To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Almost Daughter in Law Wants Respect From Almost in Laws
DEAR ABBY: My fiance and I had a child three years ago. (I know we should have waited until we were married, but we didn't.) I also have other children.
When his parents learned I was pregnant, they wanted me to have an abortion. I refused. Ever since my daughter was born, they have become doting grandparents. They want her to themselves as much as possible.
Abby, they treat me and my other children badly, and they get upset when I call it to their attention. Please help to convince them to treat the children equally and to be civil to me. -- ALMOST DAUGHTER-IN-LAW
DEAR ALMOST DAUGHTER-IN-LAW: Being an "almost" daughter-in-law is like being a "little bit" pregnant. Either you are or you aren't. Perhaps they are waiting until their son makes you part of the family before they feel comfortable treating you that way.
However, as disapproving as they may feel about your relationship with their son, they should be told that their obvious favoritism for their granddaughter is creating ill feelings among the other siblings. And they should curb it because it's unfair to her to be resented for something over which she has no control.
DEAR ABBY: I'm writing to relate our tragic story in the hope that other lives may be saved. Last May, our beautiful 2-year-old nephew drowned in the backyard pool. His parents were diligent about safety gates, locks and latches in their home. They had thought of everything the baby could possibly get into.
Tragically, they didn't think of one thing -- the pet door. While his mother was making homemade ice cream, he slipped through it and into the back yard. By the time she had raced through the house twice looking for him, it was too late.
This has been the most difficult thing our family has ever been through, and we will never get over it. I pray every day for his mother and father. The guilt and heartache they both feel are unimaginable.
Please, Abby, tell your readers that no matter how small a pet door is, a child may still be able to go through it. There didn't have to be a pool involved; he could have just as easily have gotten into the street and been hit by a car. -- AUNT PHYLLIS IN N.C.
DEAR AUNT PHYLLIS: My deepest sympathy to you and to the child's grieving parents for your tragic loss. Thank you for wanting to alert other parents of small children that if they have pet doors in areas where children can play, those doors should be secured or the little ones confined to another area. Constant adult supervision is imperative.
DEAR ABBY: My son is going to be baptized next month. His godparents will be flying in from another state for the ceremony. Is it proper to present them with a gift on behalf of my son? I would like to thank them in a special way for their commitment. -- CONFUSED MOM
DEAR CONFUSED MOM: Although it is not required, presenting them with a gift on behalf of your son would be a lovely gesture.
DEAR ABBY: I had a potluck party at my house seven weeks ago. A friend who was a guest at the party left her Crock-Pot at my house.
I have been waiting for her to call me to arrange a time for her to pick it up. She hasn't called. After the new year, she remarked, "So how long are you going to hold my Crock-Pot hostage?" I was too aghast to respond to her. Abby, how can I get her to pick up her Crock-Pot at my house? She lives 30 miles away. Is it my responsibility to drive 30 miles to return it? Or should she pick it up? -- CROCK-POT CONFUSED IN WASHINGTON STATE
DEAR CONFUSED: Why stand on ceremony? Make a lunch or dinner date with your friend and meet her halfway. She did you a favor by bringing food to your party, so pick up the phone and arrange to return her Crock-Pot. It would be a gracious gesture.
DEAR ABBY: May I comment on the letter from the woman who purchased an answering machine to monitor calls while her husband was terminally ill? It lifted the burden of responding immediately to callers, and the messages people left were a source of comfort and support to her husband.
Several years ago, my husband was in the hospital. In order to keep friends and family updated on his condition, I put a message on my answering machine. That way, they did not wonder how he was, and it saved me many repetitive phone calls. Everyone appreciated the message, which I updated frequently, and they did not hesitate to call because they knew they were not bothering me. -- MARIA BREMER, MC HENRY, ILL.
DEAR MARIA: Putting a message on the "greeting" tape of the answering machine makes great sense. Not only did it provide reassurance to worried friends and relatives concerned about the condition of a family member, it could also keep families informed during disasters such as earthquakes, floods, tornadoes, etc.
DEAR ABBY: In response to the letter from Carol Rushing in Omaha, concerning a fatal accident that involved a driver using a cell phone: I am a senior driver and senior accident investigator for SuperShuttle Phoenix, registered with the National Safety Council. When I teach drivers the DDC (Defensive Driving Course), I tell them they must not use a cell phone while driving, and to be doubly alert when approaching a driver who is using one. I tell them to treat those drivers almost the same way they would an intoxicated driver, because the person is not driving with 100 percent concentration. Many traffic problems are caused by cell phone users who swerve across lanes and cause near-collisions.
In some countries, drivers are ticketed if they do not pull over and park before using a cell phone -- and I hope this restriction will be adopted in the United States to establish better safety for everyone on our streets and highways. -- MELVYN RATTNER, SENIOR ACCIDENT INVESTIGATOR, PHOENIX
DEAR MELVYN: Your opinion as a safety professional is greatly appreciated. The majority of mail I received on this subject came from angry cell phone users who were outraged that I suggested the use of cell phones in automobiles should be regulated. Obviously, they are not aware of the degree to which distracted drivers jeopardize other motorists.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Housemate Is Happy to Be No More Than Just Friends
DEAR ABBY: I'm 51 and on SSI because I'm disabled. In order to have a roof over my head, I have shared housing. I left the last house-sharing situation because it was dangerous for my grandchildren to visit me. Then I moved in with "Mr. Blank."
Abby, this man treats me like a princess. I don't have to do anything I don't want to do. In fact, I could sleep all day if I want to. I love living here.
The problem is, Mr. Blank thinks he's in love with me and wants to tell his children that we are a couple. Abby, he's much older than I am, and I don't think I could ever love him the way he wants me to. (I quit looking for a love match years ago.) However, I would have no place to go if he became angry and asked me to move.
Mr. Blank reads your column every day, so please help me by printing my letter. Perhaps he will recognize himself and understand that I can't make a commitment to him, but I want to remain his friend. -- HAPPY HOUSEMATE
DEAR HAPPY HOUSEMATE: In case Mr. Blank does not recognize himself in my column, I suggest you set the record straight with him yourself. Tell him how much you love living there and how much you appreciate his kindness, but let him know that you are not looking for a commitment. Assure him that it's nothing personal, but you stopped looking for love a long time ago, and if you change your mind, he'll be the first to know. Good luck!
DEAR ABBY: I have a pet peeve: people who call me on the phone and expect me to recognize their voices. This is especially irritating when it involves business calls. One of our company's clients never identifies himself. He has a pleasant voice but it has no unique quality, and every time he calls I have to ask who is calling. It's embarrassing for me and I worry that it insults him. I don't want to lose a client, and I certainly don't want to tell him that his voice is so ordinary I simply cannot recognize it.
Isn't it a matter of courtesy when you call someone to announce your name and ask for the person with whom you would like to speak? -- CLUELESS IN MILWAUKEE
DEAR CLUELESS: I agree it is courteous to identify yourself when placing a call -- especially a business call. One way to eliminate embarrassment is by answering business calls with an introduction that pleasantly requests callers to identify themselves right off the bat. For example: "Good afternoon. Company ABC. Mary Smith speaking. Who's calling, please?"
DEAR ABBY: I just turned 18, and my divorced mother and her steady boyfriend recently broke up. Now she wants to double-date with me.
Abby, my mother is almost 40 years old, and I'll never be able to get a date if I must double-date with her. What can I do? Mom reads your column, and I'm hoping you will publish my letter so she'll see that double-dating with me is not a good idea. -- DAUGHTER IN A BIND
DEAR DAUGHTER: Your mother may be almost 40, but she has young ideas. Tell her you still need her to be a mother, not a "pal" -- that at your age it would inhibit you and your date. However, in another five or six years (when you're all closer to the same level of maturity), it might be more fun for all of you.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)