For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Mother Is Tempted to Tattle on Daughter's Married Lover
DEAR ABBY: My 21-year-old daughter, "Cammie," has been seeing a 24-year-old married man for three years. They met at work, and after only a few months became lovers. He was still in college and had been married only a year.
He told Cammie he was going to treat his wife indifferently so she'd leave him. He just couldn't be the bad guy. He's an only child and depends on his parents for support. He's afraid of their reaction to a divorce, financially and emotionally.
He promised Cammie he'd move out after his wife graduated from college. Then he said he'd leave after he graduated. Then he said after he gets out of debt and after he gets a job. Well, he moved all right -- into a bigger apartment with his wife after she got pregnant.
Cammie found out about the pregnancy after I saw his wife's name in a newspaper ad for the gift registry of a local baby store. I called and confirmed the information and was told her due date is just two weeks away. This man had kept the pregnancy a secret the entire time. Cammie was going to end the affair, but relented when he cried on her shoulder about not wanting children yet, and what a nightmare this is.
Abby, his disregard for my daughter's feelings and future are astounding. It's tearing my heart out. I want Cammie to find a soul mate and build a life, not live like a prisoner, waiting to see a married man a couple of hours a week. If this affair was revealed to the wife or his parents, he'd be forced to be honest. Should I tell? -- OUTRAGED MOTHER IN OREGON
DEAR MOTHER: It's tempting to meddle, but your daughter is an adult, so I'd advise against it. Although you and I know she's wasting her time buying what this super-salesman is selling, some people have to learn the hard way, as the next letter reveals. It arrived in the same batch as yours. Perhaps reading it will help her see the light. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Maybe my experience will keep other hearts from being broken as mine was. I was involved with a married man. He swore he and his wife were breaking up; it was taking so long only because of the children. How could I have been so stupid?
It happened two years ago, but only now am I seeing clearly. Now I'm finally able to talk about it. I'm shocked how similar my experience has been to that of other women.
These men all say practically the same thing: "You make me feel alive again." (I now realize that how you feel about yourself comes from within.) "I can talk to you and you really listen." (I didn't have three small children underfoot demanding my attention.) "My wife and I have a lousy sex life." (Some even claim it's nonexistent, but their wives seem to get pregnant anyway. Immaculate conception, perhaps?)
Take it from me, ladies, what your married lover is telling you is what they all say -- and what he'll no doubt tell the next gullible woman who comes along. I was a fool. I feel guilt and sadness for the pain my actions caused my ex-lover's wife when she found out about our affair. I can only offer my heartfelt apology.
To those of you who are having affairs -- please learn from my mistakes. The pleasure is dwarfed in comparison to the pain that's inflicted on so many people. It's just not worth it. -- EX-MISTRESS IN MASSACHUSETTS
DEAR EX-MISTRESS: Affairs with unavailable people fail far more often than they succeed, and the damage they cause will far outlive the romance. Your letter is a wake-up call. I hope others will heed it.
Woman in Need of Medical Care Was Saved by a Bark
DEAR ABBY: When I read the letter about the importance of keeping one's medical information readily available in case of an emergency, I was reminded of an incident that happened to me.
My name is Maxine, and one of my dogs is named Maxwell. We both answer to the name of "Max."
I am a diabetic and have had several kidney stones removed. One night I awoke in terrible pain but was unable to get up and call someone. Both of my dogs knew something was wrong. My collie went to the front window and barked incessantly, until the neighbor across the street woke up and realized something was wrong because I never let the dogs bark without getting up to see what they are barking at. My little dog, "Max," climbed up on the bed and licked the cold sweat off my arms.
My neighbor called my daughter and told her something must be wrong because my dog was barking for so long. My daughter arrived within 15 minutes. She found me unconscious and called an ambulance. The technician asked her if I was taking any medication and she said yes -- that it was on the kitchen counter. He rushed to the kitchen, grabbed the small bottles, put them in a plastic bag, and away we raced to the hospital.
About a half-hour later, the technician came out with a big grin on his face and told her he didn't think it was her mother's medicine. The label read: "For Max, for scratching his back and biting his tail."
We have laughed about it ever since, but I now wear a diabetic bracelet with all the information on it. My doctor told me later I was lucky because the dogs probably saved my life. If I hadn't had immediate attention, I could have died of uremic poisoning. I learned the hard way to have everything written down, to carry the information in my wallet, and also to post it on the refrigerator. -- MAXINE L. VAN TORNHOUT, ST. PETERSBURG, FLA.
DEAR "MAX" and "MAX" (I'm all maxed out here): I'm pleased your story had a happy ending, and that you're still around to pamper and praise your canine heroes. As amusing as the story is, it's a graphic reminder that medical information should be kept readily available, because the need for it can strike with little or no warning.
DEAR ABBY: I'm confused about the answers to the following questions, and hope you'll supply me with the correct answers.
When a man and woman have become divorced:
1. Are his and her brothers and sisters still his and her brothers-in-law and sisters-in-law?
2. Are his and her parents still his and her mother-in-law and father-in-law?
3. Are his and her parents still their children's grandparents?
4. Are his siblings' children still her nieces and nephews?
5. Are his or her siblings' children still cousins to his or her children?� 6. Are his and her brothers and sisters still the divorced man's and woman's children's aunts and uncles? -- FRANCES B., RICHMOND, VA.
DEAR FRANCES B.: After divorce, the "in-laws" become "ex" in-laws, but the blood relationships remain. Therefore, the grandparents are still grandparents, the aunts and uncles are still aunts and uncles, and the children are still cousins.
Everybody has a problem. What's yours? Get it off your chest by writing to Dear Abby, P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, Calif. 90069. For a personal reply, please enclose a stamped, self-addressed envelope.
Readers Think Children Should Be Seen and Heard at Wedding
DEAR ABBY: You were off the mark in your response to "Mom in Connecticut." Even if she and her husband are paying for the wedding, it isn't their wedding. A bride and groom should be able to invite the people they love to enjoy this moment in their lives. For Mom to control the guest list so that "her" event won't be ruined is completely selfish. Mom appears to want to put on a perfect social event, while the groom wants to share one of the most important events in his life with his family. I shudder to think what else Mom may try to control in the young couple's future simply for the sake of appearances. -- ANOTHER MOTHER, SAYRE, OKLA.
DEAR MOTHER: Many readers sided with the groom, saying a wedding is a family affair, not an "adults only" event. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I disagree with "Mom in Connecticut" that children should not be at her daughter's wedding. If my sister hadn't allowed children at her wedding, I couldn't have attended because I had no one to care for my 5-year-old daughter.
The children were nieces and nephews of the groom. If it's important to him that his family attend the wedding -- kids and all -- then the bride's family should understand. It's his wedding, too.
A wedding should be a good time with your family around you, with the two families getting acquainted to make one big, happy family. -- LISA FELIX, TUCSON, ARIZ.
DEAR LISA: Read on to see how another family who faced the problem resolved it:
DEAR ABBY: My advice to the mom who is hosting a wedding at which she didn't want children is to arrange for a baby sitter at the reception to keep an eye on the little ones. The children could attend the early part of the reception, and then at an agreed-upon time, the sitter could take the children to another room or location and entertain them.
Abby, I have very fond childhood memories of my cousin's country club wedding reception. I was allowed to dress up and attend the big event for a little while. Of course, I got sleepy before the evening was over, but the children's party had a place for us wee ones to fall asleep while the adults partied on.
This approach would avoid bad feelings just as the marriage is beginning. -- FAITHFUL FAN IN TAMPA, FLA.
DEAR FAITHFUL FAN: A sitter and a separate children's party is an excellent idea. However, some parents think their little darlings belong with the adults for the entire evening, regardless of how fussy or rambunctious they may become, and other parents are unwilling to allow their children to be cared for by a stranger.
NOT CONFIDENTIAL TO MY READERS: You've heard this before, but it bears repeating:
"I expect to pass through life but once. If therefore, there be any kindness I can show, or any good thing I can do to any fellow being, let me do it now, and not defer or neglect it, as I shall not pass this way again." (WILLIAM PENN)
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)