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Expectant Mom Dreads in Laws' Arrival at Same Time as Twins'
DEAR ABBY: After one miscarriage and three years of infertility treatments, my husband and I are expecting twins. While I should be excited about this news, I'm not -- for two reasons.
I have a great relationship with my mother, who has agreed to come and help when the babies are born in September. My husband's sister and family, who live out of town, are also thinking about coming to visit at that time. While I love my sister-in-law dearly, I don't know that I will feel up to entertaining her family while trying to adjust to being not only a new mom but a new mom of twins. My husband has asked that I not alienate his family, but all I can think about is how tired and stressed I will be trying to adjust to the new lifestyle.
My second dilemma is my mother-in-law. She's a very pessimistic and paranoid woman whose family has allowed her to control every family situation. She never smiles, can't find the joy in living, and tries to tell others how they should live their lives. I've asked my husband why he and his sister allow her to act this way. He says they've tried talking to her, but all she does is cry.
Abby, my mother-in-law is already providing me with unsolicited advice on how to take care of myself. I can just imagine what kind of unsolicited child-rearing advice I'll get when the children are born.
I don't want to alienate my husband's family, but under the circumstances I find it hard not to. Any advice? -– DREADING SEPTEMBER
DEAR DREADING: Accept the fact that your mother-in-law is trying to show her love and concern for you, so smile, nod and tune her out. Once the twins arrive, assure her that they are under the care of an excellent pediatrician –- and you'll mention her suggestions to the doctor to be sure they don't conflict with the medical advice you are already receiving.
As for your sister-in-law, tell her sweetly that you would LOVE to see her –- perhaps during the holidays -– after you have regained your strength and you and the babies have a firmly established schedule. To do so is not "alienating her" –- it's asserting your right to recover from the delivery.
DEAR ABBY: I'd like to comment on the letter from the person who wrote that as a hostess she was taken aback, stunned and hurt when her intended guest asked her what foods she would be serving at dinner.
As a certified etiquette consultant for 10 years, let me say that it is actually the host's responsibility, when inviting first-time guests to dinner, to ask when issuing the invitation, "Is there anything you cannot eat?" The guest can then respond accordingly. It is not necessary for either one to mention allergies, foods restricted by culture or religions, dislikes for certain foods, dieting to lose weight, etc.
The hostess can then plan the menu by not using the foods mentioned. This eliminates any surprises or embarrassment when the guests are already seated at the dining table. –- MARGIT ERICKSON, PROTOCOL/ETIQUETTE CONSULTANTS, NORTHVILLE, MICH.
DEAR MARGIT: Your suggestion makes good sense, and I'm sure will be appreciated by more prospective hosts and hostesses than we can count.
COUPLE'S ELOPEMENT HURTS THEIR MATCHMAKING FRIENDS
DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend and I eloped last January. We arranged for a minister, rented the tux, got the gown, printed 300 announcements, and told everyone we were going on "vacation." We planned it for months and told no one. I'm 31 years old and had never been married. After the ceremony, we mailed the announcements and went about enjoying our honeymoon.
We returned home to a house full of gifts and well wishes. Both sets of parents were very pleased, and everyone couldn't have been more supportive -- except for two people. Ironically, they are the twosome who introduced us, my husband's friend "Morris" and his live-in girlfriend, "Doris."
They are no longer speaking to my husband and me because they are hurt that they were excluded from our plans. They feel we betrayed them and claim we lied and deceived them.
A few nights before we left for Florida, my husband was out with the "guys." Morris pulled him aside and flat-out asked him if we were going away to get married. Because our plans were private and not meant to be shared until after we returned from our trip, my husband told him "no."
I hate to lose a friendship over something like this. Do you think we were obligated to tell them our plans? -- WONDERING IN WILMINGTON, DEL.
DEAR WONDERING: No, I do not. Just because Morris and Doris introduced you does not mean they own you as a couple. You were not obligated to reveal your plans to elope.
DEAR ABBY: I am an 81-year-old male senior citizen and would like to comment on the letter that mentioned nude beaches. I am very familiar with them and also with nudist camps.
Nudism must be good for the eyesight because I have never seen a blind nudist. A nudist camp is where married couples air their differences and, when they disagree, they barely speak. As a matter of fact, one married couple broke up because they were seeing too much of each other.
Did you know that nudists peel first and get sunburned afterward?
A lawyer joined a nudist colony, and he hasn't had a suit since. One nudist was picked up as a suspect, but the police had to let him go because they couldn't pin anything on him.
I visited a nudist colony one time and, as I drove in, I stripped my gears. The only other time I had anything to do with nudism was when I stayed at a nudist lodge. (I think it was called the Bareskin Lodge.) There were no clothes closets and all of the rooms had sudden exposure. It was a short vacation. I was soon asked to leave because my breath came in short pants. -- ED BENDER, ROCHESTER, PA.
DEAR ED: That's better than being asked to leave for displaying your shortcomings.
THOUGHT FOR TODAY: "A man who works with his hands is a laborer; a man who works with his hands and his brain is a craftsman; but a man who works with his hands and his brain and his heart is an artist." -- Louis Nizer, American lawyer (1902-1994).
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Woman Who Left Work for Love Would Love Her Old Job Back
DEAR ABBY: My former friend, "Molly," became engaged and moved away. Before she left, she said I could have her job. After being interviewed, I got the position.
It has been seven months -- and two pay raises -- and now Molly has returned. She's calling the boss and other workers in the office. She got kicked out of her boyfriend's house and needs her job back. She's really turning up the pressure. She won't talk to me because she knows how upset I am.
My question: Does she deserve to get my job? Or is she being selfish? Am I being selfish? I love my work and very much want to stay. -- WORRIED IN L.A.
DEAR WORRIED: I don't know what arrangement your boss had with Molly when she left. But hold a good thought; your boss may be reluctant to replace an employee who has performed well enough on the job to earn two raises in seven months with someone who sacrificed her career for "love."
DEAR ABBY: I have enjoyed your column for years. Thanks for the entertainment each day. You do a great job.
Abby, this is the first time I have written to you, and it's because I disagree with your answer to "Concerned Friend." The reader was concerned that a friend was unhappy because he was single. She said he was too shy to discuss his feelings with her. If that's true, how does she know he's unhappy? I think the reader is projecting her feelings onto her friend.
As a single person, I want my friends to respect me enough to trust that I know what I want from my life. She should give her friend some dignity and realize that if he wants a relationship, he'll pursue one. If he wants his married friends to fix him up, he'll tell them.
You suggested that the reader subtly invite some single females to their group activities. Please, Abby, he would know exactly what she's doing. As a "single," I would find it awkward and embarrassing.
In my circle of friends, some of us are couples and several of us are single. However, my friends respect me enough to leave to me the connecting up with someone if I want that.
Why must people assume that unmarried people are miserable because of their single status? Most of my single friends have homes, careers, hobbies and extended families they enjoy. I know people who try to fix us up are trying to help, but we don't NEED matchmakers. What we need are friends who love and respect us just as we are. -- SHARON FROM CINCINNATI
DEAR SHARON: I'm sure you speak not only for yourself, but for many singles. However, there are also many out there who would love their friends to lend a hand in the matchmaking process. There's nothing wrong with being single if that's what makes you happy, but for those who long to be half a couple, a little help could be the ticket to a partner in a "pair" tree.
CONFIDENTIAL TO "FRUSTRATED IN DELAWARE": Don't let one setback stop you; your community needs you. In the words of Dag Hammarskjold, former secretary-general of the United Nations: "You have not done enough, you have never done enough so long as it is still possible that you have something to contribute."
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)