For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Nonagenarian Is Wondering if He's Too Late for Love
DEAR ABBY: I am 91 years old, widowed 10 years ago after 54 years of a loving marriage. After my wife's death, I moved in with my widowed stepdaughter in another city. She has since passed away.
I had absolutely NO intention of remarrying. However, a petite, demure, attractive, intelligent, healthy lady of 76 has become my constant companion. We enjoy each other's company and have shared many spontaneous, spur-of-the-moment adventures. I find that I love her dearly, and it seems to be reciprocated.
The actuaries at my insurance company give me 33 more months to live. In her condition, she should look forward to 20 or more years of active life. If we were to marry, in a few short years she would again be a widow -- only older. Also, because of my age, and the fact that I have been celibate for almost 40 years, I could never exercise the conjugal duties of a loving husband. I feel that it would be very unfair to her to propose marriage. She should find a younger, healthier man, but seems indisposed to do so.
Friends of ours, same ages, recently married with the blessing of both their families. Am I selfish to monopolize her time? Am I reasonable in assuming that a marriage would be impractical? Our friends are getting along fine, although he is not as healthy as I am. -- HAPPY IN TEXAS
DEAR HAPPY: If you dearly love that widow, you're addressing your concerns to the wrong woman. Only she can tell you whether your feelings are reciprocated, and whether sex is important to her at this stage of her life. Many women prefer cuddling and affection. You should also discuss your concerns with your physician, because recent medical advances could jump-start your sexual performance, if you're interested.
The ways of the heart are not determined by insurance company actuaries. You could surprise them all and live to be 100. Tell your ladyfriend what you're thinking and observe her reaction. You have everything to gain and nothing to lose.
DEAR ABBY: I'd like to add my two cents to the reader who complained about Jewish celebrities who "constantly remind everyone that they're Jewish."
If "Curious in Tampa" thinks that flaunting one's religious beliefs is a Jewish trait, try taking a drive in December and count the number of houses in which the residents remind everyone that they are Christian with lights, wreaths, crosses and nativity scenes. He or she should visit a mall between October and January, and try to find one that does NOT have Christmas music blaring from every speaker. I wonder how many times "Curious" has asked a new acquaintance, "So, do you have any plans for Easter?" or, "Have you finished your Christmas shopping yet?"
Abby, you should have suggested that "Curious" try to buy something from Christian-owned businesses on a Sunday when they are the only stores closed in the mall. Imagine how other religious groups feel in a world where everyone assumes they are Christian. Maybe then "Curious" might understand why some Jews feel the need to remind people of who they are (or who they are not). -- JEWISH IN CINCINNATI
DEAR JEWISH IN CINCINNATI: You have made some astute observations. However, as I advised "Curious," he or she would have to ask each of the Jewish celebrities who were mentioned, because their responses would be unique.
Responsible Teen Still Chafes Under Parents' Nightly Curfew
DEAR ABBY: I am almost 19 years old. I live at home with my parents while going to school full-time, working part-time and helping my mother baby-sit two little boys four days a week. I also help around the house whenever I'm asked. I have never given my mother any reason not to trust me. I'm a very responsible young adult.
My problem is my curfew. My mother feels I should be home every night by 1 a.m., and I feel I am mature enough to decide what time to come home. I have a cell phone and a pager, so I can be reached at any time. I don't get off work until after 10 p.m., and one night a week I would like to stay out late with my friends. It's hard to visit and socialize when I have so little time. -- NIGHT OWL IN NASHVILLE, TENN.
DEAR NIGHT OWL: Your request for an extension of your curfew one night a week sounds reasonable to me. However, in your parents' home they are entitled to make the rules, and as long as you live under their roof, you must abide by their decisions. If your mother is unwilling to relax her restrictions, consider moving out and sharing an apartment with some of your friends. That way you can make your own rules.
DEAR ABBY: You recently printed a list of signs of teen-age drug abuse. Although the list is valuable for parents, you should know that a majority of those signs could also be signs of sexual, physical or emotional abuse.
Out of the 11 warning signs, I exhibited nine as a teen-ager, and I wasn't using drugs. I had been twice molested as a child by two neighbor boys. My family didn't talk about it because a psychiatrist told my parents not to bring it up. During my teens, I struggled with my sexuality and insecurities brought on by the abuse. I was embarrassed and felt dirty. I was in terrible emotional pain and had no one to talk to. My parents knew I was depressed but didn't know how to approach me. They accused me of having an "attitude" problem. I was desperate for help, but had no way of asking.
I was able to get past being a teen-ager, but I was angry at my parents for not recognizing I needed help. I came from a close family with parents who cared very much for me. There were many good times, but I had a deep sadness that never fully went away. It affected my entire family.
I would urge parents to stop and consider: Could your child be acting out for other reasons than drugs? Could your child be crying out for help? When approaching your child, be careful not to accuse. Be understanding. Ask questions.
If your child refuses to talk to you about personal things, consider seeking professional help. This help is as much for you as it is for your child. Generally, if a child is acting out or using drugs, it's a family problem. Even the best families can have a breakdown of communications. There's no such thing as a "perfect" teen-ager or a "perfect" parent. It's OK to ask for help. -- BEEN THERE IN PORTLAND
DEAR BEEN THERE: I agree that if a child is "acting out" or using drugs, it's a family problem. And the logical place to start to resolve it is by alerting the family physician that something is wrong, and seeking an appropriate referral -- whether it's for substance abuse intervention, emotional or behavior problems, or family therapy.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
BRIDESMAID HURT THAT PARENTS DID NOT MAKE WEDDING CUT
DEAR ABBY: My best friend is being married this summer, and she has asked me to be one of her bridesmaids. We have been friends since the third grade. My parents have always treated her like one of their own children. We see her only a couple of times a year now, because she moved 800 miles away.
Abby, I recently learned that my parents are not invited to the wedding. Am I wrong to feel hurt that they are excluded? If she had to limit the number of guests, why didn't she just omit my sisters and make room for my parents, who have always been so good to her?
I always thought that proper etiquette requires the parents of wedding attendants to be invited to the wedding. Am I wrong? -- NETTLED IN NANTUCKET
DEAR NETTLED: Although most etiquette experts say the parents of attendants should be invited to the wedding, Emily Post explains that it is a nice gesture when feasible, but not necessary. It's possible that budget constraints caused your friend to limit her guest list. Please give her the benefit of the doubt. Don't take this personally or allow it to sour a lifelong friendship.
DEAR ABBY: Enclosed is a poem my late father wrote in 1951 for Mother's Day. I thought you might like to print it. -- PAT KIRKLAND, RENTON, WASH.
DEAR PAT: Absolutely! Your father's poem carries a strong message for children who live at a distance from their mothers. If the message is taken to heart, it should brighten Mother's Day for many a mother. Read on:
THOUGHT FOR MOTHER'S DAY
If you have a gray-haired mother
In the old home, far away,
Sit down and write the letter
You've put off from day to day.
Don't wait until your weary steps
Have reached the pearly gate,
But let her know you think of her
Before it is too late.
If you have a tender message --
A loving word to say --
Don't wait till you forget it,
But whisper it today.
Who knows what bitter memories
May haunt you if you wait;
So make your loved ones happy
Before it is too late.
The tender words unspoken,
The letters never sent,
The long forgotten messages,
The wealth of love unspent --
For those, some hearts are breaking.
For those, some loved ones wait --
So make your mother happy
Before it is too late.
-- A. ROBERTSON, SOUTH BURNABY, B.C., CANADA
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)