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SINGLE MOM FINDS STRENGTH TO GIVE LOTHARIO HIS LEAVE
DEAR ABBY: Thank you for the "scorpion and the frog" story. I'm 23 years old and a single mom. I have been involved for four years with a man who has been living with someone. He keeps telling me that when God gives him a sign, we will live together.
As soon as I read your column today I knew you were right. So, today is the day that I swim alone.
I hope you'll consider printing this, Abby. So many young women out there are in the same position as I have been. As young women, we have to be strong and look inside for the strength to swim alone, because once we are strong we will attract others who are strong. And that's when Prince Charming will come along. I'm convinced of it.
Thank you again for discussing this heart-wrenching topic. It did me a world of good. -- SWIMMING STRONG IN PUYALLUP, WASH.
DEAR SWIMMING: I may have sounded the wake-up call, but you were intelligent enough to hear it and know it was meant for you. Once you have told this two-timing Romeo goodbye, your chances of finding a worthwhile, unattached companion will increase a hundredfold. The problem with expending all your energy on someone who is already involved is that it prevents you from finding someone who is available. I wish you and your child the best of luck.
Your analogy of "swimming" reminds me of a classic letter that appeared in my column years ago. I'm sure you'll identify with the message that's conveyed:
DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 12 years, and I've always felt that my husband thought more of his mother than he did of me -- so I decided to ask him. I put it this way: I said, "Honey, if your mother and I were in a canoe, and the canoe tipped over and we were both drowning, and you could save only one of us, which one would you save?"
Abby, he had the nerve to say, "I think I'd save my mother, because I owe her more"!
I'm so hurt. What should I do? -- ARLENE
DEAR ARLENE: Learn to swim!
DEAR ABBY: After reading the letter from "Ex-Mistress in Massachusetts," I had to write to correct an often-made mistake. She said that cheating husbands often claim they aren't sleeping with their wives, but somehow the wives become pregnant anyway. She then jokingly asked if these pregnancies occur through an "Immaculate Conception."
Abby, according to Christianity, Immaculate Conception does not refer to virgin birth, as in Mary giving birth to Jesus. The Immaculate Conception refers to Mary's having been born without the stain of sin (original sin). I am amazed at how many people confuse the two. -- EX-SEMINARIAN IN VENTURA, CALIF.
DEAR EX-SEMINARIAN: So am I. In years past, this has been pointed out to me, and I'm sorry I didn't catch it.
Nonagenarian Is Wondering if He's Too Late for Love
DEAR ABBY: I am 91 years old, widowed 10 years ago after 54 years of a loving marriage. After my wife's death, I moved in with my widowed stepdaughter in another city. She has since passed away.
I had absolutely NO intention of remarrying. However, a petite, demure, attractive, intelligent, healthy lady of 76 has become my constant companion. We enjoy each other's company and have shared many spontaneous, spur-of-the-moment adventures. I find that I love her dearly, and it seems to be reciprocated.
The actuaries at my insurance company give me 33 more months to live. In her condition, she should look forward to 20 or more years of active life. If we were to marry, in a few short years she would again be a widow -- only older. Also, because of my age, and the fact that I have been celibate for almost 40 years, I could never exercise the conjugal duties of a loving husband. I feel that it would be very unfair to her to propose marriage. She should find a younger, healthier man, but seems indisposed to do so.
Friends of ours, same ages, recently married with the blessing of both their families. Am I selfish to monopolize her time? Am I reasonable in assuming that a marriage would be impractical? Our friends are getting along fine, although he is not as healthy as I am. -- HAPPY IN TEXAS
DEAR HAPPY: If you dearly love that widow, you're addressing your concerns to the wrong woman. Only she can tell you whether your feelings are reciprocated, and whether sex is important to her at this stage of her life. Many women prefer cuddling and affection. You should also discuss your concerns with your physician, because recent medical advances could jump-start your sexual performance, if you're interested.
The ways of the heart are not determined by insurance company actuaries. You could surprise them all and live to be 100. Tell your ladyfriend what you're thinking and observe her reaction. You have everything to gain and nothing to lose.
DEAR ABBY: I'd like to add my two cents to the reader who complained about Jewish celebrities who "constantly remind everyone that they're Jewish."
If "Curious in Tampa" thinks that flaunting one's religious beliefs is a Jewish trait, try taking a drive in December and count the number of houses in which the residents remind everyone that they are Christian with lights, wreaths, crosses and nativity scenes. He or she should visit a mall between October and January, and try to find one that does NOT have Christmas music blaring from every speaker. I wonder how many times "Curious" has asked a new acquaintance, "So, do you have any plans for Easter?" or, "Have you finished your Christmas shopping yet?"
Abby, you should have suggested that "Curious" try to buy something from Christian-owned businesses on a Sunday when they are the only stores closed in the mall. Imagine how other religious groups feel in a world where everyone assumes they are Christian. Maybe then "Curious" might understand why some Jews feel the need to remind people of who they are (or who they are not). -- JEWISH IN CINCINNATI
DEAR JEWISH IN CINCINNATI: You have made some astute observations. However, as I advised "Curious," he or she would have to ask each of the Jewish celebrities who were mentioned, because their responses would be unique.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Responsible Teen Still Chafes Under Parents' Nightly Curfew
DEAR ABBY: I am almost 19 years old. I live at home with my parents while going to school full-time, working part-time and helping my mother baby-sit two little boys four days a week. I also help around the house whenever I'm asked. I have never given my mother any reason not to trust me. I'm a very responsible young adult.
My problem is my curfew. My mother feels I should be home every night by 1 a.m., and I feel I am mature enough to decide what time to come home. I have a cell phone and a pager, so I can be reached at any time. I don't get off work until after 10 p.m., and one night a week I would like to stay out late with my friends. It's hard to visit and socialize when I have so little time. -- NIGHT OWL IN NASHVILLE, TENN.
DEAR NIGHT OWL: Your request for an extension of your curfew one night a week sounds reasonable to me. However, in your parents' home they are entitled to make the rules, and as long as you live under their roof, you must abide by their decisions. If your mother is unwilling to relax her restrictions, consider moving out and sharing an apartment with some of your friends. That way you can make your own rules.
DEAR ABBY: You recently printed a list of signs of teen-age drug abuse. Although the list is valuable for parents, you should know that a majority of those signs could also be signs of sexual, physical or emotional abuse.
Out of the 11 warning signs, I exhibited nine as a teen-ager, and I wasn't using drugs. I had been twice molested as a child by two neighbor boys. My family didn't talk about it because a psychiatrist told my parents not to bring it up. During my teens, I struggled with my sexuality and insecurities brought on by the abuse. I was embarrassed and felt dirty. I was in terrible emotional pain and had no one to talk to. My parents knew I was depressed but didn't know how to approach me. They accused me of having an "attitude" problem. I was desperate for help, but had no way of asking.
I was able to get past being a teen-ager, but I was angry at my parents for not recognizing I needed help. I came from a close family with parents who cared very much for me. There were many good times, but I had a deep sadness that never fully went away. It affected my entire family.
I would urge parents to stop and consider: Could your child be acting out for other reasons than drugs? Could your child be crying out for help? When approaching your child, be careful not to accuse. Be understanding. Ask questions.
If your child refuses to talk to you about personal things, consider seeking professional help. This help is as much for you as it is for your child. Generally, if a child is acting out or using drugs, it's a family problem. Even the best families can have a breakdown of communications. There's no such thing as a "perfect" teen-ager or a "perfect" parent. It's OK to ask for help. -- BEEN THERE IN PORTLAND
DEAR BEEN THERE: I agree that if a child is "acting out" or using drugs, it's a family problem. And the logical place to start to resolve it is by alerting the family physician that something is wrong, and seeking an appropriate referral -- whether it's for substance abuse intervention, emotional or behavior problems, or family therapy.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)