For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
New Wife Cannot Understand Husband's Generosity to His Ex
DEAR ABBY: Three years ago, I married "Earl," a man with two children. We had both been single parents for years. Earl divorced in 1982. I divorced in 1987. I have four children. Only one is still living at home, and he's in college.
Abby, every Christmas since his divorce, Earl has given his children money to buy their mother a present. I assumed he had discontinued this after we married. However, this year I discovered that Earl gave them a blank check to buy something for their mother. (Her gift wound up costing $215.)
Earl insists he's teaching them an important lesson about Christmas and giving. Abby, his children don't have to pay for college, gas, clothing, food or car insurance. They each drive a sport utility vehicle.
I don't understand the lesson he's trying to teach them, and he seems unable to explain it to me. Can you? -- HURT IN KANSAS
DEAR HURT: Old traditions die hard. Your husband has probably always "slipped" his children money to buy their mother a Christmas present. He apparently can afford it. Perhaps on some level he feels guilty about the breakup of the marriage -- or he simply may want to stay in her good graces. If he's taking good care of you, don't make an issue of it.
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I recently left our 2-year-old daughter with my mother-in-law while we went shopping. When we returned, we reclaimed our daughter and went home.
After we arrived, I noticed my mother-in-law had cut my daughter's bangs. I have been growing her bangs since she had hair, and I intended for her hair to be all one length without bangs. (I kept her hair pulled back deliberately while it was growing out.)
Abby, I am furious. I feel that as her mother I have a right to choose my daughter's hairstyle without outside interference. My husband agrees with me, but he is unwilling to speak to his mother. He says that I can "chew her out" at my peril. How should I handle this? -- EXASPERATED IN INDIANA
DEAR EXASPERATED: The nicest thing about hair is that it grows constantly. The damage isn't permanent. I agree that your mother-in-law should not have cut your daughter's bangs without your permission, but it's not worth a scene.
To prevent it from happening again, tell your mother-in-law that you're trying to grow your daughter's hair to one length, so please refrain from trimming it.
DEAR ABBY: I want to thank you for a wonderful gift you gave me. Let me explain:
When I was a small child, my father would insist that my twin sister and I read aloud to him. He'd sit us on his lap at the dining room table, and we'd each take turns reading your column aloud to him. That special time with my father was a very precious gift.
Abby, Dad is now terminally ill and doesn't have the promise of tomorrow. Your columns presented us with a golden opportunity to spend time with our father, and for that I thank you. Sign me ... BLESSED AND LOVES TO READ, LAKELAND, FLA.
DEAR BLESSED: I am touched by the use to which your father put my column, and impressed that at this difficult time you are dwelling on the happiness you shared with him. Thank you for the compliment.
Mother Is Tempted to Tattle on Daughter's Married Lover
DEAR ABBY: My 21-year-old daughter, "Cammie," has been seeing a 24-year-old married man for three years. They met at work, and after only a few months became lovers. He was still in college and had been married only a year.
He told Cammie he was going to treat his wife indifferently so she'd leave him. He just couldn't be the bad guy. He's an only child and depends on his parents for support. He's afraid of their reaction to a divorce, financially and emotionally.
He promised Cammie he'd move out after his wife graduated from college. Then he said he'd leave after he graduated. Then he said after he gets out of debt and after he gets a job. Well, he moved all right -- into a bigger apartment with his wife after she got pregnant.
Cammie found out about the pregnancy after I saw his wife's name in a newspaper ad for the gift registry of a local baby store. I called and confirmed the information and was told her due date is just two weeks away. This man had kept the pregnancy a secret the entire time. Cammie was going to end the affair, but relented when he cried on her shoulder about not wanting children yet, and what a nightmare this is.
Abby, his disregard for my daughter's feelings and future are astounding. It's tearing my heart out. I want Cammie to find a soul mate and build a life, not live like a prisoner, waiting to see a married man a couple of hours a week. If this affair was revealed to the wife or his parents, he'd be forced to be honest. Should I tell? -- OUTRAGED MOTHER IN OREGON
DEAR MOTHER: It's tempting to meddle, but your daughter is an adult, so I'd advise against it. Although you and I know she's wasting her time buying what this super-salesman is selling, some people have to learn the hard way, as the next letter reveals. It arrived in the same batch as yours. Perhaps reading it will help her see the light. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Maybe my experience will keep other hearts from being broken as mine was. I was involved with a married man. He swore he and his wife were breaking up; it was taking so long only because of the children. How could I have been so stupid?
It happened two years ago, but only now am I seeing clearly. Now I'm finally able to talk about it. I'm shocked how similar my experience has been to that of other women.
These men all say practically the same thing: "You make me feel alive again." (I now realize that how you feel about yourself comes from within.) "I can talk to you and you really listen." (I didn't have three small children underfoot demanding my attention.) "My wife and I have a lousy sex life." (Some even claim it's nonexistent, but their wives seem to get pregnant anyway. Immaculate conception, perhaps?)
Take it from me, ladies, what your married lover is telling you is what they all say -- and what he'll no doubt tell the next gullible woman who comes along. I was a fool. I feel guilt and sadness for the pain my actions caused my ex-lover's wife when she found out about our affair. I can only offer my heartfelt apology.
To those of you who are having affairs -- please learn from my mistakes. The pleasure is dwarfed in comparison to the pain that's inflicted on so many people. It's just not worth it. -- EX-MISTRESS IN MASSACHUSETTS
DEAR EX-MISTRESS: Affairs with unavailable people fail far more often than they succeed, and the damage they cause will far outlive the romance. Your letter is a wake-up call. I hope others will heed it.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Woman in Need of Medical Care Was Saved by a Bark
DEAR ABBY: When I read the letter about the importance of keeping one's medical information readily available in case of an emergency, I was reminded of an incident that happened to me.
My name is Maxine, and one of my dogs is named Maxwell. We both answer to the name of "Max."
I am a diabetic and have had several kidney stones removed. One night I awoke in terrible pain but was unable to get up and call someone. Both of my dogs knew something was wrong. My collie went to the front window and barked incessantly, until the neighbor across the street woke up and realized something was wrong because I never let the dogs bark without getting up to see what they are barking at. My little dog, "Max," climbed up on the bed and licked the cold sweat off my arms.
My neighbor called my daughter and told her something must be wrong because my dog was barking for so long. My daughter arrived within 15 minutes. She found me unconscious and called an ambulance. The technician asked her if I was taking any medication and she said yes -- that it was on the kitchen counter. He rushed to the kitchen, grabbed the small bottles, put them in a plastic bag, and away we raced to the hospital.
About a half-hour later, the technician came out with a big grin on his face and told her he didn't think it was her mother's medicine. The label read: "For Max, for scratching his back and biting his tail."
We have laughed about it ever since, but I now wear a diabetic bracelet with all the information on it. My doctor told me later I was lucky because the dogs probably saved my life. If I hadn't had immediate attention, I could have died of uremic poisoning. I learned the hard way to have everything written down, to carry the information in my wallet, and also to post it on the refrigerator. -- MAXINE L. VAN TORNHOUT, ST. PETERSBURG, FLA.
DEAR "MAX" and "MAX" (I'm all maxed out here): I'm pleased your story had a happy ending, and that you're still around to pamper and praise your canine heroes. As amusing as the story is, it's a graphic reminder that medical information should be kept readily available, because the need for it can strike with little or no warning.
DEAR ABBY: I'm confused about the answers to the following questions, and hope you'll supply me with the correct answers.
When a man and woman have become divorced:
1. Are his and her brothers and sisters still his and her brothers-in-law and sisters-in-law?
2. Are his and her parents still his and her mother-in-law and father-in-law?
3. Are his and her parents still their children's grandparents?
4. Are his siblings' children still her nieces and nephews?
5. Are his or her siblings' children still cousins to his or her children?� 6. Are his and her brothers and sisters still the divorced man's and woman's children's aunts and uncles? -- FRANCES B., RICHMOND, VA.
DEAR FRANCES B.: After divorce, the "in-laws" become "ex" in-laws, but the blood relationships remain. Therefore, the grandparents are still grandparents, the aunts and uncles are still aunts and uncles, and the children are still cousins.
Everybody has a problem. What's yours? Get it off your chest by writing to Dear Abby, P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, Calif. 90069. For a personal reply, please enclose a stamped, self-addressed envelope.