Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Booklets, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)
Battle Lines Sometimes Hard to Draw in War Against Drugs
DEAR ABBY: I'm responding to the letter in your column from our federal drug czar, Barry R. McCaffrey. The general is not an M.D. or social worker, and isn't qualified to speak on the drug problem. None of what he suggests will prevent drug abuse. Furthermore, he recently made himself look foolish with his inaccurate statement that Holland has a higher crime rate than the United States due to Holland's liberal drug policies. In fact, Holland has a much lower crime rate and a lower rate of drug abuse than the U.S. Obviously, Holland's moderate approach works far better than our draconian criminal approach.
The United States should follow Holland's good example and make a distinction between marijuana and hard drugs. The alleged dangers of marijuana have been absurdly exaggerated. There is a growing mountain of hard scientific evidence that marijuana is not harmful unless used in very large doses. By lying about the dangers of marijuana, we cast doubt on the warnings about truly dangerous cocaine, LSD, heroin and designer drugs.
We shouldn't ruin the lives of young people -- or anyone else -- by jailing them for smoking marijuana, nor should sick people be denied medical marijuana.
I have read your columns for 25 years, Abby. You have good sense. I hope you'll seriously consider that prohibition is not preventing abuse or addiction, but is instead greatly worsening the drug situation. Prohibition didn't work with alcohol, and is an even bigger failure with marijuana. -- STEVE J. WILCOTT, SAN FRANCISCO
DEAR STEVE: I agree that marijuana laws are overdue for an overhaul. I also favor the medical use of marijuana -- if it's prescribed by a physician. I cannot understand why the federal government should interfere with the doctor-patient relationship, nor why it would ignore the will of a majority of voters who have legally approved such legislation.
However, regardless of whether Gen. McCaffrey is right or wrong about the crime rate in Holland, I'm staunchly behind his effort to initiate dialogue between concerned parents and children about drugs. Honest dialogue is essential. Parents must level with their children about which drugs are dangerous and which are not, or they'll lose their credibility and be disregarded. This is especially important at a time when drug dealers offer an array of new designer drugs -- some virtually undetectable, and some of which can be fatal.
An excellent book on the subject of marijuana is "Marijuana Myths, Marijuana Facts" by Lynn Zimmer, Ph.D., and John P. Morgan, M.D., published by the Lindesmith Center in New York. It can be ordered through Bookworld Cos. by calling (800) 444-2524. The cost is $12.95 per book, plus $3.95 per book shipping and handling. When ordering, please provide the following ISBN number: 0-9641568-4-9.
CONFIDENTIAL TO MY READERS: Debtors Anonymous has moved. The new address is P.O. Box 888, Needham, Mass. 02492-0009. The Web address is: www.debtorsanonymous.org.
Wife Has Reason to Suspect Husband's Change in Routine
DEAR ABBY: I must disagree with your advice to "Miserable in Indiana" to improve her self-esteem, get into shape and seek counseling for her irrational jealousy. Abby, here's a woman whose husband is suddenly going to work early, paying more attention to his appearance, ignoring his wife's requests for more attention and better sex, and offering no explanation for his sudden change in routine. She has every reason to be suspicious.
If he isn't having an affair, he most certainly is flirting with the notion. Being a good father and a monetary provider doesn't mean that he is "taking care of business" at home.
You missed the boat, Abby. Her accusations aren't "pushing him away." He has already left. -- BEEN THERE IN L.A.
DEAR BEEN THERE: How damning you make the "evidence" appear. Read on for another view:
DEAR ABBY: In your reply to the woman who was worried about her husband going to work early and dressing well for a factory job, you missed one possible explanation.
He may be trying for a promotion! If he's the type of person who would want to keep his quest a secret until he had results, that could explain his change in behavior and his unwillingness to talk about it. -- J.H. IN BATAVIA, ILL.
DEAR J.H.: You're right; that's a possibility I didn't consider. It's also possible that the man may have been "counseled" on the job about sloppy appearance or body odor -- and that's why he is making a special effort to shape up.
The wife stated that her self-esteem is "on the low side," that she has gained weight and she's "feeling old." Therefore, I urged her to have a medical checkup, get back into shape, and seek joint counseling to help her overcome her jealousy -- and perhaps improve their sex life. Surely that's a more positive direction to take than saying, "Lookin' good for her, huh?" daily as her husband leaves for work. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: "Miserable" said her husband brought home a steady paycheck and was raising her three sons by other marriages.
I, too, am harassed by a jealous wife. Unfortunately, her jealousy extends into my relationship with family and friends.
Like "Miserable," my wife would probably say our sex life is "so-so" (or even worse). She also told me our infrequent sex makes her feel fat, old and unattractive.
However, her physical appearance has nothing to do with her lack of appeal. It's the constant jealousy and lack of trust that pushes me away. Her compulsion to ensure that I have no relationship with anyone but her has tainted our marriage. I wish she understood that trust in me would be the best cure for a sour relationship.
I need interaction with others so I can better my relationship with her. How can I make her understand that this marriage will dissolve if she doesn't change her attitude? -- TRAPPED AND UNHAPPY IN NEW MEXICO
DEAR TRAPPED AND UNHAPPY: A good relationship is built on love, trust and commitment. Without those ingredients, no marriage can survive. Jealous people are generally insecure. They attribute great power to others because they feel powerless themselves. Your wife would benefit from therapy to understand and overcome those feelings -- but she'll need your help to achieve success.
Everybody has a problem. What's yours? Get it off your chest by writing to Dear Abby, P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, Calif. 90069. For a personal reply, please enclose a stamped, self-addressed envelope.
Mom's Faithful Child Support Is Met Indifferently by Her Kids
DEAR ABBY: I found your response to the twins whose divorced father would not continue child support payments or pay for higher education to be factually accurate, but a bit narrow in its vision.
My wife left her home state 10 years ago for a much better job. After a child custody battle that almost bankrupted her, she was forced to leave her 8-year-old son and 6-year-old daughter with her ex-husband. Despite a court order, her son refused to fly up to see her after the first few visits and was rarely available when she flew there. Football, basketball, friends -- all held more importance than his mother. Despite her never missing a holiday gift, I can count on one hand the number of phone calls or thank-yous she has received. Care to guess how many times they forgot her birthday?
When it came time for him to choose a college, my wife offered to assist with tuition if he considered an Ivy League school or the school from which she and her former husband graduated. She was chastised for trying to "force" him to attend a college he did not wish to.
Perhaps the twins should examine how they treated their father while the child support was paid consistently every month. Sounds like Dad held up his end. Maybe they should examine whether theirs was held up equally well.
By the way, do you remember that classic letter you answered many years ago with, "How old will you be in four years if you don't?" Thanks to that answer, my wife graduated from medical school three years ago at the age of 42, and she hasn't regretted ANY of her decisions since she decided to get divorced. She's one smart lady, and I'm immensely proud of her. -- BEEN THERE, DONE THAT
DEAR BEEN THERE, DONE THAT: Please extend my belated congratulations to your wife. Your pride in her achievements is more than justified. It's sad that her son missed out on knowing his mother better, because she's a remarkably accomplished woman. He would have been enriched had the relationship been encouraged, and I don't mean monetarily.
DEAR ABBY: I fully agree with your response to the young man who felt his father should continue to pay child support while he and his twin brother were in college. If this "adult" was so concerned about his mother having to work two jobs so he could go to college, he should take responsibility for his own education.
Your suggestion to take fewer hours of classes and get a part-time job was excellent. May I offer another route? JOIN THE MILITARY. They're always hiring. Not only do you get excellent training and a paycheck, you can get up to $40,000 for college. Also, while you're on active duty, the service you choose will pay 75 percent of the tuition cost for every class you take.
I am in the Air Force and took advantage of the education benefits and went to night school. Through different programs, I was able to get a bachelor of science degree for less than $2,000 out of my own pocket. Plus, that young man's mother will be so proud to see her son in uniform doing something for himself instead of depending on her. -- PROUD TO SERVE, NAVARRE, FLA.
P.S. By the way, Abby, I am NOT a recruiter for the Air Force.
DEAR PROUD: You may not be an Air Force recruiter, but I'm willing to bet your letter will result in more than a few inquiries, if not enlistments. Thank you for the reminder that the armed forces offer educational benefits to their members.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)