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Letters on Scrap Paper May Need Reading Between Lines
DEAR ABBY: Why in the world does "Sick of Scraps" care what kind of paper her friend uses to correspond with her? Does she share her mail and is somehow embarrassed? I don't get it. In this age of faxes, cell phones and e-mail, "Sick of Scraps" should be tickled pink she's receiving letters.
Perhaps her friend's finances have not kept pace with inflation.
Does "I love you" mean any less if it is written on the back of an old memo or newsletter? On a more pragmatic level, using scraps of paper helps the planet by recycling paper. The amount of usable paper we throw out every day borders on obscene. –- PAULINE H.G. GETZ, ATTORNEY, SAN DIEGO
DEAR PAULINE: It occurred to me that the friend might have been using "memo pads, odd pieces of paper or whatever appeared to be available" for economic reasons. That's why I suggested that "Sick of Scraps" send her friend a box of stationery. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: "Sick of Scraps" seems to be more interested in pretty paper than she is in her "cherished friendship." Personally, if my friend wrote letters to me on scraps, I'd be more concerned for her financial needs. After all, they're both in their 70s and are most likely retired. Has it even occurred to "Sick of Scraps" that her friend might not wish to burden her with such information?
Your response to send a box of stationery didn't even address that woman's rudeness to her friend. Your suggestion bothered me because there have been times when I couldn't afford even cheap stationery, but I still wanted to be in touch with my dear friends. True friends don't judge the book by its cover (or the letter by its paper). Didn't you notice how petty her complaint was?
I'm only 43, but I'm thankful for my cherished friends and whatever way they choose to stay in touch. -– JONI KELLY, NOLANVILLE, TEXAS
DEAR JONI: The woman wasn't rude to her friend. She addressed her concerns to me. And as to whether I noticed that her values might be skewed in the wrong direction, I advised her that a 36-year friendship should be more important to her than the kind of paper (stationery) that sustained it across the distance.
I agree, true friends don't judge a book by its cover -– or the letter by the paper on which it is written. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: The letter from "Sick of Scraps" reminded me of how the correspondence between my mother and her sister deteriorated as they both sank deep into dementia.
Relatives of the elderly would do well to read "The 36-Hour Day" (Johns Hopkins University Press). It's an excellent treatise on dementia. –- KIRBY A. WILLIAMS, MARTINEZ, CALIF.
DEAR KIRBY: Thank you for your succinct and thought-provoking note. It hadn't occurred to me that either of the women might be suffering from mental impairment. Now that you have pointed it out, I agree it's worth considering since the woman's behavior changed abruptly four years ago.
Scrap Paper Correspondent Saves Money and the Earth
DEAR ABBY: My message to "Sick of Scraps," the woman who wrote you to complain about receiving letters from her longtime friend, "Ellen," on odd pieces of paper is: Guess what! Your friend Ellen has become a "green senior" -– an older environmentalist. By recycling odd pieces of paper, she's doing her part to conserve forests and her own resources. Go through your junk mail, select a letter with a clean side, and write her back! -- ANOTHER GREEN SENIOR, HELENA, MONT.
DEAR GREEN SENIOR: The responses to "Sick of Scraps'" letter have been varied and interesting. Some readers thought she was petty and mean-spirited. Others read more into it. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: "Sick of Scraps" said she and her friend were both in their 70s, and it really struck a chord with me, as I, too, am in my 70s.
I can identify with "Ellen." We were Depression babies, and if she was raised as I was, we were taught to "waste not, want not." I, too, use odds and ends of paper to write notes –- even though I have pretty stationery. I recycle wrapping paper, pressing it with an iron to use it again. (My children and grandchildren tease me about it.) I also drape paper towels on a rack to reuse if they've been used only to wipe up water.
Like so many people, we were very poor during those years, and the lessons learned then I shall take to my grave. One of the things that really bothers me today is the waste, not only of materials, but of food.
I'm always delighted to hear from a friend, regardless of what the message is written on. "Sick of Scraps" is fortunate to have had such a cherished friendship for 36 years. -– "NANNY" FROM NEWPORT NEWS, VA.
DEAR NANNY: I applaud your sense of priorities, not only about the value of friendship but also the importance of preserving your assets. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: As the publisher of a frugality newsletter, I see a lot of scrap-paper correspondence. For most who do this, it's a harmless little penny-pinching habit, but for others, it is a signal that all is not well either mentally or financially. I'd recommend that your reader gently comment on her friend's scrap-paper letters and see what kind of response she receives.
Intense frugality at this stage of life may signal several distressing possibilities: The woman may have real financial problems or imagined fears of outliving her money. Either situation could cause an obsessive type of scrimping. Or, if this is an abrupt change in personality -– apparently she has enjoyed nice stationery in the past -– it may be a warning sign of a mental deterioration that should be investigated.
Thrift is certainly commendable and we encourage it, but its sudden appearance in an extreme form in someone of this age needs further looking into. –- EDITH FLOWERS KILGO, "CREATIVE DOWNSCALING," JONESBORO, GA.
DEAR EDITH: Thank you for pointing this out, and also for the suggestion that Ellen's friend "gently comment" about the scrap-paper letters to see how her friend responds. It certainly couldn't hurt. You have added some valuable insight.
READERS: Stay tuned; more on this subject tomorrow.
Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Booklets, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)
Sports Fan's Wife Wants Timeout for Personal Foul
DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Bob," is high-strung. Even my mother-in-law forewarned me about his rowdy, rough-and-tumble behavior. Bob is a sports nut whose favorite athletic activities are football, hockey and pro-wrestling.
Bob gets excited over any sport, and usually I can, too -– especially hockey. What I don't like is his need to "act out" the rough stuff he's previously viewed on television. For some reason that only he can understand, Bob seems to enjoy coming after me, scooping me up by my limbs and pinning me to the wall or the floor. I have repeatedly asked him to stop during the six years we have been married, but to no avail.
Some nights before we go to sleep he gets so restless and into what he calls "playing" that I have to literally defend myself against his sparring, poking and jabbing. Recently I have had to kick, scratch and bite him just to get him to stop. Even our beloved cat runs away from him.
Abby, please don't suggest counseling. I'm willing to go, but I know Bob won't. He'd say nothing is wrong, and in the presence of others, deny everything. He's polite around other people, but when we're alone, he's suddenly crude and obnoxious. It's as if it's something he's proud of.
Except for his obviously boorish, abusive behavior, everything else is fine. Is there a constructive way to get Bob to stop his rough "playing," or is it time to call this marriage quits? -- NOT A CRASH-TEST DUMMY IN WASHINGTON
DEAR NOT A DUMMY: Wake up. Your husband's behavior is not "high-strung"; it's physically abusive and sadistic, and it could cause you a serious injury. For your own safety you must draw the line. Something is wrong with Bob. It's all right to be a sports fan, but what he's doing is not normal behavior.
Although you don't want to hear this, I think counseling would do you a world of good. If Bob refuses to go, go without him. It will give you valuable insight not only into why he's behaving the way he does, but also why you have tolerated this for six years. Please don't delay. And you'd be wise to consider separating until Bob is willing to modify his behavior.
DEAR ABBY: "Waiting in Arlington, Texas," works in a hospital and has a crush on a repair man. She said she wrote him a note but he didn't respond, so she summoned the courage to hand him a second note. When he failed to acknowledge it, she asked him if he had read it. His reply: "Nice penmanship."
She asked you what she should do to get a more direct response, and you advised her that she'd already received a response –- he wasn't interested.
Abby, you may not have considered all of the possibilities. For example, the man may not be able to read the note. The response he gave was certainly evasive –- but was he trying to avoid giving her a straight answer or the fact that he's illiterate? There may be more to this than a simple rejection. -– MYSTIFIED IN MISSOURI
DEAR MYSTIFIED: It's true that some people who are illiterate are so ashamed of it that they will do almost anything to hide it. However, "Waiting" also disclosed that, "Rumor has it that he's seeing someone." Therefore, it's also possible that the man felt his personal life was none of her business.
However, since every player is entitled to three strikes, I'm printing your letter. If "Waiting" sees it, I'm sure she'll step up to the plate again.
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