For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: Your response to "Nameless Please" was shortsighted. (She was four months' pregnant when she married, and had lied for 39 years about the date of the wedding.) You advised her to say nothing now.
My half-sister, "Stella," gave birth to my niece "Lucy" 13 months before she married "Wayne." Stella never named Lucy's biological father. The marriage lasted until Stella's death 11 years ago.
Stella and Wayne (who was NOT Lucy's biological father) told Lucy they married two years before they actually did -- making it appear that Lucy was conceived AFTER the wedding.
A few years after Stella died, my mother (Stella's stepmother) visited Wayne and essentially browbeat him about the lie he and Stella had told about their wedding date, and how it would affect Lucy when she eventually found out.
After Mother left, Wayne called Lucy in tears. Lucy raced to his home fearful of what was wrong. Wayne began to tell Lucy the truth. When she realized what he was trying to say, she stopped him. She had found her parents' marriage certificate more than 10 years earlier. When she hosted their silver anniversary party, she knew then it had actually been their 23rd. She didn't care!
Mr. and Mrs. Nameless should tell their children the truth, and give them an explanation of what happened and why they lied about it. The climate was very different then. "Nice" boys and girls didn't get pregnant before marriage.
The truth may save one of their grandchildren from falling into the trap the Namelesses fell into. The virtue in their story is that they apparently have been faithful to each other all their lives. They have nothing to be ashamed of -- and a great deal of which to be proud. -- JOHN A., STATEN ISLAND, N.Y.
DEAR JOHN: When I told "Nameless" to let the past stay buried, I hoped to save them embarrassment. Although pregnant brides are common in recent years, 40 years ago it was still something to be concealed. Further, parents are usually uncomfortable discussing their sexual adventures with their children -- clearly that was the case with the couple who wrote to me.
Since I printed that letter, I have received many letters describing the pain caused by parents keeping this secret from their children, stating that it was greater when it was finally uncovered than it would have been had it been dealt with in a forthright manner. Read on for yet another view:
DEAR ABBY: May I offer my thoughts to "Nameless, Please," who was concerned about telling her children the real anniversary date, which had been hidden for 40 years?
Abby, their real anniversary date was the date they made a COMMITMENT to each other.
As I say in the wedding ceremonies I perform, "Marriage is an act of faith and a personal commitment, as well as a moral and physical union between two people." When that commitment is made, married life begins.
I applaud that couple for their faithfulness to each other. -- THE REV. MARILYNNE NEWMAN, LAKE FOREST, CALIF.
DEAR MARILYNNE NEWMAN: I know you are right. Your answer to that question is more profound and comforting than the one I gave. Thank you for writing.
Curious Toddler Explores Her Way Into Danger Zone
DEAR ABBY: We all know that toddlers can get into everything, but while I was baby-sitting my grandchildren, the little one did something I never would have imagined.
My son-in-law had taken my suitcase up to my room and placed it on the bed. Shortly after that, I missed my granddaughter and went looking for her. I found her in my room with all my pills strewn around her. She had unzipped the suitcase, unzipped the bag in which I keep my medicine and removed all of the caps! Fortunately, she hadn't put any of my pills in her mouth.
However, I would like to warn others about this and thought your column would be the best way to do it. -- CONCERNED GRANDPARENT, WHARTON, N.J.
DEAR CONCERNED: I'm sure your helpful reminder will be appreciated by those who carry medications while traveling, or in a handbag on a daily basis. Small children are naturally curious. Anything they shouldn't touch should be placed out of reach or in a child-proof cabinet.
DEAR ABBY: This year my husband and I have sent the enclosed poem to all of our children and their numerous offspring -- 28 at last count. We know it's difficult to select gifts for us, and frankly, we don't need anything. We want to simplify our lives by having less "stuff."
Perhaps our little verse will help other senior citizens who feel as we do. It is original, but feel free to use it if you think it's something your readers will find useful. -- LONGTIME READERS IN MISSOURI
DEAR LONGTIME READERS: Your delightful poem is well worth sharing, and I'm sure its message will be appreciated by countless people of all ages who feel as you do. Read on:
So many of you asked us (since Yuletide's drawing near)
"What do you want for Christmas? What can we give this year?"
If we say, "We want nothing!" you buy something anyway,
So here's a list of what we'd like; believe now what we say:
Pajamas for a little child, food to feed the poor.
Blankets for a shelter, and we ask but little more --
Perform good deeds and let us know,
Or volunteer your time.
These last are worth a fortune,
And they needn't cost a dime.
We have too many things now, vases, candles, tapes and clocks.
We have our fill of garments, ties, underwear and socks.
Candy is too fattening, crossword books we've more than 20.
We don't need trays or plates or cups,
And knickknacks we have plenty.
We've no walls to hang more pictures;
We have books we've not yet read;
So please take what you'd spend on us
And help the poor instead!
Just send a Christmas card to us and tell us what you've done;
We'll open them on Christmas Eve, and read them one by one.
It won't cost as much for postage as a package sent would do,
You'll need no wrapping paper, ribbons, ink or glue.
And we'll thank God you listened to what we had to say,
So we could be the instruments to help someone this way.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Wedding Invitation Lottery Is Not Winning Any Fans
DEAR ABBY: The letter from "Happy to Lose the Lottery" is just another sign of the decline of manners in our society. Co-workers were notified by e-mail that their names had been "entered in a lottery," the winners of which would receive invitations to attend a "small but poignant wedding." The writer had not been a winner, but was advised to send a gift anyway.
You asked readers if they cared to comment. I certainly do. My reply:
DEAR ELMER AND GLADYS: Like your wedding, my bank account is also a "small but poignant affair," and due to the "physical nature" of cash-flow difficulties, I cannot send gifts to all my friends and relatives.
Per your suggestion, I have "held a lottery with your name included, but alas, you were not on the winners list." When my gift does not arrive, you will know you've invented a "most equitable" solution for any "disappointment problem." I "thank you in absentia." -- MARTY IN SEATTLE
DEAR MARTY: You are a wit, and I'm sure your suggested response will bring a smile to many faces. That letter generated a flood of mail from longtime readers, many of whom had not been moved to pick up a pen and write to me before. Read on for a sample; I only wish I could print more of them:
DEAR ABBY: When I read the "invitation" from Elmer and Gladys, my jaw dropped. Do you think they actually expect a gift and a continuing friendship with those people? I don't think so!
Perhaps it's punishment enough that their invitation would appear in your column. However, I would send them a gift, all right -- a book on etiquette. They need to learn a thing or two. -- TORONTO, ONTARIO, CANADA
DEAR ABBY: To ask for gifts from people who weren't even invited to the wedding is the most tasteless thing I've ever heard. It's a blatant demand for gifts. I hope one of the gifts they receive is an attitude adjustment! -- KAREN IN BARTOW, FLA.
DEAR ABBY: I don't know if this follows the Golden Rule, but it does answer the question, "What are friends for?" This is my response to Elmer and Gladys:
DEAR FRIENDS: Sorry to learn we didn't win the lottery to attend your wedding. In order to celebrate your good fortune, we decided to take the sum of nearly $500 we had saved for your wedding gift and do the following:
We spent the money at a luxurious hotel where we had a three-course dinner and offered a number of toasts in your honor with our favorite champagne in celebration of your future happiness. When you return home, we'd be glad to tell you of all the kind thoughts we had of you in absentia. If you'll take us out to dinner, we can discuss our good fortune. Best wishes to you both. -- HERMAN IN CYPRESS, CALIF.
DEAR ABBY: How's this for a response, Abby? "Please don't worry about having to send us a thank-you card for our gift. Since our PRESENCE at your wedding was not required, our PRESENTS will not be forthcoming. Better luck next time!" -- MRS. B. IN L.A.
DEAR ABBY: The invitation from Elmer and Gladys was hilarious, and personally I wouldn't have responded at all. I have known stranger announcements.
My parents received a wedding announcement from a couple that included a note on a prescription pad from the doctor's office that said, "I certify that this girl was a virgin."
My thought on that was, "At one time, we ALL were virgins." -- ABBY FAN
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)