CONFIDENTIAL TO "LOOKING FOR A BETTER FUTURE": "When things are bad, we take comfort in the thought that they could always be worse. And when they are, we find hope in the thought that things are so bad they have to get better." (Malcolm S. Forbes)
Every Child Must Learn That Actions Have Consequences
DEAR ABBY: I would like to comment on the letter from "Victorious in Oregon," the woman whose young daughter and niece made adult entertainment telephone calls amounting to $260. She was fortunate that, by law, she was not obligated to pay for the calls, but there are other issues involved.
The girls were old enough to know they were doing something wrong, and I assume they were punished. But I still think the charges were legitimate. Parents should be financially responsible if their children break the law (i.e. commit vandalism).
Children must be taught that actions have consequences for which they must take responsibility. Years ago, when my daughter was a teen-ager, she was careless about guarding her telephone calling card PIN number, and a friend of hers used the calling card without permission to make $50 worth of calls.
Neither of us knew the source of these charges, and the telephone company was willing to remove them from our bill. When we figured out the identity of the caller, I asked the phone company not to deduct the charges, and my daughter paid them.
It was an expensive lesson for her, but an important one. Today she is a thoughtful, responsible adult -- not that she wouldn't have been had I paid the charges or allowed them to be deducted. -- LYNN B., FOUNTAIN VALLEY, CALIF.
DEAR LYNN: I agree that children should be taught the consequences of their actions -- and I'd be surprised if the children involved in making those phone calls didn't receive a severe lecture and grounding for their mischief. Styles of discipline vary from family to family, and making the girls foot the bill seemed excessively strict to me since it was a first offense.
I am aware that there are more issues involved than whether the parents should have been liable for the phone bill the girls ran up. The children seem to have a lot of unsupervised time on their hands, which in this case they used to satisfy their curiosity about sex. "Victorious" is overdue for a frank discussion with the girls about sex. Now that the hassle with the phone company has been settled, she should turn her attention to enrolling the girls in after-school activities such as music, sports or special-interest clubs, so their minds will be occupied with more wholesome things than X-rated adult entertainment.
DEAR ABBY: I am a bride-to-be who is in the midst of planning my wedding. I have several single guests on my wedding invitation list. Am I obligated to invite the single person with a guest if I know that they do not have a significant other? I did not find that point in your wedding booklet. -- JUNE BRIDE
DEAR BRIDE: You are under no obligation to invite single guests to bring an escort to your wedding, but it would be very gracious of you to do so. Sometimes unattached people feel isolated at weddings because it may seem that everyone else is part of a couple.
Thank you for pointing out that this was omitted in my wedding booklet -- I'll correct it in the next printing.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Gift Horse's Unusual Generosity Leaves Friend Feeling Beholden
DEAR ABBY: How do I deal with a close female friend who has the need to bestow gifts on me often for no reason?
I am a married woman, 65 years old and retired. About two years ago, I met and became friends with the gift-giver. She is a widow about my age. I don't want to ruin our friendship by seeming ungrateful for her generosity, but when I object to the gifts, she appears hurt and withdrawn. Since I don't want to hurt her, I've made a concerted effort to stop my objections.
However, Abby, I need to know why I am resisting her gifts. Is it because they threaten my independence? Even if I could afford to, I wouldn't try to reciprocate her gift-giving to such an extravagant degree. What is it that I do not understand here? Your advice would be welcome. -- UNCOMFORTABLE IN ARIZONA
DEAR UNCOMFORTABLE: You may be uncomfortable about accepting your friend's gifts because they make you feel obligated, or locked into the friendship. Although your reaction is normal, it's important to be gracious about accepting gifts and favors. Since your friend derives pleasure from giving you gifts, try not to spoil her fun.
DEAR ABBY: My wife and I, both in our 70s, feel patronized when waiters, clerks, medical personnel and others call us "young woman" or "young man."
When we tell them we don't like being addressed that way, they are often puzzled or offended, and reply, "We were paying you a compliment because you look young for your age."
We'd appreciate your advice about how we might handle this problem. It might help if you call this to the attention of your readers. -- RETIRED IN L.A.
DEAR RETIRED: Although "young woman" or "young man" may be well-intentioned, it comes across as presumptuous and patronizing. The next time someone tells you it's intended as a compliment, tell the person you appreciate the thought, but you'd prefer to be addressed as Mr. and Mrs. (if that's your preference).
DEAR ABBY: My wife has a friend who has been going to a therapist for her emotional problems for more than seven years. Some of our friends feel she is being taken for a ride, since no resolution has resulted.
Are there any guidelines on how long a patient should be treated by a therapist? Can a therapist suggest a switch to another professional counselor?
Please do not reveal my name or location. We want to remain friendly with this woman. -- CURIOUS
DEAR CURIOUS: Yes, a therapist can suggest a switch to another professional counselor -- and many of them do. If the patient is not showing progress, a consultation with another therapist would be indicated. If the therapist is legitimate, he or she would welcome the idea.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Tall Travelers Find Reason to Rage Against Airlines
DEAR ABBY: When I saw the letter from "PDX Traveler, Tigard, Ore.," I had to write. The seating problem he described has been created by the airlines. They moved the seats closer together to increase revenue, and they profit at the expense of their customers. Passengers should be able to use the seats they have paid for, the way they were designed to be used, without having to ask permission from the person seated behind them. And if they cannot, they should be compensated! -- 6 FOOT 4 TED FROM NEW JERSEY
DEAR TED: When I printed the letter from "PDX Traveler" I had no idea it would hit such a sore spot with frequent airline travelers. When I recommended asking for bulkhead seating, I was unaware that even though people may request it months ahead, there's no guarantee they will get it. From the tone of my mail -- and I received a bushel -- I'm surprised there aren't more incidents of "airplane rage" than we read about, because the situation is combustible:
DEAR ABBY: I'm a 6-foot-tall woman who has also experienced the smashed knee, pinned-in-place-for-the-duration-of-the-flight situation that your reader wrote about. As you suggested, I have tried to get bulkhead seating, but it goes fast. You usually have to take regular seating.
On a trip to Chicago this past spring, I was pinned in place, unable to move the entire flight. We changed planes in Detroit, and I vowed to my companion that I wouldn't suffer any more. When we boarded the next flight for the hop over Lake Michigan, a man took the seat in front of me, and proceeded to recline it. I braced my knees and he couldn't move. He pushed and I pushed. He turned around and angrily said, "Is there a suitcase behind my seat?" I just as angrily replied, "No, it's my knees!" His jaw dropped.
I was feeling a little guilty. Thinking he was probably traveling all the way to L.A. on the continuation of the flight, I reasoned that he could recline after I disembarked from the 20-minute flight to Chicago. When we landed, I stood to leave, and Mr. Recliner stood to disembark as well. He gave me a nasty look, and I said, "You got a problem, Bud?" Since I was a head taller than he was, he said, "No."
I admit, I may have been rude, but how rude was he? I'm tired of being physically crushed by inconsiderate people. If that means I must be inconsiderate, too, so be it. Nonsmokers have rights. Handicapped people have rights. Obese people have rights. Even short people have rights. I say, it's time tall people had rights, too. -- TALL IN FLORIDA
DEAR TALL: I realize that many travelers are fed up with being crammed into aircraft like sardines. The most effective way to resolve the problem would be to write the president of the airline, vent your feelings and request something be done about it at the corporate level. Since Americans are growing taller and bigger with each passing decade, something must be done to accommodate reality. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: You and your readers might like to know that airplane seats are uncomfortable because they were designed when fewer people traveled and air travel was more of a luxury. The basic airframe hasn't changed since the 707. Engineers say that the airlines are unwilling to pay for design changes necessary to produce the comfort customers want. If Boeing doesn't do it -- maybe Airbus will -- which will be to their gain! -- STEPHEN L. RENNACKER, BERKELEY, CALIF.
DEAR STEPHEN: Clearly, this is a problem that will not be resolved without cooperation from the airline industry. If anyone from the airlines would like to reassure the millions of people who fly every year and who read this column -- I'm sure it would clear the air.
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