weeks ago and haven't spoken since. She's very stubborn and can't admit when she's wrong. On a hunch, I called the 24-hour banking service for our business account. Lo and behold, the balance was zero. A week ago it held more than $200. I checked further. There have been four ATM transactions in the last two weeks –- all withdrawals. One was done at a store where business was more than likely done; however, the others were done at the supermarket.
Abby, we were best friends –- or so I thought. I feel Emma stole the money. She didn't let me know we owed people who had helped us get started, so of course I have to pay them back.
I am so angry and hurt I don't know what to do. Our friendship is over. I'm really going to miss that because Emma was like a sister to me. I don't know what to do from here -– take her to court, scream at her, tell the world or just let it go. Your thoughts, please. -– STEPPED ON AND USED IN N.J.
DEAR USED: Now that you have vented, call your former business partner and ask her to account for the money that was supposed to be in the business account. She MAY have had a legitimate reason for withdrawing the funds.
You did not indicate how much money you feel obligated to pay back to the individuals who helped the two of you start the business. Since it was a partnership, you should not be on the hook for more than 50 percent of it. Add to it the money that should have been left in the joint account. If it's more than you can comfortably afford to lose, by all means take her to small claims court. If not, consider this an expensive introductory course in business accounting and safeguarding your investment –- and write her off.
DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have been annoyed by something for some time. We have a few friends who visit us at least twice a week. They insist upon hugging at every greeting and goodbye. Whether at my house, in public or elsewhere -– hugs are expected.
Should we just grin and bear the excessive hugging? Or should we avoid the hug and address the issue with them? –- OVERHUGGED IN LONG BEACH, CALIF.
DEAR OVERHUGGED: Tell your friends, as kindly as possible, that not all people are equally demonstrative –- and that all the hugging they take for granted makes you uncomfortable. Assure them of your caring and friendship, and ask them to please understand. If they are true friends, they will.
DEAR ABBY: When writing thank-you notes, how do you deal with gifts from a group of people? Do you write an individual thank-you to each person who signed the card, or can you send a "group" thank-you? -– TRAECY IN CLACKAMAS, ORE.
DEAR TRAECY: Much depends upon how many people make up the "group." For example, if the group comprises approximately 25 to 30 or more people, one thank-you note would be sufficient.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Bullies Roam the Hallways in Schools Across the U.S.A.
DEAR ABBY: I'm writing in response to the letter from "A Mom Who Loves Her Son, Anywhere, U.S.A." She arranged counseling for her angry son, and she wrote hoping that publicity will be given to counselors specializing in adolescents. She also mentioned that the apparent reason for her son's unhappiness and anger was that he "felt intimidated and threatened by groups of older students at his large suburban high school."
This behavior has a name. It's called BULLYING, and it victimizes millions of schoolchildren every year. Presumably, if the son had not been bullied, he would not have become so angry and would not have NEEDED counseling. Surely this is a perfect example of why there is a need for "prevention" –- the elimination of bullying.
"Mom" wrote in response to the tragedy in Littleton. Immediately after the tragedy, young people themselves also responded by identifying bullying as a serious problem in our schools.
Students in Hillsboro High School in Nashville, Tenn., created the "I WILL PLEDGE" and urged fellow students to sign the pledge not to mock or bully others who dress, act, look or talk differently. At the time, these student observations and efforts were reported in the media. Now the media no longer look to these young experts for input and advice, but have reverted to reporting and quoting only adult "experts" who appear not to have heard the youth. While gun control and violence in the media certainly must be addressed, the adult policy-makers and administrators do not seem to grasp the urgent importance of dealing with bullying consistently over the long term in a public and publicized way.
Only with raised awareness of the widespread and devastating consequences of bullying will society be able to rid itself of the attitude that teasing and taunting are "just something to put up with." Only with raised awareness will educators and school personnel realize and accept that only they can accomplish zero tolerance of the bullying that occurs daily in classrooms, restrooms, hallways, cafeterias, playgrounds and on school buses. Only with raised awareness will millions of silently suffering children from elementary school through high school be spared this humiliation and pain. –- ANOTHER MOM WHO LOVES HER SON, ANYWHERE, U.S.A.
DEAR MOM: You have expressed it beautifully. Your thinking parallels my own. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I am 12 years old. Starting in the fourth grade, no one in my class really cared for me. A boy named "Tom" and a girl named "Megan" were the exceptions.
After fourth grade, Megan gave in to peer pressure, so Tom and I were the outcasts. At the end of the year, Tom moved -– so I spent the first half of the sixth grade as the lone outcast.
My family and I moved to Iowa about a year ago. I enrolled in school and for the first few days I was accepted. Then one day I said or did something that offended the other kids and my old life came back. I am haunted with the name-calling and teasing and feel like I'm going crazy.
I came home from school crying, and have even mentioned suicide to my mom. The teachers have helped some, and I've spoken to two counselors. Today I thought of having a train hit my arm, with the intention of breaking it, to prove my seriousness. Please help me. -– 12-YEAR-OLD WEIRDIE IN IOWA
DEAR 12-YEAR-OLD: You are not alone with this problem; you have lots of company. Suicide is not the answer, nor is breaking your arm. You need intensive professional counseling immediately. Please ask your mother to write to me so I can advise her more fully. I promise that your situation will improve.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)