DEAR ABBY: This is for "Pestered Wife in Phoenix," whose 68-year-old husband had a penile implant and now wants sex four or five times a week, when once a week is all she can handle.
I was a "pestered" wife for many years, until it occurred to me to turn my head around and temporarily become an insatiable sex kitten. I became the one to make the first move as soon as the lights went out. If I awoke in the middle of the night, I made a move that produced the desired effect while he slept -- and made insistent demands against his sleepy protests.
Please assure "Pestered" that it will take only about two weeks before her aging stud starts feigning sleep before the lights go out. It worked for me. -- ANOTHER WIFE IN PHOENIX
DEAR WIFE: I hope "Pestered" sees your remedy and finds it helpful. (It may require her to start napping in the afternoon, but she has nothing to lose.) It would be terrific if the couple could work out a compromise other than sending him to visit the widow next door, which I'm convinced would be the beginning of the end of her marriage. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: This letter is for "Pestered," who was willing to let her friend have sex with her husband because he wanted more than she wanted to give, and her friend was a widow in need. She said she wasn't afraid of losing her husband because her friend wasn't very good-looking and was a terrible cook.
You advised her that if she allowed her husband and friend to start "cooking in the bedroom," she might be surprised to find he'd be less preoccupied with what was coming out of the kitchen. You also reminded her that Benjamin Franklin said, "All cats are gray in the dark."
Your advice was right on the money. For a woman who has lived 65 years, "Pestered" is very naive. I'm finally divorcing my spouse after 25 years of marriage because of his countless affairs. Beauty was not a priority to him. His only criteria for cheating was a ready and willing partner. Their talent in the kitchen had nothing to do with it, and he was getting plenty of sex at home.
Sign me, soon to be ... FREE AT LAST
DEAR FREE AT LAST: It takes courage to end a marriage after 25 years, even if the spouse is a compulsive cheater or a sex addict, as your husband obviously was. Permit me to offer you my good wishes; I predict your self-esteem will skyrocket.
DEAR ABBY: I recently met the woman of my dreams. She replied to a personal ad that I placed on AOL. She's everything I ever wanted in a woman and more. We've been discussing marriage in the year 2000, and I am probably going to have my dad as my best man. He's been there for me when I needed him, and he's never really acted like a "dad."
Is it a good idea that I have my father as my best man at my wedding? -- CHAD IN LAKE ST. LOUIS, MO.
DEAR CHAD: I wouldn't call it a "good" idea -- I'd call it a GREAT idea. I'm sure he'll be thrilled when you ask him because it's high praise indeed.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
4520 Main St., Kansas City, Mo. 64111; (816) 932-6600