Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Kids' Performer Now Knows How to Control Her Audience
DEAR ABBY: I am a performer who makes most of her living as a children's entertainer. Along the way I have also paid some dues as a waitress. I would like to offer some advice to the restaurant owner who has occasional problems with adults who fail to control their children and who then become offended when they are asked to do so.
My experience is that all customers, adults as well as children, respond best to an idea when it is presented as a benefit to them. When children nag me for a balloon animal before it is their turn to receive one, I often explain: "You know, I can't remember things very well, and if you tell me what you want now, you'll have to tell me over and over again because I'm so forgetful. But if you wait until it's your turn to get a balloon, then you'll need to tell me only once!"
It's hilarious, but it works. The children calm right down, and I'm able to make everyone a balloon animal in an enjoyable setting.
Something else I have observed is that it's important to establish the rules of proper behavior up front, and then stick to your rules. The restaurant owner should post a sign near the entrance that says something like this: "We love your children and they are welcome in our establishment. For their safety and the comfort of other patrons, we ask that they remain in their seats throughout your visit, unless accompanied by an adult."
If the parents don't respond positively to this very thoughtful reminder and do nothing to control their children, then they should be asked to leave -- because they are not worth the irritation to your good customers, or the possible lawsuits should their children be injured. In my business, I have found it's never a mistake to make and enforce a rule that makes things pleasant for the majority and allows me to do my best work. -- THE GOOD FAIRY ELFREDA, NASHVILLE, TENN.
DEAR ELFREDA: There's plenty of food for thought in your letter. Small children have short attention spans and often become restless and irritable when required to sit still in adult company for long periods of time. The wise parent plans ahead for this by bringing along a coloring book or favorite toy so the child won't be bored during long spans of adult conversation.
DEAR ABBY: After reading the letter from "Still Hurting," we had to write. The letter concerned a woman who witnessed a mother embarrass her son by asking him if he was "stupid or dumb or both" while they were in a store.
Abby, my mother was very embarrassed because she thought it was referring to HER. Because of that letter, we now have a deal with our mother. Whenever her temper starts to get out of hand, we let her know before she says anything hurtful to us. We're proud to say our mother has not said anything hurtful since that letter ran.
Thank you for pointing out to our mother that words can cause lasting scars. It changed her. Now we get hugs, kisses and no more hurtful words. -- HAPPIER KIDS IN FRESNO, CALIF.
DEAR HAPPIER KIDS: I'm pleased that the letter motivated your mother to stop her verbal abuse. It takes great self-discipline to change the habits of a lifetime, and I applaud her for it.
DEAR ABBY: I am a mature, 21-year-old college student who has a tattoo. (Gasp!) I read your column religiously and was infuriated with "Worried Parents in Washington." Getting a tattoo does not make you a bad person, a criminal or more likely to commit a crime. I have never even been pulled over for speeding. My friends with tattoos have never been in trouble with the law either, nor have they any experience with drugs. Tattooing is a form of expression, and becoming more and more commonplace with young people. The art has been around for thousands of years.
I found the comment, "People with tattoos are usually individuals who have been or still are in prison, and tattoos are not reflective of our cultural background," particularly offensive. "Worried Parents" should allow their daughter to make her own decision to keep or remove her tattoo. It does not change the person she is or will be. They should back off and allow her to make her own choices and live with the aftermath. -- JENNIFER L. LEWIS, MARYVILLE, ILL.
DEAR JENNIFER: I wish you hadn't taken offense so quickly and had reread the sentence that bothered you. It read: "We discussed it with her and explained that in OUR country, people with tattoos are usually individuals who have been or still are in prison, and that tattoos are not reflective of OUR cultural background." In other words, they were raised in another culture where tattoos are less common and less accepted than they have become in this country. I agree that the tattoo will not change the daughter as a person.
The letter from "Worried Parents" needled more than a few readers. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I was shocked at the attitude of "Worried Parents in Washington." All my sister's friends at an all-girl Catholic school have tattoos, and they come from very high-class backgrounds.
Abby, those people can't control their daughter's entire life. Maybe if they had let her have a little more freedom when she was younger, this wouldn't have happened. -- JULIE IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR JULIE: We don't know whether the girl and her parents are in the U.S.A. permanently, or whether they plan to return to their country of origin in the next few years. In some countries, parents CAN control their daughters' entire lives.
DEAR ABBY: When I was 13, I worked in a beauty supply store. All of the wonderful women who worked there had tattoos. None had been in prison. During college, I worked in a Beverly Hills skin-care salon. I saw lots of naked bodies -- rich, famous and otherwise. You wouldn't believe how many had little hidden tattoos. Not just rock stars and actors. Some were producers, writers, accountants, civil engineers, etc.
My favorite "tattooism": The difference between people with tattoos and people without is people who have them don't care if you don't have one. -- THREE TATTOOS SO FAR
DEAR THREE TATTOOS: I am aware that people in many professions sport tattoos, including doctors, nurses, lawyers and college professors. For many, their tattoos have a deeply personal meaning. A reader from Berkeley informed me that in some cultures, the meaning can be spiritual or religious as well.
However, I would caution those who are contemplating permanent body art to think twice about it -- because tattoos are harder to get rid of than they are to get.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Anyone Can Whistle to Prevent Getting Lost While in the Woods
DEAR ABBY: Many years ago, my wife, our 2-year-old daughter and I went camping in a state park in upper Michigan. We were 15 miles from any town, camped near a nice little lake. One afternoon, I decided to walk in the woods and took my binoculars along. In just a few minutes I looked around and saw nothing but trees! I realized I was lost. Looking through my binocs, I located a patch of white, realized it was our laundry on the line and followed it back. But I had felt the panic of being disoriented.
A family with three small girls arrived at a camp in the mountains. Immediately, the youngest ran into the woods and others played around. Suddenly, they realized the youngest was missing and began searching and calling. No luck. She was out of earshot. Night fell and still no sign. About 100 rescuers searched into the night. The following morning, they found her under a log, very cold and tired. Think of the anguish of the parents and the cost of a search party!
Small children should have a whistle tied around their necks when they go on picnics and camping. That way, they can blow until rescued. There are many kinds of communication devices on the market that anyone going into the mountains, winter or summer, can purchase. Not long ago I read about a fellow caught in an avalanche who was able to direct rescuers to him because he had a walkie-talkie. A word to the wise ... WM. T. ELLIOTT, IRVINE, CALIF.
DEAR WM. T. ELLIOTT: The suggestion to supply a whistle for small children who are being taken camping is a good one -- and could avert many anxious moments. As to the reminder that high-tech devices can be lifesavers for adults going into wildlife recreational areas, one only has to recall the stranded climbers who have been saved because they remembered to bring along cell phones to know that they are great insurance.
DEAR ABBY: You had a letter in your column a couple of months ago from Kristy Hawkins, who was keeping a journal of her child's life. I do the same thing.
Abby, you heartily endorsed the idea, but you wrote that you were passing her idea along to "mothers" everywhere. I know you meant no slight, but the word should have been "parents." Fathers are everywhere in the lives of their children these days. I see them at school, sports, church, playing in the yard, and even at Girl Scout meetings.
I realize it is still common for the father to work to support the family while the mother cares for the little ones, but fathers play an important role in rearing children. If we are ever going to stamp out discrimination, we must be conscious of our own biases and stop giving only half the parenting partnership all the credit. -- FRUSTRATED FATHER IN PORTSMOUTH, R.I.
DEAR FRUSTRATED FATHER: You are right, of course. It was a slip of the pen, and I'll take my lashes with the wet noodle.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)