To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Daughter's Ban of Cat and Dog Peeves Her Pet Loving Parents
DEAR ABBY: Is it possible to have a family pet problem without a solution? I live in Virginia. Several years ago my parents retired to Florida after living here for many years.
The problem is they insist on visiting us with their cat and dog several times a year for weeks at a time. At first we accepted this arrangement despite allergies to animals and the dog having regular "accidents" in the house. It has been a sore subject between my husband and me, because he has never been a "pet person."
We recently purchased a new home and have invested in new carpeting. We have been honest with my parents and told them that while we welcome them anytime, to please make other arrangements for their pets.
They are furious about our decision, criticizing us for valuing belongings over family, threatening to never visit our children, and accusing us of "kicking them out." They will never put their animals in kennels.
Are they asking too much of us, or have we unfairly changed the rules on them, as they claim? -- CONFUSED IN RICHMOND
DEAR CONFUSED: People are emotional about their pets and compromise is difficult. On their next visit, encourage your parents to stay at a motel or hotel that accepts pets. Even if you must share the cost of their lodging, it will probably be cheaper than carpet cleaning and the wear and tear on your new home.
DEAR ABBY: For many years I have regarded your column as a neutral observer of human problems. One recurring topic that appears concerns "giving the bride away" at a wedding ceremony. The custom exists worldwide in various ethnic groups.
Historically the custom is based on the centuries-old concept of a woman (daughter) being the property or chattel of the male head of the family (father). It precedes even Biblical practices.
In our contemporary strides for gender equality, the practice hardly seems necessary at a wedding. In all states, a man and a woman enter into a contractual union essentially and legally based on their individual free-will choice. They give themselves to each other. It's not a matter of giving away a female piece of property.
In 16 years I performed more than 25,000 civil ceremonies for couples from 50 states and 81 countries. I rarely permitted the giving away of a bride, making exceptions based on foreign practices. To me, the "giving away" was similar to selling a piece of real estate. I could not, and do not, accept the practice among contemporary brides born in the U.S.A. -- "MARRYIN' SAM" FROM NEVADA
DEAR "MARRYIN' SAM": Your letter is sure to raise the eyebrows of many brides-to-be, although it may not diminish their desire to be "given in marriage" by their fathers. Although the contemporary bride in reality gives herself to her husband, one look through a bridal magazine should be a clue to how she clings to tradition.
Wife Ready to Blow Her Fuse Over Utility's Sick Leave Policy
DEAR ABBY: I am very frustrated and need your help. Please do not use my name, city or state. It could get my husband fired.
"Al" works for one of the largest electrical utilities in the country. He's a lineman and puts his life on the line every day. Al works hard, gets along well with co-workers and supervisors, and responds promptly every time he's called for an emergency. He has worked many holidays and missed a number of family celebrations.
So what's the problem? Al is verbally chastised and receives low evaluation scores because he uses his sick days when he's ill. With young children, we have the usual colds, flus and viruses. He got the flu twice last winter, and I thought the company was going to fire him. The supervisor demanded that Al get a doctor's note for the days he missed.
Abby, the unspoken rule is DO NOT USE SICK DAYS. His company touts safety and rewards employees for safety records but demands that they work even when sick. How safe can it be for a man shaking with chills and fever to be perched on a utility pole, 40 feet in the air?
The company hasn't singled Al out -- they treat all employees this way. In my opinion, forcing employees to work while sick is not in the best interests of the employees or the company. I cannot imagine why the company clings to this warped way of thinking.
How should we handle this without jeopardizing Al's job? -- LINEMAN'S WORRIED WIFE
DEAR WORRIED WIFE: Your husband has the right to use his sick days as long as the need is legitimate. If the company is strict about bringing a doctor's excuse after each illness, Al must accept it and not take it personally.
Unless Al is being singled out and treated differently than his peers, or the company is violating an established policy, there is nothing to be done except consider finding a job with a different company, or another line of work.
DEAR ABBY: I'm writing in response to the letter from the gay man who finally came out after many years of marriage and several children.
Abby, I can relate to the man's wife. A few years ago, my husband came out at the age of 45, when our daughter was 9 years old. It was very traumatic, but I discovered a support group for us, the spouses.
Amity Pierce Buxton, Ph.D., wrote a book I found very helpful. It's titled "The Other Side of the Closet: The Coming-Out Crisis for Straight Spouses and Families." She also coordinates support groups, and counsels spouses and ex-spouses of bisexual, gay and lesbian mates.
There is also an online support network: Straight Spouse Network at www.ssnetwk.org. It, too, is a lifesaver your readers should know about. -- SAN FRANCISCO SPOUSE
DEAR SPOUSE: Thank you for the information. I'm sure it will be of interest to the estimated 2 million straight spouses of bisexuals, gays and lesbians. Originally published in 1991, the book has now been expanded and revised.
Readers, if the book isn't available in your bookstore or the library, you can call the publisher, John Wiley & Sons Inc., at (800) 225-5945, for information on how to order a copy.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: I work for a major insurance company in the Midwest. The amount of unclaimed premium refunds we have is unbelievable. You'd be shocked at how many people sell their homes and move, and never contact their homeowner's insurance company to cancel their policy. When the mail comes back marked "undeliverable," the policy is canceled -- and nine out of 10 times, a return premium is due the insured. Of course, the refund checks are also returned since no information is available on current addresses.
Additionally, many who do cancel a policy fail to include their new address in their letter -- so any refunds are returned to the insurance company.
Abby, please spread the word that people who have sold a home in the last five years and didn't contact their insurance company to cancel their policy, should contact the company since there may be unclaimed funds. -- REFUND WATCHDOG IN MINNESOTA
DEAR WATCHDOG: Obviously, many people are unaware that the unused portion of their homeowner's insurance policy is refundable. Thank you for bringing this potential windfall to the attention of my readers.
DEAR ABBY: In the next few months, my wife and I will celebrate our 70th wedding anniversary. I have been retired for many years, so I'm qualified to offer suggestions to husbands who have retired:
Husbands, you worked for years in servitude to a boss who gave you orders. Don't feel guilty for the pleasure you get from reading his obituary. After retirement, you have a new boss -- your wife. She doesn't issue orders; she uses diplomacy. For example: "We should wash the windows." "We should clean the cellar and garage." "We should trim those high bushes."
Husbands, you will soon learn that "we" means, "Honey, you ..." I advise you not to mutter. Your wife may be hard of hearing, but you'll discover that muttering comes in loud and clear to her. Develop a hard-of-hearing act. When your wife says, "Honey, I couldn't sleep last night, so I was thinking we should ..." quickly begin your act. If you don't, you'll be sorry.
Your new boss will say she doesn't understand finances and turn the job over to you. But don't try sneaking anything into the pile of bills. She'll catch you.
Abby, please do not reveal my name or address. My wife is an avid Dear Abby reader, and I'd like to reach our 70th wedding anniversary in one piece. -- OVER 90 IN MASSACHUSETTS
DEAR OVER 90: You may be over 90, but your wife has you "going like 60." I'd advise her to put on the brakes, but the regimen seems to agree with you. May you both enjoy a happy, healthy 70th anniversary and more. I'm sure many retired couples will identify with your letter.
CONFIDENTIAL TO "SHOPPED 'TIL I DROPPED IN MISSOURI": Don't take it personally. You are not alone. The late, unforgettable Erma Bombeck wrote: "I won't come right out and say my husband is a man who's difficult to buy for. I will only tell you that every time we give him a gift, we leave all the tags on, the sales slip between the tissue, and draw directions on how to get to the store where we bought it."
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)