To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Grief Stricken Widower Has Trouble Getting on With Life
DEAR ABBY: Like so many of those who write to you, I have been involved for quite a while with a married man who keeps making promises about our future together, but those promises are never kept.
The difference is, this one is married -- to a corpse. She's been dead for 2 1/2 years, and he still can't let go and get on with his life.
For almost a year, he promised we'd spend a weekend together; however, by Thursday, he always had a reason to cancel. When we finally did get together for a weekend, he walked out and got another motel room where he and the ghost could spend the night together, while I cried my eyes out alone in the king-size bed in my room. Do you have any idea how much rejection there is in learning that the man you love would rather sleep with his memories than with you?
I finally persuaded him to get counseling, but he's still doing the same things: promising we have a future together, then squelching any plans for physically consummating our relationship. He insists he doesn't need Viagra, that he's capable of doing it, but then he comes up with another hokey excuse why he can't make time for a weekend together.
He's really a nice man, Abby. He treats me well and has a delightful sense of humor. He'd be the perfect companion if he could just accept that his wife is dead, she's not coming back, and he's not cheating on her if he sleeps with another woman. What should I do? -- SEXLESS IN SEATTLE
DEAR SEXLESS: If you love him, give him a little more time. My experts tell me that he could be suffering from pathological grief. In most people, the grieving process lasts about one year -- but if it lasts longer than that it requires professional help.
I don't know how long this man has been in counseling, but if it has been any length of time and he still has not progressed in mourning (mourning is the reparative process associated with grief) -- then he should consult another professional counselor. His inability to be intimate with you sexually may have nothing to do with sexuality, but rather overwhelming mourning and overwhelming guilt.
If he's as terrific as you say he is, he's worth waiting for a little longer.
DEAR ABBY: When I was about 21, I was date-raped, and it took me several years to get myself sorted out. This was my first time, and it is only now that I'm finally at a point where I can trust a man again and want to have sex.
My problem is, I don't know if I should tell my boyfriend about what happened to me years ago, and that he will be the first person I have ever really made love with. What do you think? -- ANONY-MISS
DEAR ANONY-MISS: I think it's very important that you tell him exactly what you have told me -- and the sooner the better.
Teen Must Rise to Occasion to Ask for Promised Raise
DEAR ABBY: I am 19 and work two jobs. One of them is with a small title company. When I started, I was promised a raise after a few weeks of training. I have not seen that raise. I am considering asking for it, but I'm shy when it comes to this sort of thing.
Abby, what would be the easiest and most effective way to ask without losing my job? -- SHY AND BROKE IN LOUISIANA
DEAR SHY: Compile a list of the reasons you feel you deserve a raise, then ask your boss or supervisor for an appointment to talk. People who ask for what they deserve are respected, so do not be shy about asking for the raise you were promised.
The list will enable you to show your boss or supervisor why you think your salary should be increased. It will open the door for a discussion about your performance, and allow both of you to evaluate your strengths and any areas in which you need to improve.
Consider this another step on the road to maturity. If you are an asset to the company, you should be treated like one.
DEAR ABBY: This is in response to a recent letter regarding the need to carry identification in case of an emergency.
My husband is an avid runner. He never used to carry ID because he said it was inconvenient. I felt that it was an unsafe practice, and finally came up with a solution he could live with. Whenever I order ID tags for our dogs, I order one for my husband. I put as much pertinent information on it as possible, including his name, phone number and an emergency number at work.
He jokes that I put "property of" on the tag, too, but he does agree that it's a good idea. He laces the tag into his shoelaces. It's lightweight, soundless and reflective. He never forgets it because it's a permanent part of his shoe from the very first run. It's an inexpensive way to protect him in the event of an injury. Perhaps others might benefit from our idea. -- KATIE SPICER, CHALFONT, PA.
DEAR KATIE: You have hit upon a clever solution to a common problem, and I congratulate you on your ingenuity. I'm sure your idea of adapting dog tags will appeal to runners and walkers who are reluctant to carry any "excess baggage" with them.
DEAR ABBY: I want to divorce my husband but I don't know how to tell him. We have been arguing too much, and it's affecting my studies in college. I strongly suspect that he's having an affair and feeling guilty about it because he stays out late. How late? you might ask. Try 4 o'clock in the morning! Also, our sex life has decreased to only two or three times a month.
We have been married for three years, and in the first three months of our marriage, he had an affair with the woman he left for me. Like an idiot, I took him back, thinking I could trust him. Now I have my doubts. I don't know what to do. Please help me, Abby. -- UNCOUPLING IN OREGON
DEAR UNCOUPLING: Tell your husband exactly what you have told me. Offer him the option of marriage counseling. If he refuses -- since there are no children to complicate matters -- I suggest you talk to a lawyer.
Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Cookbooklets I and II, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL. 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)
Girl's Notice of Racism Makes Mom See It in Different Light
DEAR ABBY: I worked for civil rights in the '60s. My 10-year-old daughter grew up in a racially mixed church, a racially mixed neighborhood and a racially mixed school. She has studied the history of slavery, Hitler, and other examples of what bigotry can do to a society, a country and the world. I have taught her from a very young age that bigotry is wrong, period. At the tender age of 10, she has already lost friends because she will not tolerate racist remarks. I have patiently tried to explain why racism was tolerated in the past in various societies.
A few days ago my daughter asked me a question I could not answer. "Mom, why is it OK to be a racist if you're black?" She went on to cite examples of racist remarks at her school, in the media, by politicians and on TV.
As I thought about it, she is correct. Today's America does tolerate, and in a few cases, even encourages blacks to be racist against whites. We wonder why there is violence in our schools. We despair over the white supremacist movement. We call for closer family support and guidance. Why do we not cry out against racism wherever it may be found? How can we move forward as a country, as a world, if we have not learned by our mistakes?
Please, Abby, help me out here! What can I tell her? -- MY KID'S MOM
DEAR MOM: Let's not point the finger only at black Americans. Bigotry is alive and well in EVERY community because it seems that some people have a need to feel "superior."
Explain to your daughter that racism cannot be wiped out by decree. Its demise must come from the realization that we have more things in common than we do superficial differences such as skin color or a foreign-sounding accent.
DEAR ABBY: "Glad I Tried, Joliet, Ill." wondered if her dying mother heard her say "I love you" during the last stages of life.
Abby, she should be consoled by something all hospice volunteers learn during their excellent and professional training: Hearing is the last sense to fade. It is very likely that her mother heard her last message although her mother was unable to acknowledge it. -- JOHN R. BUTLER, ROGERS, ARK.
DEAR JOHN: Thank you for your comforting words to "Glad I Tried." Within the last year or so, I read an account of a woman who was in a coma for many years. She testified that although she could not communicate, she heard everything that was said to her during those years.
I believe that a number of studies have revealed that patients hear far more in an unconscious state than most of us ever suspected they could. That's why physicians encourage the families of trauma patients to read to them, play music for them and, above all, to talk to them.
CONFIDENTIAL TO "CAN'T FORGIVE HER IN IDAHO": Perhaps these words will help you begin to rebuild your friendship. "He that cannot forgive others breaks the bridge over which he must pass himself; for every man has need to be forgiven." -- Thomas Fuller.
Give it a try -- you'll be glad you did.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)