What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Wife Wants to Keep Distance From Husband's Absent Father
DEAR ABBY: I have been married to "Dan" for 15 years. He was abandoned by his father when he and his brother were 2 and 3. His father had no contact with him for 30 years, and he has seen him only at one family reunion and two funerals in the last 15 years. This man has now asked to visit us, and my husband has agreed to his father's request to get together while he's in town.
This is all well and good for the two of them, but I have now been informed that my husband has a social function on the evening his father is expected. Dan told me that until he arrives, I am expected to entertain his father, but gave me no timetable for how long that will be.
I have always had very strong opinions about fathers who abandon their children, and my husband knows this. I don't feel I have an obligation to this man, although my husband says that as his wife, I do. What's worse is that my family agrees with Dan.
I feel that if my husband wants to get together with his father, fine. If my daughter wants to see him, fine. But should I be forced to entertain him for who knows how long until my husband chooses to show up? Am I wrong? -- FURIOUS IN SPANISH PORT, ALA.
DEAR FURIOUS: Yes, you are wrong. Obviously this is important to your husband, so for his sake, please try to be gracious. Entertain his father as you would a BUSINESS person who is important to your husband's future. You won't be sorry.
DEAR ABBY: I would like to respond to the series of letters you printed about the man who suggested his wife visit the nude beaches while they were in Europe. Like the couple in question, my wife and I experienced the reaction, pain and steps that led to and followed a mastectomy. She was beautiful before AND after the surgery, but she had a hard time seeing it. We had visited and enjoyed nude beaches before she was diagnosed.
Months after the surgery we were invited to a party where use of the pool and hot tub would be clothing-optional. We went, and after 10 minutes in the hot tub with my wife in her bathing suit, one of our friends inquired about her surgery and recovery process. By the end of the evening, my wife was nude, and finally realized that she was loved and accepted as the wonderful woman she was; that her value was not in having or not having breasts.
When people become more accepting of their bodies, fewer women will believe they must look like some supermodel or hate their bodies. Then we can accept that who we are is not how we look, but is how we behave in our relationships with one another.
The wonderful woman who was my wife is no longer living; cancer took her life last September. She was buried nude, per her request. Sign me ... BONNY'S GUY, PACIFIC PALISADES, CALIF.
DEAR BONNY'S GUY: There is much wisdom in your message. Please accept my deepest sympathy for the loss of your beloved wife.
Coping with the emotional issue of self-image can be among the most challenging aspects of recovery from surgery following breast cancer. I hope your letter will reassure survivors that their fear a mastectomy will make them unattractive is largely unfounded.
DEAR ABBY: My ex-wife, who continued to be a friend to my mother after our divorce, has, in my opinion, recently overstepped her bounds. On the day of my mother's funeral, my ex-wife arrived early at Mom's house and commenced to help herself to several pieces of personal property! I found out later that all of the personal property was willed to me.
Where does this kind of behavior fit in the realm of manners or etiquette -- or maybe even criminal activity? My mother had specific items listed in her will to give to certain people. -- CONFUSED IN ANCHORAGE, ALASKA
DEAR CONFUSED: The kind of behavior your ex-wife displayed does not fit into the realm of manners or etiquette, but it certainly qualifies in the category of criminal activity. Have your attorney demand (in writing) that the stolen items be returned immediately, or the police will be notified and a theft report filed.
DEAR ABBY: A number of years ago my husband's sexual interest stopped. Initially, because I begged him, he consulted a few doctors and we went to several therapists. Nothing worked. There are no indications that there is another woman. The only other "woman" he seems to be interested in is "Mary," as in "Bloody Mary."
I recently met a much younger man (I'll call him Joel), and there is a strong mutual attraction. He will be working in this country only a couple of months, after which he will return home to his fiancee. In light of my imposed celibacy, would a tryst with Joel really be adultery? For many reasons I will never divorce my husband. -- UNTOUCHED TAMALE
DEAR UNTOUCHED: Yes, a tryst with Joel would really be adultery. A short fling won't quench your thirst -- it will only stimulate your appetite and create more problems. I'd advise against it.
DEAR ABBY: I am 26 and have been engaged for two years. The problem is that my fiance doesn't want to make a life for us. He is 28, and still lives at home with his divorced 51-year-old mother and her 38-year-old live-in boyfriend.
My fiance has no living expenses and operates his own business. He talks about finding a place for us, but it's just talk -- he never makes any effort. I have tried everything to motivate him, but nothing seems to work.
Abby, his living arrangements and his procrastination about finding us a place to live together don't seem normal. Should I just throw in the towel? -- UPSET IN MISSOURI
DEAR UPSET: Not yet. Since your fiance hasn't moved forward in finding the two of you a place to live, begin looking on your own. If you find something affordable, take him to see it so you can sign a lease together. If he starts making excuses -- then it's time to throw in the towel.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: I have been dating a man for two years. He's the love of my life. I'm in my late 20s and he's in his late 30s. We get along perfectly. We live together and spend most of our free time together.
I have been bringing up the topic of marriage lately because I'd love to start a family, but in order to do so I need a commitment. He says he loves me and that I am his world, but "marriage" scares him.
The other day I proposed and gave him a diamond ring. He was shocked, to say the least, and didn't answer me. The only thing he said was that he was afraid of getting hurt again. Abby, I don't know what to do. I love him, but I have made it clear I won't wait forever. He knows how I feel. What should I do? My biological clock is ticking. -- LOST IN LOVE
DEAR LOST: Ask him, "Are you more afraid of losing me, or more afraid of being hurt?" Give him a deadline, and if he's still "uncertain," face it -- he's not for you.
P.S. It's perfectly proper to ask him to please return the ring.
DEAR ABBY: This is in response to "Had It in San Diego," who complained about the unruly behavior of her nephews. You replied, "Imagine when the 6-year-old must be in a structured environment such as school."
Well, Abby, I teach first grade and can TELL you what happens. When it's time to open the reading book, point to the words and follow along, the well-behaved child will do just that and will soon be reading. The poorly behaved child may look elsewhere, spin his book or make faces. He will need more direction and will probably be learning-delayed, even though he may be quite able.
The well-behaved child will take turns, follow school rules, and interact positively with other students and adults. The poorly behaved child may hit others, throw tantrums or damage school property, which will result in many telephone calls home, detention, referrals to the principal and other negative consequences.
Students who are successful in first grade are usually the successes in fifth grade. They have developed good school habits.
If I could give parents one piece of advice, it would be: Teach your children what "no" means. Do not give in! Your child needs self-control, language and effort to achieve success. -- A TEACHER WHO CARES ABOUT THE FUTURE
DEAR TEACHER: Thank you for a compelling letter. Extremely bright children may act out because they are bored. And, of course, a child who consistently misbehaves should be evaluated to rule out attention deficit disorder (ADD) or attention deficit hyperactive disorder (ADHD). I hope your letter will serve as an admonition to parents who shrug off their children's misbehavior as "kids will be kids."
Children need to be prepared before they are thrust into a classroom environment, but they cannot know what they have not been taught. Among the lessons they should master are respect for other people, sharing, making good use of spare time, how to channel their aggressions and how to tolerate a degree of frustration.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)