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by Abigail Van Buren

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 65-year-old woman. My husband is 68. For the past seven years my husband (I'll call him Earl) hasn't been able to perform in the bedroom. To be honest, that didn't bother me one bit. Six months ago he decided to have an implant. Now he thinks he's a young stud again. He pesters me to death and wants sex four or five times a week, when once a week is more than I can handle.

My best friend, "Mildred," has been widowed for more than a year. She keeps telling me to send Earl over to her house as she has been starving since her husband died. I know she's very clean and free of any disease. I told her that I would write to you, and if you gave your approval, I would agree.

I'm not afraid of losing Earl, as Mildred isn't good-looking at all and she's a terrible cook. (My husband enjoys eating.)

Please answer this in your column because Earl picks up the mail, but neither he nor Mildred reads your column. -- PESTERED WIFE IN PHOENIX

DEAR PESTERED: Don't agree to the arrangement. If Earl and Mildred are "cooking on all burners" in the bedroom, you might be surprised to find he's less preoccupied with what's coming out of the kitchen. And as for having nothing to fear because Mildred isn't at all good-looking -- let me remind you what Benjamin Franklin said: "All cats are gray in the dark." I urge you to keep the home fires burning, and if Mildred says she's "starving," tell her to order take-out.

DEAR ABBY: Last year when I graduated from high school, my Aunt Loraine, who lives across the country from me and couldn't attend the ceremony, sent me a lovely congratulations card, a generous check, and a copy of your "Keepers" booklet. It was terrific.

I have begun receiving announcements from my friends who were a grade behind me. I'm in college and money is tight, but I'd like to give them a little remembrance, and I thought about your booklet since I enjoyed it so much.

Abby, I loaned my booklet to a girlfriend who's attending college in Berkeley, so I don't have the address to order them. Would you please print the address again? Not just for me, but also for others who would like to send the booklets to graduates. Thanks. -- ANITA IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR ANITA: I'm pleased to do it. Many people have discovered that mini-books and pamphlets make terrific add-ons to other gifts. As a matter of fact, yesterday I received a request from a woman who wanted to send the booklets to several of her grandnieces and grandnephews who are graduating from college. She said she was living on a limited income, and the booklets were great value for the dollar and so inspiring that she would be proud to send them. So for both you and the thoughtful aunty, the information is as follows:

To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Keepers, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

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