CONFIDENTIAL TO MY MUSLIM READERS: Happy Eid Al-Addah.
Student's Promise Ring Does Not Mean What Teacher Thinks
DEAR ABBY: Our daughter recently turned 14. When she was asked what she wanted for her birthday, she said, "A promise ring." My husband and I sat quietly as our hearts raced with fear of what was coming next. She slowly explained that promise rings are given to daughters by their fathers and a promise is made that the daughter will refrain from having sex until she is married. Years ago, the significance of a promise ring was different.
Needless to say, she got the promise ring for her birthday and has not taken it off since. Abby, I'm asking you to print this letter because when my daughter wore her ring to school the next day, she was ridiculed, degraded and insulted by her teacher for wearing it.
If the teacher had taken a moment to allow my daughter to share the experience with her, she would have thought the ring was a terrific idea. However, my daughter was not given the opportunity. All the students know the significance of promise rings. The teacher was the only one in the dark. Sometimes things aren't as they seem. -- PROUD MOTHER IN ILLINOIS
DEAR PROUD MOTHER: I agree the concept is terrific, because it allows parents and their daughters to discuss and reinforce their family values. If the teacher was guilty of making disparaging remarks about your daughter's ring, you should certainly make your feelings known to the teacher. The significance of the promise ring needs to be explained to this educator.
DEAR ABBY: I'm 27 and engaged to be married next year. "Hal" is honest, loving and compatible, and has all the qualities I've looked for in a man. He has helped me develop into a better and happier person. We've been together five years.
Abby, I'm having second thoughts about our upcoming wedding. I had very little previous dating experience, and I find myself attracted to other men, curious about being with other men sexually and wanting to date others. Yet I don't want to cheat on Hal, and I don't want to get married and then be overwhelmed with these feelings.
My friends and family love Hal and would think I'm a total idiot for the way I feel, so I can't confide in them. I'm also afraid that if I tell Hal my feelings, and postpone or call off the wedding, I could be making the gravest mistake of my life. Help! -- BEWILDERED IN BOSTON
DEAR BEWILDERED: Hal sounds like a wonderful man. However, if you want to date others, you are not ready to be married. I don't have a crystal ball to tell you whether he's the right man for you; only you can decide that. I urge you to have a frank discussion with your fiance about your doubts. You should marry no one until you are sure you want to spend the rest of your life with that individual.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Millennium Appears to Be Coming One Year Too Soon
DEAR ABBY: Something very troubling is going on. Everywhere I turn, people are saying that the new millennium starts one second after midnight Dec. 31, 1999. That just isn't true. The correct date is Jan. 1, 2001 -- NOT 2000!
Allow me to explain: There are 100 years in a century. The first century encompassed the years 1 through 100. The second century ran from 101 through 200, the third century from 201 through 300, etc. Get it?
Abby, please urge the media to put this information before the public. Someone once said it takes one small spark to start a prairie fire. Perhaps this one "spark" of information will ignite the candle of wisdom -- and shine some light on an important fact your readers need to know. –-"FATHER TIME" IN THE U.S.A.
DEAR FATHER TIME: I'm embarrassed to confess that I'm one of the guilty parties who referred to 1999 as the "final year of the century," so thank you for providing me an opportunity to set my readers straight. You are one voice in a chorus of individuals who want the public to be made aware that the year 2000 is the final year of the century, and the new millennium begins on Jan. 1, 2001.
I hate to be the one to say this, but you're swimming against a tidal wave. Although you are technically correct, when people see the first digit in the year change from a "1" to a "2," they can't help but think a new century has arrived.
DEAR ABBY: I know you receive thousands of letters, while selecting few for publication.
I am distressed that you saw fit to publish a letter that has anti-Semitic overtones. It pertained to the inquiry made by "Confused in Canada's Capital," regarding a person who used a death in the family for self-serving purposes to create an educational fund for his daughter, when he was "easily able to pay for his daughter's education." The writer then queried, "Is this a Jewish custom?"
Your response, "No, it's not a Jewish custom" could have easily been enclosed in an envelope and sent to the inquirer. To have exposed your millions of readers to a false stereotypic characterization of the Jew was an unfortunate error on your part. It was not simply an innocent request for information, and in my estimation you unwittingly became a "partner in crime" by publishing this nonsense.
The Jewish community is owed an apology. -- DR. STANLEY M. WAGNER, RABBI, DENVER
DEAR RABBI WAGNER: I am Jewish and I disagree. I give the overwhelming majority of my readers credit for not adhering to false stereotypes. The son-in-law's behavior wasn't typical of all Jewish people. To quote an old Yiddish proverb: "Every village has its village idiot" -- even ours. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Regarding the letter from "Confused in Canada" about the son-in-law who placed a solicitation for money for his daughter's education in his father-in-law's obituary: No, it's not a Jewish custom. It's a shanda (disgrace)! -- LOYAL READER IN PALM SPRINGS
DEAR LOYAL READER: Right. As I said in my original answer -- that letter was a first!
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Letters on Scrap Paper May Need Reading Between Lines
DEAR ABBY: Why in the world does "Sick of Scraps" care what kind of paper her friend uses to correspond with her? Does she share her mail and is somehow embarrassed? I don't get it. In this age of faxes, cell phones and e-mail, "Sick of Scraps" should be tickled pink she's receiving letters.
Perhaps her friend's finances have not kept pace with inflation.
Does "I love you" mean any less if it is written on the back of an old memo or newsletter? On a more pragmatic level, using scraps of paper helps the planet by recycling paper. The amount of usable paper we throw out every day borders on obscene. –- PAULINE H.G. GETZ, ATTORNEY, SAN DIEGO
DEAR PAULINE: It occurred to me that the friend might have been using "memo pads, odd pieces of paper or whatever appeared to be available" for economic reasons. That's why I suggested that "Sick of Scraps" send her friend a box of stationery. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: "Sick of Scraps" seems to be more interested in pretty paper than she is in her "cherished friendship." Personally, if my friend wrote letters to me on scraps, I'd be more concerned for her financial needs. After all, they're both in their 70s and are most likely retired. Has it even occurred to "Sick of Scraps" that her friend might not wish to burden her with such information?
Your response to send a box of stationery didn't even address that woman's rudeness to her friend. Your suggestion bothered me because there have been times when I couldn't afford even cheap stationery, but I still wanted to be in touch with my dear friends. True friends don't judge the book by its cover (or the letter by its paper). Didn't you notice how petty her complaint was?
I'm only 43, but I'm thankful for my cherished friends and whatever way they choose to stay in touch. -– JONI KELLY, NOLANVILLE, TEXAS
DEAR JONI: The woman wasn't rude to her friend. She addressed her concerns to me. And as to whether I noticed that her values might be skewed in the wrong direction, I advised her that a 36-year friendship should be more important to her than the kind of paper (stationery) that sustained it across the distance.
I agree, true friends don't judge a book by its cover -– or the letter by the paper on which it is written. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: The letter from "Sick of Scraps" reminded me of how the correspondence between my mother and her sister deteriorated as they both sank deep into dementia.
Relatives of the elderly would do well to read "The 36-Hour Day" (Johns Hopkins University Press). It's an excellent treatise on dementia. –- KIRBY A. WILLIAMS, MARTINEZ, CALIF.
DEAR KIRBY: Thank you for your succinct and thought-provoking note. It hadn't occurred to me that either of the women might be suffering from mental impairment. Now that you have pointed it out, I agree it's worth considering since the woman's behavior changed abruptly four years ago.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)