Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
LEARNING TO MANAGE ANGER IS SKILL THAT SHOULD BE TAUGHT
DEAR ABBY: Anger -- a normal human emotion when dealt with positively and assertively, not negatively and aggressively -- can advance mankind.
However, many people don't have the skills to positively deal with anger because they've never been taught the skills.
Anger-management skills classes should be part of the curriculum in all our nation's schools and prison systems. This would help eliminate some of the depression, domestic abuse, divorces, alcoholism, drug addiction, crime and murder in our country. I believe the benefits would far outweigh the costs.
For people who recognize their anger-management problems and want to learn the skills to enable them to deal with those problems positively, our society should make it "politically correct" to seek help through counseling. In other words, we should drop the stigma, as we have in the last 10 years or so in regard to alcoholism and drug addiction. -- CARL FOX, HURST, TEXAS
DEAR CARL: Although I'm not sure I agree that the "stigma" in regard to alcoholism and drug addiction has been erased, I do agree that anger-management classes in schools could be helpful in lowering levels of violence. A step in the right direction are the peer mediation programs that are being implemented in many schools, which help to defuse problems before they become serious.
DEAR ABBY: You goofed when you advised "Tony's Mom" to buy earplugs if counseling couldn't keep her husband from yelling at their 10-year-old son. All that yelling will only harden the child, and when he reaches his teens, it could become explosive.
I, too, was a "yeller" and found my teen-ager becoming increasingly angry, hateful and disrespectful. Instead of trying to force him to change, I decided to change myself. I focused daily on adhering to the following goals:
1. I showed my love for my son by touching him gently at least 10 times a day with hugs, pats, or just resting a hand on his shoulder when he talked to me.
2. When I wanted his attention I went to him, touching him gently and speaking very softly, looking him in the eye.
3. I listened attentively to his stories, remarks, comments, etc., without judgment or criticism.
4. I stayed in control of my emotions and stopped yelling, which eliminated the power struggles.
This calmer, nicer approach reduced the arguments and resistance to what I asked. It was amazing how quickly I got my sweet, loving son back. -- WISER IN NORTH TEXAS
DEAR WISER: Your suggestions are certainly worth trying -- and in many cases could go a long way toward establishing a more loving family atmosphere.
However, I recommended family counseling because it can provide insight into how these disruptive patterns began, as well as methods for eliminating them and improving the level of communication between all parties.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 15-year-old boy who likes to read Dear Abby. I would just like to say that not just girls read Dear Abby. Please print my letter because I do not want boys to feel left out! -- PATRICK S., CAMARILLO, CALIF.
DEAR PATRICK: You're right. My readership includes all ages and both sexes.
Operation Dear Abby Gears Up for Holiday Mail Drive
DEAR ABBY: I was stationed at Al Karj Air Base in Saudi Arabia during the holiday season last year. I would like to say thank you to you and all your readers who participated in Operation Dear Abby and sent mail to service members overseas.
We don't always get the chance to answer all of the cards and letters, but they are dear to us. We are grateful to everyone, from the third-grader who prints better than I do, to the 9-year-old whose brother beats up on him (he wins sometimes, though), to the veterans who remember what it was like to be far from loved ones during the holidays.
Abby, please print the military addresses again this year. Our military personnel need those morale-boosters. -- ROGER SURRATT, WHEATLAND, CALIF.
DEAR ROGER: I'm delighted to oblige, and thank you for providing me this opportunity to announce to readers that it's time to launch Operation Dear Abby XV.
My thanks to each and every one of you who has worked to make Operation Dear Abby so successful every year. Your outpouring of cards and letters lifts the spirits of our servicemen and women who are far from home and family, to remind them they are in our hearts.
Many schools and clubs make this a group project, and in years past have sent cookies and packages to the troops. This year, however, in order to ensure that the mail is received within the required time frame and that it falls within the Department of Defense security guidelines, mail will be limited to ONLY first-class letters and cards, 13 ounces or less.
Operation Dear Abby has been assigned four addresses for use during the 1999 holiday season. Specific units and countries are not being targeted, only major U.S. military Aerial Mail Terminals and Fleet Mail Centers overseas. Once mail is received, these mail hubs will distribute it on a fair-share basis to all branches of the armed forces. This means a letter addressed to a "soldier" may be distributed to an airman, sailor or Marine, allowing for wider distribution. This should also prevent the transportation system or specific units from being inundated.
To send mail to a specific area, address it to the closest geographic hub.
FOR EUROPE AND SOUTHWEST ASIA:
Any Service Member
OPERATION DEAR ABBY
APO AE 09135
FOR THE MEDITERRANEAN BASIN:
Any Service Member
OPERATION DEAR ABBY
FPO AE 09646
FOR THE FAR EAST:
Any Service Member
OPERATION DEAR ABBY
APO AP 96285
FOR THE PACIFIC BASIN:
Any Service Member
OPERATION DEAR ABBY
FPO AP 96385
The U.S. Postal Service will begin accepting this mail on Nov. 15, 1999. After Jan. 15, 2000, mail will no longer be accepted for these addresses.
P.S. Readers, if you have difficulty at your local post office, ask the clerk to check recent postal bulletins. OPERATION DEAR ABBY addresses are not always entered into postal computers, and clerks may not be aware that they are valid.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: I'm being married soon, and as a bride-to-be, I have been very laid-back and agreeable to all of the arrangements my mother has made. At first, I asked if we could have just a small, informal barbecue. She said no -- so now we're having an all-out affair. My sister will be my maid of honor. I'm letting her wear whatever she wants. Even though my colors are blue, she is wearing a plum-colored dress. As long as she's happy, fine.
I have argued with my mother about only one thing: I have a beautiful, simple wedding dress. I want to wear a pair of sneakers with lace shoestrings because I will be on my feet all day. I don't want to wear heels because those shoes are not made for comfort. I think the sneakers with the lace "accents" will be very cute and nice.
Although this is really the only thing I am asking for myself, my mother is acting like I'll shame the family. (I am not doing the "garter" thing, so no one will even see the shoes.) I did agree with my mother that I'd wear proper wedding shoes for the ceremony and formal reception, but that wasn't good enough. I do not want to wear those ceremony shoes from 2:30 p.m. until 12:30 a.m.
Abby, my mother will not compromise. Why shouldn't I be comfortable at my own wedding? She's acting like I'm committing some horrible sin, and threatening I'll forever be the laughingstock of New Jersey. All I want is to be comfortable at my own wedding. Please help me put this into perspective. -- WISHING FOR COMFORTABLE SHOES, PARSIPPANY, N.J.
DEAR WISHING: Please tell your mother I suggest that she loosen up a little. Since you're wearing a long dress, and will be wearing traditional "wedding slippers" during the ceremony, your mother should be willing to compromise and allow you to wear your sneakers at the reception. Many brides simply kick off their high-heeled pumps and go through their receptions in stocking feet. Your idea has merit.
DEAR ABBY: I have just returned from my mother's funeral in another state. Not only did I have to go through the trauma of my mother dying in my arms, and then the funeral, but also a terrible battle with my brother and his wife about the "things" Mother left behind.
My sister-in-law made all the decisions about who would get what. Every time I tried to say that my mother told me during many telephone conversations what she wanted me to have, I was told, "You don't know what you're talking about!" There was an old will that did not specify to whom her possessions should go.
Abby, it was a horrible experience. I will never forget or forgive. I not only lost my beautiful mother, but a brother as well.
Please, advise older people to update their wills and make clear what is to be divided among the children or grandchildren. My brother disobeyed my mother's last wishes, and he must live with that knowledge for the rest of his life. -- DIANE D., FORT PIERCE, FLA.
DEAR DIANE: This is a topic that has appeared in my column regularly. I hope it serves as a reminder to those who need it.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)