What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
CHURCH WAS PLACE OF COMFORT WHEN TRAGEDY STRUCK LITTLETON
DEAR ABBY: I'm writing from Littleton, Colo. Just the other day there was a shooting near my house in Columbine. Fortunately, I do not attend Columbine High because I attend school farther north. Still, many of my friends went there.
Almost immediately after the shooting, my school was on lockdown -- but as soon as I was let out, I went straight to my church. I was amazed at all of the people I found there. People who used to despise each other were hugging. People who never knew each other were talking. Although I was in a Catholic church, religion did not matter. There were rabbis, pastors and reverends. Buddhism and other religions were represented. Even atheists were there. It didn't matter who you were; we were all there as a community.
I spoke with people I never knew before and was deeply touched by their experiences. I ended up staying there for most of the night, and then returned and stayed there throughout the next day. I eventually learned that some of my friends were shot, which drew me even closer to the people I was with.
I just want to say a heartfelt thank-you to everyone who set aside their differences and helped us here in Littleton. -- VERY THANKFUL IN LITTLETON
DEAR THANKFUL: To you and to the other citizens of Littleton, I offer sympathy and prayers for recovery. The media brought your tragedy into millions of homes worldwide, and no one who witnessed the violence you experienced will remain untouched by it.
It's encouraging that your place of worship was where you sought refuge and comfort after leaving school, and that when you arrived you discovered the gathering to be ecumenical. Religion should bring people together, not divide them. As I have said in the past, a church is not a museum for saints -- it's a hospital for sinners. And I can think of no better place for wounded souls to begin healing.
DEAR ABBY: I am disturbed at your advice to "Wondering in Superior, Wis." concerning the baby shower for a second child. I have never heard that showers are only for the first child. Both of my children received showers -- and both of them were greatly needed, considering my children are of different sexes. Tomorrow I am attending a shower for a fourth daughter.
I have always considered a shower to be a celebration of a child's birth, each equally valued. Perhaps we should change the way we view this, and adopt a more generous, loving attitude. Every new mother can use the support of her friends, and a shower is simply a symbol of that.
I hope "Wondering" will reconsider and offer her friend her support. -- SHERREE IN OREGON
DEAR SHERREE: I didn't take into account the fact that the new baby might be a different sex from its older sibling. Although Emily Post and Amy Vanderbilt do not agree, your argument is convincing. You're right, the birth of a child is an event to celebrate. I, too, hope "Wondering" will reconsider and decide to support her friend.
Unnamed, Unclaimed Photos Can Be Destroyed Guilt Free
DEAR ABBY: My Great-Uncle Ben died in 1987, two years after his wife, Bonnie. Among the articles he left behind were 70 photo albums composed of snapshots and Polaroid pictures. The photos are unidentified except for a few that have notes like, "Outside Pearl's place," or "Evening before J.J. arrived." They mean nothing whatsoever to anyone who has seen them.
Except for a lovely memorial album that Uncle Ben put together after Aunt Bonnie died, nobody is interested in these albums. However, everybody (except me) wants them intact because they "obviously meant a lot to Ben and Bonnie." I'm now stuck with them because I'm single and my family thinks that automatically gives me more storage space. It doesn't.
When I tried to donate the albums to places like Ben and Bonnie's hometown library, I was politely turned down. I tried the retirement community where they had lived and was told the center couldn't use them either. The administrator suggested that I "respectfully destroy" the albums.
My family members are horrified at the proposal. I loved Uncle Ben and Aunt Bonnie as much as anyone, but they were practical people, and I'm sure they would agree with my solution. They're probably laughing in amazement that these albums have survived this long.
Abby, I would like to condense the albums into one meaningful collection (if I can even identify that many photos) and "respectfully destroy" the rest. I hate to bother you with anything this trivial, but I need some backup for the wrath that is sure to follow if I carry out my plan. -- RESPECTFUL RITA, TAOS, N.M.
DEAR RITA: You are not being disrespectful; you are being practical. Give one more try to donating the albums. This time, check with the local historical society. If it refuses, give your family members one last chance to either claim individual photos or assume the responsibility of storing the whole kit and caboodle. After a reasonable period of time, proceed with your plan. I, too, think you would then have Uncle Ben and Aunt Bonnie's blessing.
DEAR ABBY: I've read many articles over the years about whether the father or the stepfather should walk the bride down the aisle. I'd like to share my solution with you.
I was raised by my father until the age of 9, and by my stepfather from 9 to 19. Since both men put equal heart and soul into my upbringing, I asked them both to give me away. My stepfather declined, saying it was my father's day.
As my father proudly walked me down the aisle, we stopped, I handed my father my bouquet, turned and hugged and kissed my stepfather, then turned and proceeded to my awaiting groom.
There wasn't a dry eye in the church. To this day, some 15 years later, friends still tell me it was one of the most touching gestures they have ever witnessed, one that had great symbolism.
Abby, I hope this solution helps someone else who may be wondering how to handle that situation. -- B. COATES, GLENDALE, ARIZ.
DEAR B. COATES: Although it's not to be found in any etiquette book, you have provided a beautiful and sensitive solution to a situation in which many brides find themselves. Thank you for sharing it.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
School Shootings Provide Mom With License to Spy on Teens
DEAR ABBY: Now, after the recent school shootings, I have a genuine reason to write to you to tell you just how much I disagreed with you every time you said a child's room and belongings are their private business, and parents should respect this so-called "privacy" and not snoop. BULL!
Now I no longer feel guilty for all the times I secretly "invaded" my kids' privacy by reading their diaries and going through their backpacks and purses, dresser drawers and closets, and even eavesdropping on their phone conversations. If the kids don't have anything to hide, they shouldn't need to worry. Call me a snoopy mom, but I know what my kids are up to, what their plans are and who they plan to do it with, and I no longer feel guilty whatsoever, thank you, ma'am! -- SNOOPY MOM, EDNA, TEXAS
DEAR SNOOPY MOM: Interest, or concern, is not spying. Until children reach legal age, parents are responsible for their health, education and growth. If children are overly secretive about what's going on in their lives, of course their parents will pry. If parents have a legitimate reason to question their child's honesty, it's only common sense to check. But nosiness is not a legitimate reason, especially if teens have proven by their actions that they can be trusted.
DEAR ABBY: I'm a 46-year-old woman who married a 41-year-old man in January of this year. It's my second marriage and his first.
He hasn't told me he loves me since the day we were married. When I share my needs with him, he doesn't respond in a reassuring way. He usually gets hurt or mad, and ignores me as if he's the injured party. Among other issues, here's the clincher: He has not told his parents or other family members that we are married. We both told my parents about the engagement and that we were being married in a private ceremony. (My parents didn't really understand that part.)
His excuse for not telling his parents is that he wants to make sure our marriage works, plus he doesn't want to hear any negative feedback. However, his mother has introduced me to others as her "future daughter-in-law." Also, he wanted a "private and confidential" marriage. I went along with it because he promised me we would have a church wedding and a honeymoon in about a year. Recently he has started saying he no longer wants another ceremony, claiming, "We're married and it's a done deal."
I feel our wedding vows of "love, honor and cherish" are all a big lie. I feel he's dishonoring me by not telling his parents. He's leading them to believe we're living together in sin. He is also talking about his first love when he was 17, and a recent crush that a 20-year-old young woman at work has on him. He wants to buy her a card and a rose for her birthday. I thought that was a gift for someone with romantic intentions.
It hasn't even been six months, and already our marriage is a disaster. I know the first year is difficult, but this is just too much. I'm so hurt. I'm torn between honoring my marriage vows and calling it quits. What should I do? -- HURT AND CONFUSED, FOUNTAIN VALLEY, CALIF.
DEAR HURT AND CONFUSED: It takes two people working together to build a successful marriage. Offer your husband the option of sharing the news of your nuptials with his family and of seeking marriage counseling immediately. If he gives you an argument, lose this loser.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)