CONFIDENTIAL TO "FRUSTRATED IN DELAWARE": Don't let one setback stop you; your community needs you. In the words of Dag Hammarskjold, former secretary-general of the United Nations: "You have not done enough, you have never done enough so long as it is still possible that you have something to contribute."
Woman Who Left Work for Love Would Love Her Old Job Back
DEAR ABBY: My former friend, "Molly," became engaged and moved away. Before she left, she said I could have her job. After being interviewed, I got the position.
It has been seven months -- and two pay raises -- and now Molly has returned. She's calling the boss and other workers in the office. She got kicked out of her boyfriend's house and needs her job back. She's really turning up the pressure. She won't talk to me because she knows how upset I am.
My question: Does she deserve to get my job? Or is she being selfish? Am I being selfish? I love my work and very much want to stay. -- WORRIED IN L.A.
DEAR WORRIED: I don't know what arrangement your boss had with Molly when she left. But hold a good thought; your boss may be reluctant to replace an employee who has performed well enough on the job to earn two raises in seven months with someone who sacrificed her career for "love."
DEAR ABBY: I have enjoyed your column for years. Thanks for the entertainment each day. You do a great job.
Abby, this is the first time I have written to you, and it's because I disagree with your answer to "Concerned Friend." The reader was concerned that a friend was unhappy because he was single. She said he was too shy to discuss his feelings with her. If that's true, how does she know he's unhappy? I think the reader is projecting her feelings onto her friend.
As a single person, I want my friends to respect me enough to trust that I know what I want from my life. She should give her friend some dignity and realize that if he wants a relationship, he'll pursue one. If he wants his married friends to fix him up, he'll tell them.
You suggested that the reader subtly invite some single females to their group activities. Please, Abby, he would know exactly what she's doing. As a "single," I would find it awkward and embarrassing.
In my circle of friends, some of us are couples and several of us are single. However, my friends respect me enough to leave to me the connecting up with someone if I want that.
Why must people assume that unmarried people are miserable because of their single status? Most of my single friends have homes, careers, hobbies and extended families they enjoy. I know people who try to fix us up are trying to help, but we don't NEED matchmakers. What we need are friends who love and respect us just as we are. -- SHARON FROM CINCINNATI
DEAR SHARON: I'm sure you speak not only for yourself, but for many singles. However, there are also many out there who would love their friends to lend a hand in the matchmaking process. There's nothing wrong with being single if that's what makes you happy, but for those who long to be half a couple, a little help could be the ticket to a partner in a "pair" tree.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Taliban Hears Outcry Against Afghanistan's Gender Apartheid
DEAR ABBY: Some months ago I wrote to you describing the nightmarish situation of women in Afghanistan, stripped of even the most basic human rights by the Taliban militia. I asked people to join the Feminist Majority's campaign to end this cruel system of gender apartheid.
Reporters told me the reason the Afghan situation had received so little coverage was that their editors thought Americans aren't interested in this kind of news. The Taliban assumed that their treatment of women would be of no consequence to the rest of the world. Even the Afghan women, who thought the people of America were their last hope, were afraid to believe we would speak for them.
Well, Abby, someone forgot to tell that to your readers! To date, well over 45,000 of them have called to join our campaign. And they've made a huge impact.
The State Department tells us that the high volume of mail we have generated is historic. The campaign has received unprecedented bipartisan support, with both conservatives and liberals offering backing and action. The president has met with us to express support for our goals and discuss ways to end gender apartheid. We've also met with United Nations officials who tell us that our campaign has put the issue of gender apartheid on the world stage.
The Taliban are now claiming they have eased some restrictions, allowing SOME home-schooling for girls and SOME segregated hospital wards for women. Those changes are unverified. But, true or not, the fact that the Taliban are making these assertions shows that they now realize the rest of the world has drawn a line in the sand over their denial of human rights to women -- a line the Taliban can no longer pretend not to see.
And, Abby, now the Afghan women themselves know we are speaking out for them and will continue to speak. Radio Free Europe and Voice of America have carried news of our campaign into Afghanistan, and letters have been smuggled out to us from women who are daring to hope again.
I would like to share with your more than 45,000 readers who took up their cause a letter of thanks from a woman in Kabul: "I wish I could cover you with flowers to show how grateful I am. I know I cannot do so. From this prison I can only send you a few drops of my tears as a gift. Let me call you 'the angels of mercy.' Your love is our hope." Though she courageously signed her letter, I can't reveal her name for fear she would be killed.
I hope your readers will join us in keeping up the momentum they helped our campaign to build. Our work is beginning to have world impact. -- MAVIS NICHOLSON LENO, CHAIR, CAMPAIGN TO STOP GENDER APARTHEID IN AFGHANISTAN
DEAR MAVIS: I'm sure my readers will be as thrilled as I am to know that their efforts are having such a profound effect. This is our turn on the stage of history, and for the sake of our children and grandchildren, we must not stand idly by.
Those of you who have been a part of this campaign, and those who are interested in joining in the effort, can make your voices heard by calling the action line: 1-888-WE-WOMEN (1-888-939-6636) or visiting the Web site at www.feminist.org. There are many ways we can help. By taking action now, we can make a difference.
Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Cookbooklets I and II, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)
Wife Wants to Keep Distance From Husband's Absent Father
DEAR ABBY: I have been married to "Dan" for 15 years. He was abandoned by his father when he and his brother were 2 and 3. His father had no contact with him for 30 years, and he has seen him only at one family reunion and two funerals in the last 15 years. This man has now asked to visit us, and my husband has agreed to his father's request to get together while he's in town.
This is all well and good for the two of them, but I have now been informed that my husband has a social function on the evening his father is expected. Dan told me that until he arrives, I am expected to entertain his father, but gave me no timetable for how long that will be.
I have always had very strong opinions about fathers who abandon their children, and my husband knows this. I don't feel I have an obligation to this man, although my husband says that as his wife, I do. What's worse is that my family agrees with Dan.
I feel that if my husband wants to get together with his father, fine. If my daughter wants to see him, fine. But should I be forced to entertain him for who knows how long until my husband chooses to show up? Am I wrong? -- FURIOUS IN SPANISH PORT, ALA.
DEAR FURIOUS: Yes, you are wrong. Obviously this is important to your husband, so for his sake, please try to be gracious. Entertain his father as you would a BUSINESS person who is important to your husband's future. You won't be sorry.
DEAR ABBY: I would like to respond to the series of letters you printed about the man who suggested his wife visit the nude beaches while they were in Europe. Like the couple in question, my wife and I experienced the reaction, pain and steps that led to and followed a mastectomy. She was beautiful before AND after the surgery, but she had a hard time seeing it. We had visited and enjoyed nude beaches before she was diagnosed.
Months after the surgery we were invited to a party where use of the pool and hot tub would be clothing-optional. We went, and after 10 minutes in the hot tub with my wife in her bathing suit, one of our friends inquired about her surgery and recovery process. By the end of the evening, my wife was nude, and finally realized that she was loved and accepted as the wonderful woman she was; that her value was not in having or not having breasts.
When people become more accepting of their bodies, fewer women will believe they must look like some supermodel or hate their bodies. Then we can accept that who we are is not how we look, but is how we behave in our relationships with one another.
The wonderful woman who was my wife is no longer living; cancer took her life last September. She was buried nude, per her request. Sign me ... BONNY'S GUY, PACIFIC PALISADES, CALIF.
DEAR BONNY'S GUY: There is much wisdom in your message. Please accept my deepest sympathy for the loss of your beloved wife.
Coping with the emotional issue of self-image can be among the most challenging aspects of recovery from surgery following breast cancer. I hope your letter will reassure survivors that their fear a mastectomy will make them unattractive is largely unfounded.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)