To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Husband Wants to Take Steps to Tell Stepchildren to Leave
DEAR ABBY: Some time ago I lost my first wife. About a year and a half later I remarried. My kids were adults and on their own. My new wife still had children in high school. I helped all of them to get their first car, and sometimes worked on their cars to keep them running. When they have problems or need money, I have been the one they came to for help.
My grown children try to work out their own problems and hardly ever come to me for help. When my wife's kids have problems with their marriages, they stay at our home. One has been with us for several months now. Another thinks we should baby-sit two or three times a week. When I say anything to my wife, she gets upset.
I'm retired now and would like to have my home back for my wife and me to enjoy our retirement. I worked for more than 40 years to enjoy retirement -- now I hate every day of it.
I've considered leaving, but with the laws as they are, she would get half of my retirement, and she never worked to put anything into it. Not a day goes by that I don't wish I had not remarried. I would have been happier living by myself. -- HATES EVERY DAY
DEAR HATES: It's possible that when your wife's children were in high school, you overindulged them. However, you are all adults now, and it is time for them to accept responsibility for themselves. You are overdue for a talk with them. If your wife feels unable to bring herself to talk to them with you -- do it alone.
After 40 years of hard work, you are entitled to some happiness in your retirement. If you are truly as unhappy as your signature indicates, talk to a lawyer about your options, and what your wife is entitled to if you and she should separate. It may not be as much as you fear.
DEAR ABBY: You printed a letter from a reader signed "Ex-Seminarian" discussing the topic of Immaculate Conception. He stated that according to Christianity, Immaculate Conception refers to Mary's having been born without the stain of sin (original sin). Well, I take exception to that statement.
There is absolutely no biblical reference to Mary, the mother of Jesus, having been born without "original sin." The Immaculate Conception refers to just that -- Jesus was conceived while Mary was a virgin. The concept of Mary being born without sin is something the Catholic Church has perpetuated for many years. She was certainly chosen by God to bear his son, but by no means or biblical reference was she without sin. This is merely man-made doctrine with no biblical basis.
You are NOT confused, Abby. It is "Ex-Seminarian" who is confused. -- MARINO GARCIA, CINCINNATI
DEAR MARINO: Perhaps. You weren't the only one to point this out. I should have caught the misstatement "according to Christianity" and corrected it to read "according to the doctrine of the Roman Catholic Church." Other Christians may not accept the doctrine of the Immaculate Conception, but the term is properly used to describe the circumstances of Mary's conception, not Jesus'.
CLEANING UP MOTHER'S CLUTTER BRINGS DAUGHTER LITTLE THANKS
DEAR ABBY: The letter from "Distraught Husband" struck a chord with me, a daughter who finally took action to clean up the clutter that had overtaken my mother's life. Until last Christmas, my mother had never experienced having her many grandchildren gather around her table for a meal because she wouldn't allow anyone into her home.
Two years ago, I moved in with my daughters and we began the seemingly endless task of cleaning her house -- repainting, repairing, reupholstering and relandscaping. In the process, I found a fortune underneath piles of trash in a room she had forbidden me to enter. She experienced panic attacks and very real terror as I peeled away three decades worth of clutter.
Now, two years later, Mother has a regular cleaning lady, a gardener, a lawyer, an accountant and a stockbroker to manage the estate left by her parents. She has a beautiful home and enough money to travel around the world. We've had family gatherings, brunches for friends and neighborhood parties. Don't you just love happy endings?
Well, think again. There's no happy ending here. The truth is, Mother doesn't know how to function without the security blanket her clutter provided. She's angry with me for "ruining her life" and complains about me in outrageous terms to anyone who will listen. At the same time, she's overly dependent upon me and wants me involved in every aspect of her life. I know Mother needs help and suffers from age-related physical and mental problems, but I just can't take it anymore.
The best advice I can offer "Distraught Husband" is to get psychological counseling as a couple, BEFORE you begin tackling the cleanup. This is important, not only for her welfare, but to protect you from any false accusations that may come from her confused state of mind. Remember: The REAL clutter is in her head, and will still be there long after you clean up the house. -- TIME TO MOVE ON
DEAR TIME: Before you move on, please consider taking a short vacation instead. It will do wonders for your state of mind.
As our population is aging, more attention is being devoted to the growing need for services for seniors. There is help for your mother's physical and emotional problems, and respite care for you. A consultation with a geriatric specialist could benefit you greatly. You could also benefit by joining a support group for adult children of aging parents. Please consider all the options available before you throw in the towel.
Read on for another view of the same letter:
DEAR ABBY: I am 11 years old and I'm doing a project on the skeletal system. Part of my project is osteoporosis. Osteoporosis is called the "silent disease" because there are cases when you don't know you have it until you break a bone. One of the ways to prevent a fall that could result in a break is to keep rooms free of clutter and mess.
I am concerned about "Distraught Husband." Does his wife realize how dangerous it is for rooms to be cluttered? I suggest "Distraught" start by saying to his wife, "I'm concerned about your health." -- SKELETAL SMARTY IN JERSEY
DEAR SMARTY: Not only do you have a caring heart, you are intelligent. Slip-and-fall injuries can be life-threatening (and certainly life-altering) to frail seniors, and they should install grab bars in bathrooms, make sure there is adequate lighting on stairways, and remove scatter rugs that might cause serious accidents. A stitch in time saves nine.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Bridal Couple Should Return Gifts From Called-Off Wedding
DEAR ABBY: My son and his fiancee recently canceled their wedding. She is in the Army. Before she left, our side of the family gave her a wonderful bridal shower, and they received an abundance of great gifts.
When we were told the wedding was "off," we went to her mother's house to get the gifts to return them to our family members. Her mother informed us that they were her daughter's gifts, and she was already using them in Texas.
I said, "No, they were for a COUPLE who were going to be married and are no longer going to be. The gifts must be returned." The woman told me she did not see why.
I tried to explain that my son recently got an apartment, but he would never have used the gifts knowing they were intended for the two of them when they got married.
Abby, is she right or am I? -- EMBARRASSED IN FREMONT, OHIO
DEAR EMBARRASSED: Since the wedding was canceled, the COUPLE should have returned the gifts that had not been used. Neither you nor the bride's mother should have been involved in returning them.
DEAR ABBY: A good friend of mine wrote the enclosed poem for his daughter. After she read it, she managed to get off cocaine.
I just found out that my daughter has been using cocaine. I am sending her a copy. I hope it will also help her. Abby, I pray that you will put this in your column, which I read every day. God bless you always. -- AN ARIZONA READER
DEAR READER: I pray the message of this poem will inspire your daughter and other cocaine users to quit:
MY NAME IS COCAINE by Larry Jackson
My name is Cocaine -- call me coke for short.
I entered this country without a passport.
Ever since then I've made lots of scum rich.
Some have been murdered and found in a ditch.
I'm more valued than diamonds, more treasured than gold.
Use me just once and you too will be sold.
I'll make a schoolboy forget his books.
I'll make a beauty queen forget her looks.
I'll take a renowned speaker and make him a bore.
I'll take your mother and make her a whore.
I'll make a teacher forget how to teach.
I'll make a preacher not want to preach.
I'll take all your rent money and you'll be evicted.
I'll murder your babies, or they'll be addicted.
I'll make you rob, and steal, and kill.
When you're under my power, you will have no will.
Remember, my friend, my name is "Big C."
If you try me one time, you may never be free.
I've destroyed many actors, politicians and heroes.
I've decreased bank accounts from millions to zero.
I'll make shootings and stabbings a common affair.
Once I take charge, you won't have a prayer.
Now that you know me, what will you do?
You'll have to decide -- it's all up to you.
Listen to me, and please listen well,
When you ride with Cocaine, you're headed for HELL.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)