For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
MOTHER WHO TALKED TOUGH COULD TAKE IT JUST AS WELL
DEAR ABBY: You advised "Emotionally Bruised" to confront her mother and tell her how she felt. I, too, received a lot of criticism from my mother while growing up. I felt I couldn't do anything right. I took all the criticism out on myself. I became anorexic. It was something I knew I could do right.
I finally realized I had to talk to my mother and stop hurting myself. Believe it or not, not only did Mom listen, she also helped my husband and me financially to get treatment for my disorder.
I wish I could be in "Bruised's" shoes just one more time. I lost my mother last year to cancer. I was able to tell her how much I love her, although I don't know if she heard me. She opened her eyes one time and smiled at me. Mom brought me into this world and I watched her leave. Her nurse told me that Mom talked about me all the time, and how proud she was of me.
Avoiding your mother is a sad choice to make, especially if you haven't tried to talk. I wish my mother were here. I miss talking to her, and wish I had the chance to see and hug her again. Please don't give up. You'll have a lifetime to regret it. -- GLAD I TRIED, JOLIET, ILL.
DEAR GLAD: Your letter brought tears to my eyes. There is no single solution for dealing with emotionally abusive parents who belittle or constantly criticize their children. Sadly, some parents are emotionally dysfunctional. They may have experienced the same kind of treatment from their own parents and are "mirroring" that behavior. As one reader pointed out, those who repeatedly criticize are usually unhappy people who dislike themselves -- so they project their feelings onto their children. If they were happy, they'd be bubbling over with kind words. Those comments show keen insight.
DEAR ABBY: The letter about the "ugly" secretary and your reply reminded me of a story my secretary, "Alice," told me years ago about her son who was in the second grade.
Sonny kept coming home telling his parents how beautiful his new teacher was. Alice and her husband looked forward to meeting this beautiful teacher. The night of the PTA open house finally arrived. When they met Sonny's teacher, they were shocked to see she was a plain, somewhat elderly, woman. After they returned home, they asked their son how he could call his teacher beautiful. He replied, "Because she smiles so pretty."
Abby, may I share another anecdote with you -- this time, my own? I was a part-time food server for many years. I was thrust into my first server's position from a busboy's job when one of the servers called in sick. I was unprepared for that job and uneasy, but what could I do but follow the boss's orders?
On my second night, I had to serve a party of eight. I was terrified I'd make a mistake, but I made it through.
When the gentleman paid the bill, he told me, "You are a good server." I guess he could see my relief and surprise as I stammered a thank-you. He added, "Do you know why I said that? You smile a lot." I have always remembered that. -- ALFRED J. WILSON, SOUTHLAKE, TEXAS
DEAR ALFRED: Your anecdotes clearly illustrate the value of a smile. Thank you for sharing them. They remind me of a line from a song that Al Jolson used to sing: "I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles ..."
Husband Hesitates to Take Up Arms in War Between Sisters
DEAR ABBY: My wife, "Patty," and her sister, "Anita," have a love-hate relationship. They can't be together for more than an hour without a major argument. Anita is usually the instigator of these loud, ugly disagreements.
My problem is, Patty feels I should confront Anita and put her in her place. I'd like to, but my feelings are so strong I'm afraid I'd have one hellacious, final argument with her and demand that she stay out of our lives forever. I'm afraid if Anita became aggressive I might hit her. I haven't hit anyone since childhood, and under normal circumstances can control my temper.
I've told Patty that although I support her, I can't do what she's asking. It has put quite a strain on our marriage. If I give in and have that final argument, I know Patty will miss her sister and want to make up with her. With that in the background, I know I wouldn't be comfortable with Anita in our home.
Should I do as my wife wishes and reprimand her sister, or tell my wife this is between her and Anita, and keep my mouth shut? -- BETWEEN THE "HATFIELDS AND MC COYS," LITTLE ROCK, ARK.
DEAR BETWEEN: Your wife is old enough and sufficiently experienced to fight her own battles. Your reasons for remaining neutral are compelling. Stay out of it.
DEAR ABBY: Last month a dear friend's husband passed away. The death notice placed in the newspaper by her son-in-law closed with, "Memorial donations to the Mary Jane Doe Educational Fund in care of John Doe appreciated."
Abby, Mary Jane is the deceased's 3-year-old granddaughter. John Doe, the deceased's son-in-law (who is a lawyer and is easily able to pay for his daughter's education), was asked, "Is the money to be used for a scholarship for a needy student?"
He answered, "No, it's for my daughter."
John Doe's mother is Jewish. So, is this a Jewish custom? -- CONFUSED IN CANADA'S CAPITAL
DEAR CONFUSED: Your letter is a first. No, it's not a Jewish custom. And the rabbi with whom I discussed your letter was as flabbergasted as I was.
DEAR ABBY: I have known and cherished "Ellen's" friendship for 36 years. We're both in our 70s now and have been corresponding regularly because we both live comfortably and well in different states. We look forward to receiving mail from each other.
However, for the last four years, Ellen's letters have been written on memo pads, odd pieces of paper or whatever appears to be available. The last one I received from her was written on three separate scraps of paper.
My letters to her have always been on pretty, matched stationery. Do you think Ellen would think I was implying she was cheap if I mailed her a box of stationery and asked her to use it to write to me? -- SICK OF SCRAPS, BILLINGS, MONT.
DEAR SICK OF SCRAPS: I have a better idea: Be subtler. Send her a lovely box of stationery with a note that says: "When I saw this, it reminded me of you and our many wonderful years of friendship -- so I thought you ought to have it."
A friendship of 36 years' duration should be more important to you than the kind of paper that sustains it across the distance.
Everybody has a problem. What's yours? Get it off your chest by writing to Dear Abby, P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, Calif. 90069. For a personal reply, please enclose a stamped, self-addressed envelope.
Parent Fights Phone Company Over Adult Calls Made by Child
DEAR ABBY: Last March, I received a $400 phone bill that included $260 in adult entertainment calls made by my 10-year-old daughter and 11-year-old niece. At first, the phone company refused to adjust the bill, then it gave me credit for half. After five months of fighting with the long-distance phone company, and countless phone calls, I finally got the whole amount credited to my account.
In the state of Oregon, the public utility commission regulates telecommunications. There is a statute that says, "Any obligation that may have arisen from the dialing of a pay-per-call is void and unenforceable if made by an unemancipated child under 18 years of age."
Every state has its own regulations, but a call to your state's public utility commissioner should clarify whether people have to pay the bill in these circumstances. People can also contact the Federal Communications Commission in Washington, D.C.
The phone company knows it is supposed to write off the charges of such calls made by children. Unfortunately, only a small percentage of parents dispute their bill -- even though this is a frequent occurrence. I hope my letter helps other parents. -- VICTORIOUS IN OREGON
DEAR VICTORIOUS: Congratulations. I'm sure your letter will be of interest to other parents of "curious" children. Another effective preventive measure that parents can take is to put a 900 block or an international block on their phone line.
DEAR ABBY: I have some advice for the adult son of "Dad, the Morning Rooster," who can't -- or won't -- get himself up in the morning. I used to have the same problem. I, too, just couldn't wake up in the morning.
The alarm clock on my nightstand would go off, and I'd reach over, turn it off and go back to sleep. Most of the time, I never remembered having turned it off.
I realized I had to do something to keep from missing work, so I decided to make my alarm clock harder to turn off. I bought an alarm clock (a wind-up Big Ben) with bells on the outside. That night, I set the alarm, then placed the clock in a metal dishpan and shoved it under my bed.
The next morning the alarm went off and started rattling the dishpan. The noise shocked me awake. I leaped out of bed to locate the source of the racket and shut it off. (By then I had forgotten where I had put the clock.) By the time I was down on my knees, flailing around beneath the bed, I was so wide-awake I couldn't have fallen back to sleep if I had wanted to.
That young man should try my solution. I can almost guarantee it'll work every time. Sign me ... OLE SLEEPYHEAD FROM FLORIDA
DEAR OLE SLEEPYHEAD: Thank you for the helpful anecdote. For slow risers who would prefer a less radical wake-up, placing the alarm out of reach -- for instance, on the other side of the bedroom -- is a valuable suggestion.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)