DEAR ABBY: I'm a 46-year-old woman who married a 41-year-old man in January of this year. It's my second marriage and his first.
He hasn't told me he loves me since the day we were married. When I share my needs with him, he doesn't respond in a reassuring way. He usually gets hurt or mad, and ignores me as if he's the injured party. Among other issues, here's the clincher: He has not told his parents or other family members that we are married. We both told my parents about the engagement and that we were being married in a private ceremony. (My parents didn't really understand that part.)
His excuse for not telling his parents is that he wants to make sure our marriage works, plus he doesn't want to hear any negative feedback. However, his mother has introduced me to others as her "future daughter-in-law." Also, he wanted a "private and confidential" marriage. I went along with it because he promised me we would have a church wedding and a honeymoon in about a year. Recently he has started saying he no longer wants another ceremony, claiming, "We're married and it's a done deal."
I feel our wedding vows of "love, honor and cherish" are all a big lie. I feel he's dishonoring me by not telling his parents. He's leading them to believe we're living together in sin. He is also talking about his first love when he was 17, and a recent crush that a 20-year-old young woman at work has on him. He wants to buy her a card and a rose for her birthday. I thought that was a gift for someone with romantic intentions.
It hasn't even been six months, and already our marriage is a disaster. I know the first year is difficult, but this is just too much. I'm so hurt. I'm torn between honoring my marriage vows and calling it quits. What should I do? -- HURT AND CONFUSED, FOUNTAIN VALLEY, CALIF.
DEAR HURT AND CONFUSED: It takes two people working together to build a successful marriage. Offer your husband the option of sharing the news of your nuptials with his family and of seeking marriage counseling immediately. If he gives you an argument, lose this loser.