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Mother's Wedding Meddling Bodes Ill for Couple's Future
DEAR ABBY: I'm being married soon. My parents are paying for the entire wedding. My fiance, "Jim," and I wanted something small, but my parents decided to go all out. Although I'm grateful, I realize this has become my parents' party as much as it is our wedding.
Jim's folks and mine shared the cost of the engagement party, but it was MY mother who insisted on a copy of the gift list because she wanted to know who gave what.
She's already asking me how much Jim makes, how much we're paying for our honeymoon, and telling us how to spend our money and on what. Mother now says she "needs" the wedding gift list so she'll know for future reference what to give the gift-givers in return. Jim and I feel she's butting into our finances already and don't want to give her the list. We both think it's inappropriate. If you agree, how can we tell her delicately? My mother will take offense and say that since she paid for the wedding she has a right to know. -- SCARED OF MOM'S WRATH IN N.J.
DEAR SCARED: Since you already know that your mother will take offense, brace yourself for a confrontation. Tell her in no uncertain terms that the fact that she and your father have paid for the wedding does not entitle her to a copy of your gift list, nor access to your personal financial information.
She appears to be very controlling, and unless you want her running your life, you must draw the line now. If you can't stand your ground alone, you and your fiance should do it together -- and the sooner, the better. Good luck. You'll need it.
DEAR ABBY: There appears to be a tragic rebirth of bigotry today, here and elsewhere. And as usual, it is based on ignorance. In an old classic movie, "South Pacific" (1958), it was expressed in the lyrics of a song by Rodgers and Hammerstein:
"You've got to be taught to hate and fear.
"You've got to be taught from year to year,
"It's got to be drummed in your dear little ear,
"You've got to be carefully taught!
"You've got to be taught to be afraid
"Of people whose eyes are oddly made,
"And people whose skin is a different shade.
"You've got to be carefully taught!
"You've got to be taught before it's too late.
"Before you are 6, or 7, or 8 --
"To hate all the people your relatives hate;
"You've got to be carefully taught!
"You've got to be carefully taught."
Abby, perhaps it's time to reprint them. -- STUART BURDICK, COOS BAY, ORE.
DEAR STUART: Long before it was made into a movie, the play "South Pacific" was a smash hit on Broadway. One of its themes, an interracial romance between an American soldier and a young Polynesian girl, was considered controversial when the play opened on April 7, 1949. The wise and insightful lyrics written by Oscar Hammerstein II ring as true today as the pre-civil rights era in which they were written. Indeed, hatred and prejudice have to be carefully taught.
Choice of Wife's Obstetrician Sparks Stressful Family Feud
DEAR ABBY: I have been married for a year to a wonderful man whom I dated for several years before we married. We have just decided to start a family. Here's the problem:
My husband insists I use his father's practice as my obstetrical team. He thinks I should see one of his father's partners during the pregnancy and have his father assist during the delivery.
To give you a little background, his father works in a practice with other doctors. Only one of the other doctors takes "call," and this is done only part time. That means my father-in-law is on call about 50 percent of the time and is the person contacted if an emergency arises or labor starts. Also, other family members work in his office and have access to all the medical records.
I feel extremely uncomfortable that my husband is trying to dictate what doctor (or practice) I use, especially since these are the most private examinations performed. I feel as though I should be able to use a doctor with whom I'm 100 percent comfortable. I feel very uncomfortable using his father's practice for numerous reasons:
1. I really need privacy and to be 100 percent honest with my practitioner, and I know I couldn't be in that office, as everyone will probably read the records.
2. My father-in-law has asked me questions about pap smears in front of other family members and brought a blood test of mine home from his office and laid it on the kitchen table for all to see.
3. I want to be able to make the decision about who I use as my obstetrician.
This is causing a lot of stress in my marriage. My husband says if I don't go to his father's practice, his family will be "crushed." I then asked him what was more important, my feeling comfortable with my practitioner throughout my pregnancy or his need to please his parents. I got no response.
This whole topic is really creepy, if you ask me. Abby, what are your thoughts on this? -- UNCOMFORTABLE
DEAR UNCOMFORTABLE: I don't blame you for feeling uncomfortable, since your father-in-law has already breached your confidentiality. Your reasons for wanting a doctor who can protect your privacy seem logical and sensible to me. No one should be with you in the delivery room unless you wholeheartedly want him (or her) there. Childbirth is stressful enough without having someone present who makes you uncomfortable.
If you are confronted about your choice of obstetricians, I urge you to speak your mind and make no apologies for your feelings. They are personal preferences to which you are entitled.
DEAR ABBY: "Beauty Secrets" -- the wonderful poem in your March 18 column -- was written by the late humorist Sam Levenson, whose writings continue to entertain and inspire many people. The poem can be found in his book, "In One Era & Out the Other." -- WEST HEMPSTEAD, N.Y., READER
DEAR READER: Thank you for the input. Barry Paris included the poem in the biography he wrote titled "Audrey Hepburn." This poem described so aptly the way she led her life that it could have been written expressly for her.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Donation of Organs Can Transform Grief Into Purpose
DEAR ABBY: On Jan. 11, 1994, my nephew made a fatal mistake. He accepted a ride from a man who had been drinking. Three hours later, we received a call from my nephew's wife -- he was on a respirator and was not expected to survive due to severe brain damage. It seems the driver had trouble making a curve in the road because he was speeding and intoxicated. The car struck a tree. The driver left him and the scene. Although it was a horrible shock, certain staff members at the hospital were able to guide us to the decision to donate his organs and tissue.
Death is never easy or painless, but take it from me -- grief can be transformed into an energy that can save the lives of so many. The death of one person can spare the lives of five or more people, and can even give sight to the blind.
There are also living donors: kidney, bone marrow, blood, red cells and platelets -- the possibilities are endless.
On April 16, I took my nephew's daughter to Washington, D.C., for the 1999 National Donor Family Recognition Ceremony. My family was joined by my nephew's kidney recipient. It was a celebration of a life that is burning brightly in others.
We still miss him very much, but we have been shown by God that there is no death. I encourage all to find a way to give. Even the smallest donation is larger than none. -- LORI NELSON, FORT WORTH, TEXAS
DEAR LORI: Your letter carries a powerful and positive message.
The most frequent source of transplant organs are the estimated 6,000 to 10,000 people who die of brain death each year in intensive care units in hospitals. Most of the donors are otherwise healthy individuals who are injured in freeway accidents, shootings or other tragedies.
The biggest obstacle in organ procurement is resistance on the part of families. Although health-care professionals request that families donate, many families who are approached are reluctant to permit it. That is why it is vital that those who want to become organ donors explain their wishes to their families early on. Organ donation cannot take place without the approval of the survivors.
DEAR ABBY: I wonder whether you may have missed the boat in your recent response to "Concerned Friend in Berkeley," who felt that an unmarried male friend was unhappy being the only unattached member of a group of friends made up of couples. You suggested that she discreetly seek to involve some single women in the group's activities and "let nature take its course."
However, reading between the lines of her description of her friend as "too shy to seek out a relationship, too proud to let his friends introduce him to a woman, and too private to discuss his feelings in depth," it sounds quite possible that he might in fact be gay, but deeply closeted (perhaps seeking to deny it even to himself).
One should not, of course, jump too hastily to such a conclusion, but neither should the very real possibility be overlooked. There are still many such people in this day of relative openness. -- JIM RICKETSON, RICHMOND, VA.
DEAR JIM: That's true. However, he could also be a person who enjoys being single, and feels no compulsion to bring a date if there's no one in whom he's particularly interested.
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