DEAR ABBY: To ask for gifts from people who weren't even invited to the wedding is the most tasteless thing I've ever heard. It's a blatant demand for gifts. I hope one of the gifts they receive is an attitude adjustment! -- KAREN IN BARTOW, FLA.
Wedding Invitation Lottery Is Not Winning Any Fans
DEAR ABBY: The letter from "Happy to Lose the Lottery" is just another sign of the decline of manners in our society. Co-workers were notified by e-mail that their names had been "entered in a lottery," the winners of which would receive invitations to attend a "small but poignant wedding." The writer had not been a winner, but was advised to send a gift anyway.
You asked readers if they cared to comment. I certainly do. My reply:
DEAR ELMER AND GLADYS: Like your wedding, my bank account is also a "small but poignant affair," and due to the "physical nature" of cash-flow difficulties, I cannot send gifts to all my friends and relatives.
Per your suggestion, I have "held a lottery with your name included, but alas, you were not on the winners list." When my gift does not arrive, you will know you've invented a "most equitable" solution for any "disappointment problem." I "thank you in absentia." -- MARTY IN SEATTLE
DEAR MARTY: You are a wit, and I'm sure your suggested response will bring a smile to many faces. That letter generated a flood of mail from longtime readers, many of whom had not been moved to pick up a pen and write to me before. Read on for a sample; I only wish I could print more of them:
DEAR ABBY: When I read the "invitation" from Elmer and Gladys, my jaw dropped. Do you think they actually expect a gift and a continuing friendship with those people? I don't think so!
Perhaps it's punishment enough that their invitation would appear in your column. However, I would send them a gift, all right -- a book on etiquette. They need to learn a thing or two. -- TORONTO, ONTARIO, CANADA
DEAR ABBY: I don't know if this follows the Golden Rule, but it does answer the question, "What are friends for?" This is my response to Elmer and Gladys:
DEAR FRIENDS: Sorry to learn we didn't win the lottery to attend your wedding. In order to celebrate your good fortune, we decided to take the sum of nearly $500 we had saved for your wedding gift and do the following:
We spent the money at a luxurious hotel where we had a three-course dinner and offered a number of toasts in your honor with our favorite champagne in celebration of your future happiness. When you return home, we'd be glad to tell you of all the kind thoughts we had of you in absentia. If you'll take us out to dinner, we can discuss our good fortune. Best wishes to you both. -- HERMAN IN CYPRESS, CALIF.
DEAR ABBY: How's this for a response, Abby? "Please don't worry about having to send us a thank-you card for our gift. Since our PRESENCE at your wedding was not required, our PRESENTS will not be forthcoming. Better luck next time!" -- MRS. B. IN L.A.
DEAR ABBY: The invitation from Elmer and Gladys was hilarious, and personally I wouldn't have responded at all. I have known stranger announcements.
My parents received a wedding announcement from a couple that included a note on a prescription pad from the doctor's office that said, "I certify that this girl was a virgin."
My thought on that was, "At one time, we ALL were virgins." -- ABBY FAN
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Compliments for Caterers Are the Icing on the Cake
DEAR ABBY: In the late '80s, I worked in the kitchen of a catering company. The hours were long, the work was hard and the pay was minimal.
One day, the boss posted a letter on the bulletin board in the kitchen from a customer who was delighted with the food, service and professionalism of our company. All of the employees were thrilled that someone took the time to write a letter to compliment us.
That letter set the tone for a very long time. Whenever we felt overworked and underpaid, all we would have to do was go over to the bulletin board and read the letter. Our spirits and morale were automatically boosted.
Since then, whenever I encounter a product or service that I really enjoy, I take the time to let them know it -- in writing.
If there is a company that is doing something right, a product that you really enjoy or a person who is an angel in disguise, take the time to express to them, preferably in writing, what you feel. Encourage them to keep up the good work, tell them what they do is important, and thank them. It will make their day -- or year.
To all the bosses out there: Don't keep the letters in a file; put them where everyone can see them! -- NEW ORLEANS READER
DEAR READER: I couldn't agree more. A thank-you note or written word of praise takes so little effort -- and yet it can make a tremendous difference. The written word is a powerful medium that can be enjoyed over and over again, and speaks as eloquently of the writer as it does the subject about which is being written.
DEAR ABBY: After 34 years of marriage, I learned that my husband was cheating with a woman three years older than our son.
The hurt was terrible and the embarrassment was horrendous. Not as much for me, but for people who did not know how to console me. With a death, friends can be sorry and there is closure. With a divorce, people do not know what to say.
My method for dealing with this was with humor. People were well aware of my hurt, but when I replied, "He got the bimbo; I got the tractor," they were able to laugh and their discomfort dissipated. My advice is to find a catch phrase that lightens the situation. You'll still hurt and mourn, but your friends will be much more comfortable. The sooner you laugh, the sooner you heal. -- MERILYN IN HOLLY, MICH.
DEAR MERILYN: Wise words, indeed.
DEAR ABBY: You were wise to advise the concerned family members to seek help for the sister whom the mother was avoiding because of her newly unpleasant behaviors. However, you were incorrect in your statement that she may have a mental illness or depression. Abby, depression -- along with a whole host of other neurobiological brain disorders -- IS a mental illness. -- CYNTHIA HAMMER, PRESIDENT, NATIONAL ALLIANCE FOR THE MENTALLY ILL, PIERCE COUNTY, WASH.
DEAR CYNTHIA: Thank you for pointing this out. Readers, NAMI (the National Alliance for the Mentally Ill) is a nonprofit organization of more than 190,000 members that advocates for research and services in response to major illnesses that affect the brain. Anyone interested in learning more about mental illness is encouraged to call NAMI's helpline at (800) 950-6264 or visit the Web site at www.nami.org.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Volunteers in Memory Study May Help Combat Alzheimer's
DEAR ABBY: In past months, some of the letters in your column have dealt with forgetfulness and aging. I would like to inform your readers about a research study designed to address the issue of memory loss found in normal aging compared to that seen in early Alzheimer's disease.
The Memory Impairment Study is taking place at 60 to 80 sites across the United States and Canada, and holds promise for medical intervention against the development of Alzheimer's disease. The study will investigate two treatments that will, we hope, lessen the likelihood of developing Alzheimer's disease in people with a condition known as mild cognitive impairment.
Mild cognitive impairment refers to a type of memory loss beyond that which is expected during the course of normal aging. Symptoms typically include forgetting recent experiences on an increasingly frequent basis. Persons with mild cognitive impairment are otherwise normal, engage in the usual activities of daily living, and do NOT have a diagnosis of dementia or Alzheimer's disease. Nevertheless, it appears that such individuals are at higher risk for developing Alzheimer's disease.
For the study, we are looking for men and women between the ages of 55 and 90 who are in good general health but are forgetful for their age. They must have a partner who is familiar with them and can accompany them to their clinic visits. The study will run for three years. Clinic visits occur approximately every six months. We will be testing two treatments in comparison to a placebo (an inactive pill).
Volunteers for this study are key to helping us provide hope for the millions of individuals affected by Alzheimer's disease.
We greatly appreciate your support for research in Alzheimer's disease and hope your readers will contact us if interested. -- RONALD C. PETERSEN, M.D., DIRECTOR, ALZHEIMER'S DISEASE RESEARCH CENTER, MAYO CLINIC, ROCHESTER, MINN.
DEAR DR. PETERSEN: Thank you for a fascinating letter. I'm sure that many will be interested in the direction that the latest, cutting-edge research is taking in the search for a cure for Alzheimer's disease. As the population of our country ages, it's a problem that will affect an increasing number of individuals and families.
According to the latest figures from the Alzheimer's Association, approximately 4 million Americans have Alzheimer's disease. Fourteen million Americans will have it by the year 2050, unless a cure or prevention is found.
Readers can obtain more information about the study by calling (888) 455-0655 or by visiting the Memory Impairment Study Web site at: www.memorystudy.org.
DEAR ABBY: Some of my friends tend to be a bit immature at times, about both serious and minor situations. I try to give good information if they don't know what to do, or if they're considering something foolish to get through their crisis.
Is there a certain approach or a time that is best to give out my information so that they take it as seriously as I would take it? -- KELLY IN PORT WASHINGTON, N.Y.
DEAR KELLY: Yes. The most unwelcome advice is that which is unasked for, so volunteer your information only when asked. The exception would be a life-threatening situation.
CONFIDENTIAL TO MY JEWISH READERS: Happy Hanukkah, one and all!
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)