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Friends Choose Not to Confront Woman's Abusive Beau at Party
DEAR ABBY: I recently gave a party for about 50 of my friends. One of the late arrivals was my beautiful and talented friend "Sara," who arrived accompanied by her new beau, "Sam," whom I had not yet met, but about whom I had heard quite a bit. I greeted them both warmly and invited them into my home. But what I really wanted to do was turn to my other guests and call out, "This is Sam, the man who has been beating our friend Sara."
Since the party, others have told me that had they realized who he was, they wouldn't have shaken his hand, or they would have "told him a thing or two." The bottom line is that we were all polite, even cordial, toward him -- and that's what is bothering me. I know enough about domestic violence to know that if you make the abuser uncomfortable, he will inevitably take it out on the victim. But if we all remain silent, it can appear as though we condone his behavior which, of course, we do not.
I still feel uneasy about treating him as though he were any other welcome guest. As a host, Abby, how would you have handled it? -- THE HOSTESS WHO KNEW TOO MUCH IN FLORIDA
DEAR HOSTESS: I would have handled it exactly the way you did. Publicly embarrassing Sam would not have curtailed his violence, and might have resulted in another beating for Sara.
However, you and Sara's other friends should not sit idly by. Let her know that she does not have to tolerate his abuse, that the beatings are not her fault regardless of how he tries to place the blame on her, and unless he is willing to get psychiatric help, he will not change. Sara should also be told that all of you support her, and for her own safety she must end this romance before he seriously injures or kills her.
DEAR ABBY: I'm responding to the two letters you printed about winery tasting room employees. I have worked in the wine hospitality business for more than 25 years, primarily as a consultant in tasting rooms.
It would be wrong for me to say there is absolutely not one person in the wine business -- or any other business -- with an alcohol problem. But there is no "dirty little secret" about tasting room employees.
My experience is that the vast majority of tasting room employees do not abuse wine, and I've worked with literally hundreds of employees. We practice responsible consumption for ourselves and our guests. The two letters you published on the subject are the exception, not the rule. The wine business is committed to using wine in moderation, particularly with meals. Please set the record straight. -- CRAIG ROOT, ST. HELENA, CALIF.
DEAR CRAIG: I think your letter does that very well. However, although the wine industry urges consumers to "enjoy in moderation," not all individuals are willing or able to acknowledge when enough is enough. It is not my intention to trash the industry, but the people whose letters I published were genuinely concerned about a small group of employees.
DEAR ABBY: I'm 72 and my wife is 74. She has almost entirely quit doing any housework. She will grudgingly cook a meal now and then. I do the laundry, scrub floors and help with the dishes, but I'm not a homemaker. Her back is very bad but she won't have it looked at. She just complains all the time and says she can't do anything.
I wanted to hire some cleaning people to come in and help, but she won't have that.
We have so many clothes the closets are jammed. Nothing ever gets thrown out, so everything gets piled on the furniture or the floor.
The kitchen cupboards are jammed full because when she wants some canned food, instead of using what we have, it's easier to run out and buy some more. The countertops are loaded with cans and packages of food. She would rather eat out, which we do three or four times a week.
Abby, there isn't a surface in the house that doesn't have stuff piled up on it. To wrap a Christmas package, she had to lay it on the kitchen stove. I have suggested moving to an apartment where there isn't so much work to do, but she won't accept that, either.
Are there any solutions to my dilemma? -- DISTRAUGHT HUSBAND, PITTSBURGH
DEAR DISTRAUGHT: Yes, however they won't be easy. Your family doctor should be informed about your wife's behavior -- and any recent changes you have noticed. She may need a thorough physical and possibly neurological examination. She may be buying the large quantities of food in your kitchen not because it's "easier to run to the store," but because she has forgotten that she already has it.
From your description, your home may have become a fire or health hazard. If your wife is unwilling or unable to discard items you no longer use or need, an inspection by the local fire (or health) department should be scheduled to be certain that the clutter hasn't become a danger to both of you.
Please don't wait. Your wife needs help, and it's time you took charge. It may not be pleasant, but it's necessary for her sake and yours.
DEAR ABBY: Our priest (and friend) told us about the oppression of women in Afghanistan. We were so happy to see your column about their plight, and also the telephone number we could call to become a part of the protest against the rigid restrictions on these women.
Abby, your article must have been a great success. I started calling that number at 7 a.m. on the day that column appeared in our paper, and was not able to get through until 3 p.m.
My concern is that others may have become discouraged and given up trying. Please print the phone number again. -- DOROTHY BOHN, REDMOND, ORE.
DEAR DOROTHY: I have received a bushel of letters from readers who also had problems getting through to the telephone number I published. It seems the Feminist Majority was unprepared for the onslaught of calls that came pouring in -- and although they were able to handle more than 7,000, they estimate they "lost" at least that number. So, Readers, if you were unable to get through, please keep trying. The number to call is 1-888-939-6636.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Homebody Boyfriend Doesn't Like Girlfriend's Nights Out
DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend is very nice, and I think he respects me, but I don't know how to motivate him to take me out once in a while. His idea of fun is sitting home and watching TV. If I decide to go out with my friends because I'm tired of sitting at home, he becomes very insecure. I've tried telling him how I feel, but that hasn't helped. Any ideas? -- MICHELE IN PATASKALA, OHIO
DEAR MICHELE: A compromise is in order. Bring the subject up again when he's in a good mood and the two of you are sharing a close moment. Make a plan to go out with your boyfriend once a week and do something that you enjoy. Another night, get involved in an activity that he enjoys. That way, some of your needs are met -- and eventually he'll be more secure if you have an occasional night out with the girls.
If he makes no effort to understand and accommodate you, it might be time to find another boyfriend.
DEAR ABBY: For many years I have admired your levelheaded and sympathetic advice to readers troubled by life's periodic sorrows, so I mean no disrespect when I ask you to help me understand your recent counsel to people offering their sympathies to grieving parents.
In a recent column about well-meaning but hurtful comments to women who have recently miscarried, you advised: "If a friend loses a child through miscarriage, express your feelings of sorrow as though she had lost a 'living' child, because she has."
Doesn't it follow then that, "If a friend loses a child through abortion, express your feelings of sorrow as though she had lost a 'living' child, because she has"?
If you'd prefer to answer my question privately, by letter, please do -- I'm enclosing my address. -- LARRY PONT, CHICAGO
DEAR LARRY: I have received a number of letters from readers asking me that same question, so I'll forgo a "private" response and answer you in print. An abortion is something the woman has CHOSEN to have, so the degree of sadness is usually not the same -- or is, in fact, nonexistent.
Interestingly, women often react to an abortion with the same emotions they bring TO it. A woman who has independently concluded that she wants or needs to have an abortion will have fewer negative feelings about it than a woman who was pressured into having one.
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I live in a semidetached home we saved for years to buy. However, we have a problem with our new neighbors. They are nice people, but they play their stereo so loudly that the boom from the bass is knocking the pictures off our walls! Asking them to stop hasn't worked. Calling the police about the noise takes too long. We don't want to move, but what else can we do? -- ORIGINAL HOME OWNER, OSHAWA, ONTARIO, CANADA
DEAR ORIGINAL: Since you describe your neighbors as "nice," invite them into your home while their stereo is playing so they can hear what you're talking about for themselves. Then ask them if they would consider moving their stereo system to a wall that is not a shared wall. If that doesn't work, consider upholstering the adjoining wall to help muffle the sound.
CONFIDENTIAL TO JEANNE: Happy birthday, my precious, talented firstborn. What would I do without you? Don't tell me; I don't want to know.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)