THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: "Every gun that is made, every warship that is launched, every rocket fired signifies, in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. This world in arms is not spending money alone. It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children. ... This is not a way of life at all in any true sense. Under the cloud of war, it is humanity hanging on a cross of iron." -- Dwight D. Eisenhower, April 16, 1953
Daughter's Road to Romance Is Blocked by Parents' Barricades
DEAR ABBY: I am having a struggle with my parents. I am 25 years old and still living at home.
I started seeing a man about a year ago. My parents objected to this for many reasons. He is 12 years older than I am, and they say his limited educational background could bring me down socially, which would lead to a thousand other problems. They seemed to be very concerned about how we would be perceived as a "couple." Neither of these things has been an issue for this man or for me.
Well, my father began placing restrictions on the amount of time I spent with this man. I had to be home by 12:30, and if I wasn't, my parents would track me down via cell phone. I could not go to this man's apartment because what would people say? I finally got fed up and reminded my parents that I'm an adult, capable of making my own decisions.
Abby, I have always been there for my family, always sacrificed my time for all of them. I went to college to uphold the family name and made something of myself so the family would be proud of me. Now I don't know what to do.
I love this man and want to see if we have a future. I see no harm in testing the water. But my parents are impossibly stubborn, and once they believe they are right, it would take an act of God to change their minds. I know it's hard for parents to let go, but I feel they won't even give me the benefit of the doubt. I would welcome any advice you can offer. -- HURTING IN ILLINOIS
DEAR HURTING: Since you still live with your parents, in their eyes you are still answerable to them. Of course, children (even adults) should respect their parents, but in your case, they are trying to run your life. At 25, you do not need your parents' permission to date a man, and you must establish your independence regardless of who you eventually choose to marry. It's time to consider moving out.
DEAR ABBY: I had to write, in the hope that you can help to solve a growing national problem. I took my 11-year-old son to a ballgame recently. We had a wonderful time except for one very unpleasant thing. Four grown men (who appeared to be about 50 years old) sat in front of us. They were swearing so much I had to confront them. What I said to them, and what I would like to say to all the other adults out there is, "If we expect better behavior from our children, we should behave better ourselves."
It makes me angry to see adults behave so inappropriately. I miss the days when a man would be mortified to discover that he'd used such vulgar words in front of women and children.
I hope you'll print this, Abby. Maybe it will change at least some people's behavior. Feel free to use my name, because I'm proud to be a responsible adult who cares about all kids, not just my own, and I'm not afraid to speak on their behalf. -- MAGGIE ROSE, EDMONDS, WASH.
DEAR MAGGIE: I'm sure the vast majority of parents will applaud your effort. And for the rest, readers, if this is you -- please, for the sake of the children, sanitize your language when you are in public.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
MAN'S AIDS VOLUNTEER WORK MAKES GIRLFRIEND FEARFUL OF SEX
DEAR ABBY: I have been dating a woman for two months. "Sally" seems like a great match for me in a lot of ways. She has all of the qualities that I look for, and I can see a future with her. We're taking things slow because she's in the middle of a divorce and also for the reason I am about to relate.
For the past three years I have been spending time with several children with HIV/AIDS. I take them out weekly to parks, movies, etc., and visit them in the hospital when they're sick. Some of their parents passed away or are sick, so it is important that they have a "big brother" to make them feel special and expose them to different things.
Sally is a very caring person and respects what I do, but she's scared to death to be intimate with me because she thinks I am at risk of getting the virus myself and then she would get it. She read that you can get HIV through saliva. I take precautions when I'm with the children, and if they get cut, I have gloves and bandages with me at all times.
I am going to ask Sally to consult with some experts on the disease, and then I thought I'd write to you to see what you think. If she can't get over this fear, we may both miss out on what could be something special. -- "BILLYBOB" IN N.J.
DEAR "BILLYBOB": One cannot get AIDS from spending time with children with AIDS. Insist that Sally talk to a doctor with you so that she can put this fear to rest.
DEAR ABBY: I hope it's not too late to offer a suggestion to "Looking for Privacy," whose in-laws copied their house key and used it as they saw fit. DO NOT key the locks on all your doors alike. With an attached garage, I changed the lock on only the garage side door and gave that key to my in-laws to keep. However, they do not have the key to get into my home from the garage; I leave that door unlocked only if I EXPECT them.
Sound controlling? Perhaps, but I realized that if my mother-in-law had no qualms about barging into our bedroom and jumping into our bed (so we could all snuggle and watch TV), there were no measures too extreme to ensure our privacy from some people. The intrusions into our privacy forced me to face the fact that this type of situation only gets worse with time. I love my in-laws, but any attempt to gently discuss this type of subject resulted only in wounded feelings. Some people just don't "get it," so do what you have to do. -- MRS. JONES, ANYWHERE, U.S.A.
DEAR MRS. JONES: No need to apologize or to discuss it. Your thinking is A-OK.
DEAR ABBY: What do you say to people when they are nosy enough to ask, "Isn't it about time you had kids?" if you aren't planning on having any? -- ON THE SPOT, SAUK RAPIDS, MINN.
DEAR ON THE SPOT: You don't have to answer every question that is asked. Just tune them out. If it was any of their business, they would KNOW!
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Elderly Mom's Messy House Reflects Clutter in Her Mind
DEAR ABBY: The letter from "Time to Move On" was right on! Her statement, "Remember the real clutter is IN HER HEAD," sums up my 20 years of observing chronically disorganized people.
I have come to the conclusion that disorganization is always a symptom of something else going on in the disorganized person's life. From hidden health problems to grief over the loss of a loved one, from political sniping at work to power struggles at home, and from a sense of helplessness, the amount, quantity and -- would you believe? -- the shape of the mess signifies what is really going on. Sometimes it's relatively simple, but many times it requires treatment at the root, not just a straightening up of the "symptom."
Many beginning organizers call me for advice, and I always caution them to take classes in psychology, and then refer difficult cases to a therapist or counselor. Much harm can be done by untrained people who don't understand why people "experience panic attacks as I peel away ... clutter" (to paraphrase from "Time to Move On").
Please tell any of your readers who may be disorganized that the clutter won't budge until the underlying reason for it is discovered. -- LIZ THE ORGANIZER IN SAN FRANCISCO
DEAR LIZ: You said a mouthful! However, not all of the mail I have received was supportive of "Time to Move On." Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I can understand the distress of "Distraught Husband" who has to live along with his wife's mess, but I am not sympathetic when "Time to Move On" describes tackling her mother's house and its "three decades of clutter." Why would a daughter put an elderly woman through panic attacks to satisfy her own sense of orderliness?
My mom acknowledges her obsession with keeping five-plus decades of items. Her house is stuffed with objects, making most of the rooms unlivable. But as long as she's comfortable and safe, has her garden to putter in, and her countless unfinished craft projects to return to when she wishes -- who is the clutter harming?
We tried to tackle some of the clutter when my dad was alive. We kids, all adult, finally decided that our mother's remaining years need not be made more difficult by clearing out the house, and we would not raise her blood pressure or endanger her health by doing it over her objections. We'll have plenty of time to do it when she's no longer with us. -- THE THREE KIDS, OAKLAND, CALIF.
DEAR KIDS: Since your attempts to make your mother's house more "livable" endangered her health, you were probably right to stop. However, you "kids" would have been well advised to alert your mother's physician about what was going on, because he or she could have been helpful. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: "Time" told how she "uncluttered" her mother's house and said it was not appreciated by her mother. Abby, there is a very good chance that her mother suffers from obsessive-compulsive disorder, and that's the reason she found the uncluttering so distressful. A trained therapist and medication might be just what the mother needs. -- OCD PATIENT, LEHIGH VALLEY, PA.
DEAR OCD PATIENT: That's helpful advice. Hoarding can become an addiction, like alcohol and drugs. It's a problem that is resolvable, but only if the person is willing to admit to the problem and do something about it.
Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Cookbooklets I and II, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)