For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Unsettling Year of Changes Puts Marriage on the Rocks
DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Earl," and I married when I was 23 and he was 26. We had dated for five years long-distance. We moved to an area where he could get a job -- 15 hours from my home in Connecticut, but only two hours from his home in South Carolina. Since I am a teacher, I have more flexibility.
During the first year, Earl quit his job to go to college. He also began an affair, which resulted in his moving out of our apartment and moving in with his girlfriend, who was also married. Because of state law, we had to be separated a full year before filing for divorce.
The year is just about to end. I have moved to New Jersey and Earl has gone back to his original job. After six months of not seeing or hearing from him, he called my family to get my phone number. Now Earl is saying that he has realized his mistakes and is straightening out his life -- yet he is still living with his girlfriend! He suggested that divorce is "not needed" and that "possibly" things may work between us.
Abby, I am not a silly schoolgirl thinking her knight has returned, but should I EVER (even if not now) give Earl the chance to re-establish the relationship that was so strong between us for 5 1/2 years, as purely friends? My friends doubt whether I could ever trust him as a friend, but should he be given the chance? -- SOON TO BE A GEN-EX STATISTIC
DEAR SOON TO BE: You have nothing to lose by listening to what your soon-to-be-ex has to say. But remain skeptical until he leaves his girlfriend. Even if he wants to revive the marriage, do not agree until the two of you have had many months of marriage counseling.
DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend and I have been together for two years. We live together. I am 29 and he is 31. I love him and think we have a great relationship.
His mother passed away last summer. The nursing home she was in took all her savings and she didn't have funeral insurance, so the costs for everything rested on the two of us. While he has two older sisters and one older brother, two of them didn't even come to the memorial service or help pay for the funeral costs. We chose to have her cremated.
We had very little money at the time, but a minister friend of mine held a lovely church memorial service in her honor, and my father held the repast at his home. My divorced parents made sandwiches and drinks for my boyfriend's family, and one of my boyfriend's sisters graciously paid for 75 percent of the cremation costs.
A few days after the service, his sister returned home and his mother's ashes were left with us. None of the children want them, and for the past year my boyfriend has stored them in our bedroom closet. I am uncomfortable with them being there. I really liked his mother a lot and have a problem seeing that box of ashes every morning when I get dressed for work.
How should I broach this with my boyfriend? -- HAUNTED IN NEW JERSEY
DEAR HAUNTED: Since the remains make you uncomfortable, suggest to your boyfriend that his mother's ashes deserve a more dignified resting place than a box in a bedroom closet. Then go with him to investigate the cost of placing her ashes in one of the local cemeteries, and discuss payment plans.
Another option: According to the Funeral and Memorial Societies of America, as of 1998 it's legal in all 50 states to scatter ashes. Perhaps you can find an appropriate and meaningful spot for her remains.
Crime Prevention Services Are Available Free of Charge
DEAR ABBY: Although the crime rate has been dropping nationwide for the past several years, our citizens still fear being victimized. Of the crimes that are committed, the majority could have been avoided if the victim had taken some preventive measures.
Most law enforcement agencies have crime prevention specialists available to their citizens free of charge. A wide variety of literature and training courses are available to the business and residential communities. Some of the training and programs offered are: auto theft prevention, personal safety, fraud prevention, workplace violence prevention, robbery prevention and survival, Neighborhood Watch, programs for senior citizens, and burglary prevention -- including on-site security inspections of homes and businesses.
Parents tell their children not to talk to strangers, but most children who are abducted are taken by someone they know. The Internet can be a very dangerous place for a child. These and other child safety issues can be addressed by a crime prevention specialist.
Anyone can become the victim of a crime. As a police officer, I assure you that we would rather educate people in crime prevention techniques than work with them as crime victims. Abby, I would encourage your readers to contact their local law enforcement agency to find out what crime prevention services are offered and take advantage of those services. When it comes to criminal activity, an ounce of prevention is worth a ton of cure. -- GARRY CUOSO-VASQUEZ, CHIEF OF POLICE, MONTEBELLO, CALIF.
DEAR CHIEF CUOSO-VASQUEZ: Thank you for a thought-provoking letter. I'm sure that many readers will be pleasantly surprised to know about the crime prevention programs that are available in their communities simply by asking their local police departments for them.
DEAR ABBY: This is another letter on the subject of grandparents raising grandchildren.
When I was 55, I took early retirement because our two grandsons, ages 8 and 6, came to live with us while their grandma worked and their mother went back to school.
For the next several years, they divided their time between their mother and us, sometimes staying with us for several months. The older boy made it permanent when he was 16, and stayed until he finished school and went out on his own. Now 20, he still sends me a present for Father's Day.
My younger grandson, now 18, is living with his mother and stepfather. When he graduated from advanced infantry training at Fort Benning, Ga., guess who was invited to attend? I must have been the proudest grandpa there.
Raising teen-agers wasn't easy. There were quarrels and raised voices, but we got over it. We loved them when they were here and missed them when they were gone. Would I do it again? Absolutely! I wouldn't change a thing. -- GLENN R. SHARP, PROUD GRANDPA, HILLSBORO, ORE.
DEAR GLENN: What an inspirational story of how love can bind a family together! You are justifiably proud. My congratulations on a job well done.
NOT CONFIDENTIAL TO MORT PHILLIPS: Happy 60th anniversary, Darling! Every night is New Year's Eve and every day is Thanksgiving since I married you. Thank you for making me the luckiest woman alive.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
TODDLER IS ONLY MAN FOR MOM WHO'S HAPPY WITH SINGLE LIFE
DEAR ABBY: Why do people assume that happiness comes only with a relationship or marriage? I am a 24-year-old, happy, successful mother who enjoys the single life. I loved my son's father very much but things did not work out for us, and he hasn't been around for three years. I work at least 50 hours a week at my dream job, and enjoy my evening and weekend time with my 5-year-old son.
However, everywhere I go I hear how I "need" someone, or people ask how I can stand to sleep alone every night. (I love it!) I have been told by men wanting a relationship that it is "unnatural" to prefer being single and that my son "needs" a father.
Abby, my son is well-adjusted and has a grandpa and two uncles he spends a lot of time with. My parents have a wonderful loving marriage after 34 years, and I think that's great, but it is also unusual in this day and age. I may marry someday, but right now I'm enjoying the time with my son and an occasional date. Why can't people understand that? -- ALONE AND LOVING IT IN MISSOURI
DEAR ALONE: Many people feel they need someone else to make them "complete." Obviously, you are a strong and fulfilled individual in your own right, and you should not have to explain or defend your choice to anyone.
DEAR ABBY: I am a clergyman, and over the course of my 32 years in ministry, I have officiated at hundreds of weddings. I can't tell you the number of times the bride has gotten tangled up in her wedding gown, or tripped up the aisle or lost her veil. Some of them appear so awkward, and it's sad to see them floundering around in billows of fabric.
As the wedding season is upon us, may I suggest that bridal shops give brides some pointers about the dress they will wear. There must be techniques they can learn for their important day so they don't end up looking so silly. And is it possible for brides to practice at home so that they learn how to maneuver the dress? -- REVEREND IN N.J.
DEAR REVEREND: Those are good suggestions. Brides should practice walking in their gowns and bridal slippers. It will give them confidence and possibly prevent embarrassment or an injury.
DEAR ABBY: My father died 20 years ago. During his final illness my mother purchased two side-by-side cemetery plots in the town in which I grew up. My mother still lives there, although some of us kids have moved out of state.
I am writing because after 20 years, my father still does not have a gravestone. As a veteran, he got a military marker, but that's not a gravestone, and it's sinking into the ground. Since Mom is still with us, is the gravestone any of my business? (She has not remarried.) I have kept my mouth shut for almost two decades now, but I feel this is disrespectful to my father. Money to buy a gravestone is not a problem for Mom or for us children. Any suggestions? -- R.I.P'D OFF IN WALLA WALLA, WASH.
DEAR R.I.P.'D: Since your mother is still with you, discuss your feelings with her. It may be the result of gross procrastination, or a grave oversight.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)