To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Mom Has Plenty of Troops in Support of Custody Battle
DEAR ABBY: Since you didn't give marching orders to "In Shock and Heartbroken," whose surgeon-husband suddenly cleaned out the house and had his lawyer offer her $20,000 in exchange for custody of their children, may I offer some advice?
"In Shock," you deserve more than that jerk showed you. What kind of example is he setting for his children? More important, what kind of example will YOU set for them? I urge you to find the most aggressive, pit-bull lawyer in your area and tell him how you were cheated out of your marriage, belongings, means of support and children.
Many divorce lawyers will work for a percentage of the settlement rather than an up-front fee, especially in a case like yours. Your lawyer will file a motion to freeze hubby's accounts and hire a "forensic accountant" to track down what your husband must surely be hiding from you -- and possibly the IRS as well. This was obviously planned for a long time, and it will take professionals to unravel the deception.
Hold him responsible. Stay and fight the good fight, and you'll never have to look back and say, "I wish I had," while your children grow up to be as selfish and manipulative as he is. I wish you love, luck, peace and victory in court! -- STEAMING IN BOSTON
DEAR STEAMING: In fairness to me, the woman did not ask what steps she should take to proceed. She asked only if I thought she was right to stay and fight for her children.
An attorney who will take the matter on a contingency basis should be easy enough to find. Once she whispers the magic words, "surgeon" and "prominent family," the lawyer will know there is plenty of money and publicity to be had. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I read the letter about the surgeon who left his wife penniless and offered her $20,000 for custody of their children. I'm a family law attorney. You stated, "You have my respect for deciding to fight for your children against such odds, and I hope you prevail." While this is a sympathetic statement, I do not believe the woman is against such odds.
Depending on what state they live in and how long they've been married, she's probably entitled to at least one-half the community assets plus maintenance/alimony and child support, based on the parties' incomes. I would advise her to go to an attorney and file for temporary orders. Depending on the circumstances, the surgeon will be the one paying the attorney fees, plus maintenance and child support, until the court makes a final disposition of the property and a ruling on the parenting plan.
As he is a surgeon, I imagine he works long hours; and I imagine also that the wife has been the primary caretaker of the children. The odds are against him financially, and in her favor as the custodial or residential parent. -- JAN YVONNE RINKER, GIG HARBOR, WASH.
DEAR JAN: Since more people are ignorant about divorce law than are knowledgeable about it, I'm sure your letter will be an eye-opener for many.
Several readers asked me to tell "In Shock and Heartbroken" that they doubted her husband's sincerity in seeking custody of their children -- that he was either demanding them so he wouldn't have to pay child support, or using them as a bargaining chip. To quote "Dorothy in Maine":
"I wonder what he'd do if you said, 'Go ahead and take the kids.' His prospective new wife wouldn't be thrilled with that, I'll bet! Makes you want to spit, doesn't it? Hire a woman divorce lawyer ASAP. You'll prevail in the end."
Girlfriend's Immodest Dress Is Not for Family Viewing
DEAR ABBY: I am a single father with a 14-year-old son. I am not married, but I have a girlfriend.
My problem is my girlfriend likes to run around very scantily clad. I have no problem with this, except she does it in front of my son, or, when he's in the next room she'll run out, naked or half-naked, into the hallway, just barely out of his sight.
I have asked her to stop, but I don't feel I should have to keep asking her that. We are both in our early 30s. She also darts in and out of rooms naked or nearly naked when we are at the homes of relatives. I do not understand why she does this. -- RATTLED IN REDWOOD CITY
DEAR RATTLED: Your girlfriend may have a different standard of modesty than the one with which you were raised, or she could be a bit of an exhibitionist. Your son is a young man now, and whether or not it's intended that way, her nudity could be interpreted by him as seductive.
You should not have to keep reminding her. Tell her once and for all that you don't want your son and your relatives surveying her "assets" -- so in the future, unless you're alone, she MUST keep them covered.
DEAR ABBY: A year ago you were kind enough to publish a letter I wrote dealing with infants who are thrown away, abused or killed by their parent or caretakers. It concerned the news accounts of the death of one such toddler that haunted me. Shortly after, you published a letter written by a nurse who said that for the first time an infant had been abandoned on the grounds of the hospital where she worked. She thought perhaps my letter had prompted that child to be abandoned in a safe place. I hope so.
I would like to thank you for printing my letter, Abby, and share some information that may save more infants who are at risk of being abandoned or abused. Programs exist to help them. The first is the Baby Anthony Program in California, with a statewide, confidential crisis toll-free hotline: (800) 606-BABY (2229). The other is a national 24-hour toll-free hotline called Project Cuddle. That number is (888) 628-3353. I hope you will pass this along to your readers because recently there were two more stories about abandoned babies. One was found alive in a garbage can, another found dead in a field.
The phone numbers are for women and young girls who find themselves pregnant and do not know where to turn for help. They are also for caretakers who feel they must somehow get rid of the child. Some of these women and young girls will never see a doctor or any other health-care professional about their pregnancies.
I still believe there should be a legal and safe location for caretakers to take these infants, and no "manhunt" to add to the feeling of despair that led these people to think the only way for them to cope is to "get rid" of the child.
Thank you again for the opportunity to ease the trauma the original "Baby Girl Doe" created within me. I almost feel as though her message to the public has been received and some lives have been saved because of her. She remains in my mind and heart, but she is no longer heavy, thanks to you. -- DOROTHY MILLER, PITTSBURG, CALIF.
DEAR DOROTHY: I'm pleased to spread the word about the Baby Anthony Program and Project Cuddle, for parents who are overwhelmed and cannot tolerate the responsibilities of parenthood. They provide a sensible alternative to abandonment or child abuse.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Locket With Picture of Baby Brings Pain for Rape Victim
DEAR ABBY: A pregnant 18-year-old wrote to you because her husband was having a hard time accepting the fact that she wears a locket with a photo of the baby boy she gave up for adoption three years before. You advised her that you thought it was because the necklace "served as a constant reminder that 'he wasn't the first man in her life.'"
Abby, that girl told you she had been raped and the baby she gave up was a result of a crime committed against her. How can you even insinuate that the heartless coward who fathered this child was a "man in her life"?
I can assure you that a rapist, and the experience of being raped, becomes a permanent part of your life. However, when a child is raped, that rapist does NOT become the "first man in her life."
I hope you will print this letter along with an apology for offending all victims of rape. -- TAMIE IN MARIETTA, GA.
DEAR TAMIE: After an editor expressed concern about my terminology after that letter and answer were sent to my newspapers, I issued a correction. However, not all of them used my alternative wording. If you or anyone else was offended by my language, I apologize. "First man in your life" was not intended to imply that the baby was the result of consensual sex. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: In response to the young wife whose husband wants her to remove the locket containing the picture of the baby she gave up for adoption, my next question would be: How dare he? What does he want her to give up next -- her friends and family? If he can't see that the locket is important to her, he may never see ANYTHING that is important to her.
My feeling is that he's using this as emotional blackmail because he is insecure in himself. I have had three children, and never loved any of them less than the others. Is this husband an only child? If not, have him ask his mother if she loved any of her children less because she already had one. A parent's heart is too big for something that petty, and "Too Young" has already proven how big her heart is.
This young woman should hold her head up proudly, because her daughter will, too -- and so will her son. She has already proven what a terrific parent she is. She did not blame her unborn child and gave him the greatest possible gift, life!
Keep your locket, dear lady; you earned it. -- INSULTED PARENT OF FOUR, PHOENIX
DEAR INSULTED PARENT: I second the motion. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Most lockets have room for TWO pictures. I think she should add the daughter's photograph to the one of her son. Or, even better -- the husband should buy a new locket and put the pictures of both children in it. -- DIANE D., LAKELAND, FLA.
DEAR DIANE D.: That's a wonderful idea. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: That young woman's husband should applaud and support her for getting through the terrible ordeal of rape in such a mature and responsible way. As for her loving her new daughter as much as her son, I'm sure she will discover that a mother's love is like no other -- and can be equally distributed to all her children. Her insight and thoughtfulness prove that she is already well-suited for the job. -- DANIELLE M., FAIRLESS HILLS, PA.
DEAR DANIELLE: You've summed it up very well.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)