Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Booklets, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)
WOMAN CREATES BRIGHT FUTURE TO COVER DARK, UNHAPPY PAST
DEAR ABBY: When I read the letter from "Repented in Oregon," I had to write. When I was a teen-ager in a small town, I, too, was promiscuous -- and for basically the same reasons. I wanted attention, and believe me, I got it! It was the wrong kind of attention, and every boyfriend I had left me.
Later in life, I grew accustomed to short-lived romances, and I dumped every love I had before he could dump me. Your advice to relocate was sad, but it was right on. I moved away, changed my name, and moved on with my life. Life hasn't always been easy, but nothing worthwhile ever is.
I have been happily married for 10 years and have two wonderful children. My husband knows all about my rocky past, for we have no secrets between us. I'm active in the school's PTO and am working on my bachelor's degree. I now have love and, finally, respect!
I wish "Repented" the best of luck. It does get better, life does go on, and she will be happy. -- DEEP IN THE HEART OF TEXAS
DEAR DEEP: You have obviously done a lot of work on your emotional self, and for that I congratulate you. In order to be respected, a person must understand and respect one's self. It's sometimes a painful journey -- but it is always worth it. Read on for a letter that illustrates my point:
DEAR ABBY: "Repented in Oregon" has walked in my shoes. I married a young man from my hometown who found out about my past after we were married and had children. It's now 17 years later. We're still married, but he doesn't treat me the same as before he found out. He's not abusive, but he's also not as loving and caring as he was before. That has been painful.
My children now attend school with the children of the people I went to school with, plus all the parents who heard about me through the grapevine. The whispers never stop. I see people looking at me, then looking away. My biggest fear is that my children will find out. I don't volunteer anymore or go to many of my kids' school functions, hoping it will keep the whispers from reaching my children.
Abby, people don't forget or forgive and move on. They still see you as you were when you were a teen-ager. Please urge "Repented" to move and start over. If I'd done it, I would be a much happier person today, and not so paranoid about who I'll run into at the Little League field or at a school function.
Parents: Talk to your kids. Be involved with them and keep an open mind. If my parents had been there for me, I know I would have been a different person. -- IN ENDLESS PAIN, ORLANDO, FLA.
DEAR IN ENDLESS PAIN: I have received a barrage of letters from readers who felt I should have advised "Repented" to stay where she was -- and over time, "show" her community by her example that she has changed. Your letter is a poignant illustration that it doesn't always work -- and for that, you have my sympathy.
There is no reason why the ugly gossip of small-minded people should force you to hide or refrain from being active in your community. I may sound like a broken record, but counseling can help you rebuild your self-esteem. People have reasons that drive them to do what they do. They sometimes look for love in self-destructive ways. You don't deserve the treatment you're receiving, but before you can expect the community to forgive you, you must first forgive yourself.
LEAVING TOWN IS WRONG WAY TO POLISH SMUDGED REPUTATION
DEAR ABBY: I have never written a letter to a column in my entire life, but I was infuriated over the answer you gave "Repented in Oregon" about her tarnished reputation. (I'm assuming it must be a female because males don't get bad reputations for promiscuity.)
I was once a "tarnished teen" with low self-esteem. I find it ridiculous that you'd say it would be more effective to start over elsewhere. Isn't that considered running away from your problems? I didn't need to move to a new location to get the respect I now have and deserve.
Not that it was an easy road. It took a long time to learn to love and respect myself. My advice to "Repented" would be, "Believe in yourself." -- AVID READER
DEAR AVID READER: It will please you to know that I have been bombarded with mail from readers who disagreed with my answer. Many said that since the girl has repented, the matter is now between her and God, and she should hold her head up with pride and ride it out. Read on for a letter that shows particular insight:
DEAR ABBY: Your reply to "Repented" was sexist and old-fashioned. The reality is that none of us would like to be judged by what we did when we were younger. All of us have done things that we regret, but our lives go on. Those who condemn us for our past actions are not behaving with compassion and should be ignored.
George Sand said, "There are no more thorough prudes than those who have some little secret to hide." I know this to be true. After I was raped, I was promiscuous for a year. I refused to acknowledge what had happened to me or what I was doing to myself. After I married, I began acting like a prude, judging others, spreading malicious gossip and acting the part of a chaste woman. But deep down I hated myself.
I finally went into therapy. Although I'm not proud of what I did all those years ago, I understand now that I was surviving the only way I knew how. I now feel more regret for how I treated others when I gossiped and judged than about my past promiscuous behavior. I'm a different person than I was years ago; I feel compassion for others. I'm finally free of self-loathing.
Your advice sounded like "Repented" should feel shame for her past. Our society holds women by a different standard than men. I find it hard to believe she's the only person in that community who has done something she regrets. If people treat her badly, she should remember that it says more about who they are than who she is. -- FORGAVE MYSELF, GREAT FALLS, MONT.
DEAR FORGAVE MYSELF: If my advice sounded like "Repented" should feel shame for her past, it was not intentional. She has my sympathy. If she wishes to remain where she is -- and people can see that she has changed her lifestyle -- she may eventually rebuild her reputation. But it will take a long time, and she said that she is now practically friendless.
I thought she was asking how to start over. That is why I told her that starting over in a new location would be easier, faster and probably more effective.
Readers, I'll print more on this subject tomorrow.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Grandma Is Willing but Unable to Baby Sit Infant Daughter
DEAR ABBY: My problem concerns my dear mother-in-law. She wants to baby-sit my infant daughter after I return to work. "Grandma" is 80. She's deaf and frequently does not wear her hearing aid. She is physically frail, confused and forgetful. Needless to say, my husband and I are uncomfortable with the idea of her baby sitting.
She used to baby-sit our two older children, but we stopped asking her last year because we were concerned about her ability to keep track of two active youngsters.
Abby, I cannot stand the thought of telling her, "We don't want you to take care of the baby because we think you're too old to do a good job of it." It would break her heart. She does not see herself as incompetent because she still lives alone. Every time I see her she asks if she can watch the baby, and I just smile and shrug and say, "We're not sure what we're going to do with her once I go back to work."
Is there some nice way I can tell her the truth? Or should I make up some plausible story to avoid hurting her feelings? I love her dearly and don't want to hurt her, but my concerns about my baby's safety are valid. -- UNCERTAIN IN FLORIDA
DEAR UNCERTAIN: The baby's welfare must come first. Without making an issue of it, make other plans for child care. Be diplomatic when discussing them with your mother-in-law because she's only trying to be helpful, but remind her that a newborn requires physical stamina to deal with on a daily basis, and you have hired outside help to aid you in raising your three little bundles of boundless energy.
DEAR ABBY: I'd like to thank you for the help you've provided to caregivers throughout the years. Regarding "Still in Shock in Illinois," there are some other precautions families can take to ensure the proper care of their loved ones with regard to hiring home-care aides:
If possible, your loved one should receive care through a licensed home health-care agency or registry. Find out what kind of insurance they carry. Find out what procedures they use for background checks. Check all references yourself. Is someone available to assist you and your loved ones after-hours or in an emergency? Assess what level of care your loved one requires. Does the aide have the skills necessary for the job?
Do not let an aide have access to checking accounts. If money is needed for expenses, give them only what is necessary and always get receipts. And as "Still in Shock" rightfully recommended in her letter, vary the times of your visits and ask other relatives and friends to stop by as often as possible.
Above all: Trust your own instincts! If you feel that something is not right -- it probably isn't. -- GARY BARG, PUBLISHER, TODAY'S CAREGIVER MAGAZINE, FORT LAUDERDALE, FLA.
DEAR GARY: Thank you for the helpful suggestions. Providing care for frail loved ones takes time, patience, sensitivity and effort. Even those who shoulder the entire responsibility need to acknowledge the fact that respite is necessary on a regular basis. For families who are able to afford professional help, the suggestions you have offered will give some guidance through the sometimes confusing process of selecting the right caregiver.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)