For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Gift Horse's Unusual Generosity Leaves Friend Feeling Beholden
DEAR ABBY: How do I deal with a close female friend who has the need to bestow gifts on me often for no reason?
I am a married woman, 65 years old and retired. About two years ago, I met and became friends with the gift-giver. She is a widow about my age. I don't want to ruin our friendship by seeming ungrateful for her generosity, but when I object to the gifts, she appears hurt and withdrawn. Since I don't want to hurt her, I've made a concerted effort to stop my objections.
However, Abby, I need to know why I am resisting her gifts. Is it because they threaten my independence? Even if I could afford to, I wouldn't try to reciprocate her gift-giving to such an extravagant degree. What is it that I do not understand here? Your advice would be welcome. -- UNCOMFORTABLE IN ARIZONA
DEAR UNCOMFORTABLE: You may be uncomfortable about accepting your friend's gifts because they make you feel obligated, or locked into the friendship. Although your reaction is normal, it's important to be gracious about accepting gifts and favors. Since your friend derives pleasure from giving you gifts, try not to spoil her fun.
DEAR ABBY: My wife and I, both in our 70s, feel patronized when waiters, clerks, medical personnel and others call us "young woman" or "young man."
When we tell them we don't like being addressed that way, they are often puzzled or offended, and reply, "We were paying you a compliment because you look young for your age."
We'd appreciate your advice about how we might handle this problem. It might help if you call this to the attention of your readers. -- RETIRED IN L.A.
DEAR RETIRED: Although "young woman" or "young man" may be well-intentioned, it comes across as presumptuous and patronizing. The next time someone tells you it's intended as a compliment, tell the person you appreciate the thought, but you'd prefer to be addressed as Mr. and Mrs. (if that's your preference).
DEAR ABBY: My wife has a friend who has been going to a therapist for her emotional problems for more than seven years. Some of our friends feel she is being taken for a ride, since no resolution has resulted.
Are there any guidelines on how long a patient should be treated by a therapist? Can a therapist suggest a switch to another professional counselor?
Please do not reveal my name or location. We want to remain friendly with this woman. -- CURIOUS
DEAR CURIOUS: Yes, a therapist can suggest a switch to another professional counselor -- and many of them do. If the patient is not showing progress, a consultation with another therapist would be indicated. If the therapist is legitimate, he or she would welcome the idea.
Tall Travelers Find Reason to Rage Against Airlines
DEAR ABBY: When I saw the letter from "PDX Traveler, Tigard, Ore.," I had to write. The seating problem he described has been created by the airlines. They moved the seats closer together to increase revenue, and they profit at the expense of their customers. Passengers should be able to use the seats they have paid for, the way they were designed to be used, without having to ask permission from the person seated behind them. And if they cannot, they should be compensated! -- 6 FOOT 4 TED FROM NEW JERSEY
DEAR TED: When I printed the letter from "PDX Traveler" I had no idea it would hit such a sore spot with frequent airline travelers. When I recommended asking for bulkhead seating, I was unaware that even though people may request it months ahead, there's no guarantee they will get it. From the tone of my mail -- and I received a bushel -- I'm surprised there aren't more incidents of "airplane rage" than we read about, because the situation is combustible:
DEAR ABBY: I'm a 6-foot-tall woman who has also experienced the smashed knee, pinned-in-place-for-the-duration-of-the-flight situation that your reader wrote about. As you suggested, I have tried to get bulkhead seating, but it goes fast. You usually have to take regular seating.
On a trip to Chicago this past spring, I was pinned in place, unable to move the entire flight. We changed planes in Detroit, and I vowed to my companion that I wouldn't suffer any more. When we boarded the next flight for the hop over Lake Michigan, a man took the seat in front of me, and proceeded to recline it. I braced my knees and he couldn't move. He pushed and I pushed. He turned around and angrily said, "Is there a suitcase behind my seat?" I just as angrily replied, "No, it's my knees!" His jaw dropped.
I was feeling a little guilty. Thinking he was probably traveling all the way to L.A. on the continuation of the flight, I reasoned that he could recline after I disembarked from the 20-minute flight to Chicago. When we landed, I stood to leave, and Mr. Recliner stood to disembark as well. He gave me a nasty look, and I said, "You got a problem, Bud?" Since I was a head taller than he was, he said, "No."
I admit, I may have been rude, but how rude was he? I'm tired of being physically crushed by inconsiderate people. If that means I must be inconsiderate, too, so be it. Nonsmokers have rights. Handicapped people have rights. Obese people have rights. Even short people have rights. I say, it's time tall people had rights, too. -- TALL IN FLORIDA
DEAR TALL: I realize that many travelers are fed up with being crammed into aircraft like sardines. The most effective way to resolve the problem would be to write the president of the airline, vent your feelings and request something be done about it at the corporate level. Since Americans are growing taller and bigger with each passing decade, something must be done to accommodate reality. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: You and your readers might like to know that airplane seats are uncomfortable because they were designed when fewer people traveled and air travel was more of a luxury. The basic airframe hasn't changed since the 707. Engineers say that the airlines are unwilling to pay for design changes necessary to produce the comfort customers want. If Boeing doesn't do it -- maybe Airbus will -- which will be to their gain! -- STEPHEN L. RENNACKER, BERKELEY, CALIF.
DEAR STEPHEN: Clearly, this is a problem that will not be resolved without cooperation from the airline industry. If anyone from the airlines would like to reassure the millions of people who fly every year and who read this column -- I'm sure it would clear the air.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Women Serious About Marriage May Have to Play Hard to Get
DEAR ABBY: This letter is in response to "Wants to Be Loved in Pennsylvania," whose fiance refused to set a date because he said she "loved him too much." There is one strong, practical, inescapable truth. Almost NO single man, including her fiance, thinks that marriage is a good idea. He associates it with getting old, becoming settled and being tied down. Almost ALL fiances need a strong jolt to upset their satisfied complacency and to make them realize how important and necessary their woman is to them.
She should make herself unavailable to him. No ultimatums, no blame-placing, no arguments. Just a clear announcement that he obviously has different future goals than she, and that she is immediately separating toward hers. And stick to it! If it's meant to be, he will quickly realize that she is essential to his happiness, and he'll discover (as have millions of other married men) how happy and fulfilling the dreaded marital life really is.
Take it from this 79-year-old married man who faced and made that fortunate decision as a 40-year-old bachelor. Believe me, almost all men need that strong kick in the pants to awaken them to what life is really all about. She should stop kicking herself and direct it where it will do some good. -- JOHN H. STEINEMANN, SAN DIEGO
DEAR JOHN: You may speak for a percentage of men of your generation, but you don't speak for all of them. Many men want to be married -- and they want it more than some women do. That's when they write to me. Readers, something tells me this letter will generate some interesting comments from many of you.
DEAR ABBY: You have printed stories in your column about the kindness of strangers. Well, I have a story to tell:
In 1978, my sister and I were traveling together. We visited the London Bridge in Lake Havasu, Ariz. We had some car trouble near Parker, Ariz., and had to be towed to a motel.
After the car was fixed the next day, we toured the Joshua Tree National Monument. At about 2 p.m. we decided we were hungry, so we stopped at a restaurant, only to discover when we entered that they were closed until 4:30 p.m. We asked one of the men sitting at the counter where we could find a restaurant that would be open, since we were traveling and were very hungry. He jumped up and said, "Come on in!"
Abby, the cook was stretched out on the floor napping, but the man got him up to prepare a meal for us. We had pot roast, creamed potatoes, vegetables, biscuits and honey and fresh coffee. We felt like royalty being served in a "closed" restaurant. It was one of the highlights of our trip.
As we were leaving, we took a snapshot of that little restaurant to remind us in years to come how kind they were to total strangers. It was called the Stardust. -- RUTH RANSHAW, HARRISBURG, PA.
P.S. At the time, I was 62 and my sister was 73.
DEAR RUTH: We are bombarded daily with bad news, so it's refreshing to hear stories about acts of kindness. It reaffirms the basic goodness of people.
With a customer service policy like the Stardust's, I hope they're still in business and thriving. Thank you for writing.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)