Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Booklets, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)
Dad's Idea of Fun for Kids Is Scaring Their Mom to Death
DEAR ABBY: My husband is scaring me to death. He frequently puts our two children in dangerous situations, and sometimes they get hurt. Last summer he let them "play" with an ax, and my daughter ended up with a gash in her leg that required a trip to the emergency room for stitches. My son has fallen off a roof and received a concussion because my husband allowed him to play there.
Last week, I caught my husband pulling our trampoline over to a one-story shed so our children could jump off it onto the trampoline. Abby, trampolines are dangerous enough without the added "boost."
When I voiced my opinion, he said I should not question his parenting. He always says that, and continues to place them in danger. I have no family close by to help me stand up to him, and he refuses to go for counseling. He says a walk in the park does him more good. What should I do? -- TOO MANY E.R. VISITS, ASHLAND, ORE.
DEAR TOO MANY: A parent is supposed to have common sense and mature judgment; however, your husband must have been absent when those traits were handed out. Since you have no family nearby to help you stand up to him, and he refuses counseling, I urge you to go without him. Your therapist will be your ally and help you to find the strength to do what you must.
There are laws against child endangerment. Before your husband again places the children in jeopardy, pick up the phone and call Child Protective Services. You'll find them in the phone book.
DEAR ABBY: My mother-in-law, "Sylvia," recently attended a housewarming hosted by one of the teachers at the middle school where she is employed. (I'll call the woman Grace.) Grace married a year ago, and she and her new husband have built a lovely new home with three bathrooms.
Grace took everyone on a tour of the house. Sylvia told me that there were camellias floating in the toilet of the master bath. Grace explained that it was a "subtle" way to discourage guests from using their bathroom instead of the guest bathrooms. Sylvia thought it was a clever idea.
Abby, I think it was rude and ridiculous. When you open your home to guests, you open all of it. How can you show someone your master bedroom and bath, and then not allow them to use it if the others are occupied?
What is your opinion on this matter? -- GRACIOUS HOSTESS IN MAINE
DEAR GRACIOUS HOSTESSS: I vote with you; the idea was all wet.
DEAR ABBY: I believe I have a positive solution to the dilemma facing "Uncertain in Florida," who thinks her mother-in-law is too old, frail and hard-of-hearing to care for the new baby.
Abby, she should hire a baby sitter and have her mother-in-law there, too. This would benefit both the grandchildren and Grandma by keeping them involved with each other. The baby sitter could supply the "muscle" and Grandma the love. -- IT WORKED FOR ME IN L.A.
DEAR WORKED FOR ME: Why didn't I think of that? Thank you for an excellent suggestion.
Mother's Wedding Meddling Bodes Ill for Couple's Future
DEAR ABBY: I'm being married soon. My parents are paying for the entire wedding. My fiance, "Jim," and I wanted something small, but my parents decided to go all out. Although I'm grateful, I realize this has become my parents' party as much as it is our wedding.
Jim's folks and mine shared the cost of the engagement party, but it was MY mother who insisted on a copy of the gift list because she wanted to know who gave what.
She's already asking me how much Jim makes, how much we're paying for our honeymoon, and telling us how to spend our money and on what. Mother now says she "needs" the wedding gift list so she'll know for future reference what to give the gift-givers in return. Jim and I feel she's butting into our finances already and don't want to give her the list. We both think it's inappropriate. If you agree, how can we tell her delicately? My mother will take offense and say that since she paid for the wedding she has a right to know. -- SCARED OF MOM'S WRATH IN N.J.
DEAR SCARED: Since you already know that your mother will take offense, brace yourself for a confrontation. Tell her in no uncertain terms that the fact that she and your father have paid for the wedding does not entitle her to a copy of your gift list, nor access to your personal financial information.
She appears to be very controlling, and unless you want her running your life, you must draw the line now. If you can't stand your ground alone, you and your fiance should do it together -- and the sooner, the better. Good luck. You'll need it.
DEAR ABBY: There appears to be a tragic rebirth of bigotry today, here and elsewhere. And as usual, it is based on ignorance. In an old classic movie, "South Pacific" (1958), it was expressed in the lyrics of a song by Rodgers and Hammerstein:
"You've got to be taught to hate and fear.
"You've got to be taught from year to year,
"It's got to be drummed in your dear little ear,
"You've got to be carefully taught!
"You've got to be taught to be afraid
"Of people whose eyes are oddly made,
"And people whose skin is a different shade.
"You've got to be carefully taught!
"You've got to be taught before it's too late.
"Before you are 6, or 7, or 8 --
"To hate all the people your relatives hate;
"You've got to be carefully taught!
"You've got to be carefully taught."
Abby, perhaps it's time to reprint them. -- STUART BURDICK, COOS BAY, ORE.
DEAR STUART: Long before it was made into a movie, the play "South Pacific" was a smash hit on Broadway. One of its themes, an interracial romance between an American soldier and a young Polynesian girl, was considered controversial when the play opened on April 7, 1949. The wise and insightful lyrics written by Oscar Hammerstein II ring as true today as the pre-civil rights era in which they were written. Indeed, hatred and prejudice have to be carefully taught.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Choice of Wife's Obstetrician Sparks Stressful Family Feud
DEAR ABBY: I have been married for a year to a wonderful man whom I dated for several years before we married. We have just decided to start a family. Here's the problem:
My husband insists I use his father's practice as my obstetrical team. He thinks I should see one of his father's partners during the pregnancy and have his father assist during the delivery.
To give you a little background, his father works in a practice with other doctors. Only one of the other doctors takes "call," and this is done only part time. That means my father-in-law is on call about 50 percent of the time and is the person contacted if an emergency arises or labor starts. Also, other family members work in his office and have access to all the medical records.
I feel extremely uncomfortable that my husband is trying to dictate what doctor (or practice) I use, especially since these are the most private examinations performed. I feel as though I should be able to use a doctor with whom I'm 100 percent comfortable. I feel very uncomfortable using his father's practice for numerous reasons:
1. I really need privacy and to be 100 percent honest with my practitioner, and I know I couldn't be in that office, as everyone will probably read the records.
2. My father-in-law has asked me questions about pap smears in front of other family members and brought a blood test of mine home from his office and laid it on the kitchen table for all to see.
3. I want to be able to make the decision about who I use as my obstetrician.
This is causing a lot of stress in my marriage. My husband says if I don't go to his father's practice, his family will be "crushed." I then asked him what was more important, my feeling comfortable with my practitioner throughout my pregnancy or his need to please his parents. I got no response.
This whole topic is really creepy, if you ask me. Abby, what are your thoughts on this? -- UNCOMFORTABLE
DEAR UNCOMFORTABLE: I don't blame you for feeling uncomfortable, since your father-in-law has already breached your confidentiality. Your reasons for wanting a doctor who can protect your privacy seem logical and sensible to me. No one should be with you in the delivery room unless you wholeheartedly want him (or her) there. Childbirth is stressful enough without having someone present who makes you uncomfortable.
If you are confronted about your choice of obstetricians, I urge you to speak your mind and make no apologies for your feelings. They are personal preferences to which you are entitled.
DEAR ABBY: "Beauty Secrets" -- the wonderful poem in your March 18 column -- was written by the late humorist Sam Levenson, whose writings continue to entertain and inspire many people. The poem can be found in his book, "In One Era & Out the Other." -- WEST HEMPSTEAD, N.Y., READER
DEAR READER: Thank you for the input. Barry Paris included the poem in the biography he wrote titled "Audrey Hepburn." This poem described so aptly the way she led her life that it could have been written expressly for her.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)