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Irritated Mammographer Needs to Stand in Patient's Place
DEAR ABBY: Your response to "Frustrated and Unappreciated," the mammographer who found it irritating to be asked, "Is this all you do, all day long?" was right on the mark. However, "Frustrated" also needs to gain a deeper understanding of her patients, as well as sensitivity toward them.
Has it not occurred to her that perhaps that question was an attempt at "small talk" by women who felt uncomfortable having a mammogram? Because of my medical and family history, I have had mammograms yearly since I was 35. After 10 years, I still do not find the procedure of having the mammographer touch me to lift, pull and smash a personal part of my body between two plates of plastic something I look forward to or feel comfortable with. Usually the mammographer is a different health-care professional from the prior year, therefore, a stranger. I have had mammographers who made me feel as much at ease as possible, but I have also experienced a few who treated my breast as if a woman was not attached to it.
"Frustrated" needs to understand and empathize. It's important she remember that her job in performing mammographies is more routine for her than it is for her patients. Perhaps understanding this will help her to focus on her patients' feelings, and not become frustrated over a question. -- DOES IT, BUT DOESN'T LIKE IT, SAN ANTONIO, TEXAS
DEAR DOES IT: I suspect that the reason the majority of women "do it but don't like it" has something to do with modesty, and also the fact that it's like stepping up to a slot machine that reminds us of our potential mortality. In fairness to the majority of mammographers, I have found them to be efficient, gentle and caring. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I am writing in response to "Frustrated and Unappreciated Mammographer":
Please, do not think for a minute that you are unappreciated. Without your dedication and professionalism, I and many others would be a statistic instead of a survivor. Breast cancer, which has no symptoms, would go undetected without you.
I thank God every day that you "do what you do all day long." I am forever grateful that you were a part of my life. We may not have a chance to thank each of you personally, but for me and all of those others, I say, "Thank you! We need you."
Each day you go to work, another lucky woman may be saved. Together, we will someday wipe out this disease. I am forever in your debt. -- JOY HOPKINS, MARCO ISLAND, FLA.
DEAR JOY: (You are aptly named!) When people are stressed out or ill, they're often unable to express their gratitude to the caring individuals who go the extra mile on their behalf. Your letter is sure to be appreciated not only by mammographers nationwide, but by every health-care professional who reads it.
DEAR ABBY: I'm being married next year and I need to know -- when I send out "save-the-date" cards for my wedding, do I send them to everyone I'm inviting, or only to out-of-town guests? I'm not sure which way to go. What's your advice? -- LAURA IN PHOENIX
DEAR LAURA: "Save-the-date" cards are typically sent to announce forthcoming charity events. You should not send one for a wedding. Your wedding invitations -- which should be sent four to six weeks in advance -- should be enough notice.
However, if you think that some of your prospective guests might have a schedule conflict at that time, telephone them with the good news and ask them to save the date.
PARENTS' CHRISTMAS FAVORITISM SPREADS BAD WILL YEAR-ROUND
DEAR ABBY: Last year, my sister called with a wonderful suggestion that we all pool our Christmas money given us by our parents and get them a wonderful gift. I was overjoyed.
When I replied, "I'll send the $40 ASAP," she was shocked. I was deeply hurt to find out the distribution of gifts to me and my siblings was as follows: $40, $40, $150, $150 and $200!
My parents are in their mid-70s and still quite vibrant. All of their children are married with small families and mid- to upper-class incomes. I'm 43, their third-oldest, and have been married 11 years. The $40 was unusual, as past gifts have usually been in the $25-$35 range. I had always assumed that my parents, over the years, had been sending all of us the same gift.
Needless to say, since that call from my sister a year ago, I no longer feel the same about my parents. Their favoritism has hurt me deeply. As this Christmas season approaches, please let your readers know that siblings do share information with each other. -- SLAPPED IN THE FACE IN OREGON
DEAR SLAPPED: I'm passing your message along. However, before you cut your parents off at the heartstrings, you should tell them exactly what you have told me. There may have been extenuating circumstances, and they deserve a chance to explain why they chose to be more generous with some of their children than others.
DEAR ABBY: I agreed 100 percent with your advice to "Deserted in New Orleans," the man whose wife deserted him and their 5-year-old son. You advised him that if he could let her go without bitterness, he would be the winner in the long run, and to please consider counseling for himself and his son to help them through the heartbreak of being deserted.
We cannot choose or control what others do to us, only how we react to it. At the risk of sounding cynical, "deadbeats" come in all forms -- dads, moms, children who ignore aging parents, spouses who cheat, partners who embezzle, and so on.
Let's hope "Deserted" will hang onto the positive and slough off the negative. By the way, just because he "lets her go without bitterness," he should NOT release her from her financial debts or child-support obligations. When you adopt a child, you agree in a court of law to be responsible for that child as though you birthed him yourself. A college-educated woman with a "good job in Florida" can still do much for her child financially. Good luck and God bless him and his son.
Abby, thanks for all you do. People need to hear supportive words. The ability to encourage others is a God-given gift as important as any other. Please don't reveal my name or location. This is a universal message. -- KINDRED SPIRIT
DEAR K.S.: Thank you for the kind words. When I advised "Deserted" to let his wife go without bitterness, I did not mean to imply that he should do it without legal representation. In a situation such as the one the writer experienced, a lawyer is not only a great comfort, he or she is also an absolute necessity.
CONFIDENTIAL TO "TUNED OUT IN TULSA": To paraphrase Elie Wiesel, a Holocaust survivor and author who won the Nobel Peace Prize in 1986: More dangerous than anger and hatred is indifference. To be indifferent to suffering is what makes the human being inhuman. Indifference is not a beginning, it is an end -- and it is always the friend to the enemy.
If I were you, I'd tune back in.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Family Dinners With Her Ex Give Woman Painful Heartburn
DEAR ABBY: I was married to my high school sweetheart for nine years, until he cheated on me. While I was at home taking care of our 1-year-old son, he was seeing other women. The one he was seeing when we divorced is now his wife.
Since she caused the breakup of my marriage, I really don't want to have anything to do with either of them socially.
I live 1,000 miles away from my family. When I visit them, my stepmother makes it a point to invite my ex and this woman to our family gatherings, including family reunions. The stress has caused me to have health problems. My stepmother is well aware of this.
I don't want to be a party pooper, but my feelings should come first. I am one of nine kids, and she does this only to me. It is very hard to sit across the table from them, as I feel very strongly that they don't belong in the picture. Any advice? -- HEARTSICK IN FORT ST. LUCIE, FLA.
DEAR HEARTSICK: Since your father and stepmother are aware of the circumstances that ended your marriage, and the fact that you are uncomfortable in the presence of your ex-husband and his new wife, but continue to invite them -- face it: They have made a choice, and it isn't you. Before you return for another family reunion, ask them why they invite your ex-husband and his wife, and make your plans accordingly.
DEAR ABBY: Here is another addition to your series on humorous inscriptions on tombstones:
My late husband, Jim Steele, was a sports announcer for WDSU-TV in New Orleans during the 1970s. At the end of his few minutes of live TV sports announcing, he would say, "Time's up. Gotta go."
Jim died Jan. 1, 1991. On his headstone I inscribed, "Time's up. Gotta go." Very appropriate, don't you agree? -- JIM'S LOVING WIFE, GLORIA W. STEELE, METAIRIE, LA.
DEAR GLORIA: Indeed it is. You are not the only reader to comment on the tombstone letter. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: The letter you printed about tombstone inscriptions reminds me of two others you might be interested in.
First, on a recent trip to Key West, Fla., we took the Conch Train tour of the city. When we passed an old cemetery, our guide told us of one tombstone inscription: "I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK."
When my first wife died a few years ago, I ordered a headstone for her and one for myself, leaving the final date blank, of course. But I added beneath my name, "OFTEN IN ERROR -- SELDOM IN DOUBT." I hope it gives some visitor a smile. -- G.B.F., GULFPORT, MISS.
DEAR G.B.F.: I'm sure it will! Read on:
DEAR ABBY: The recent letter in your column about tombstones spurred me to write.
"Trouble" was her nickname. She was 80-something and always enjoyed passing me articles in church that brought a smile to my face. God has "Trouble" now, but in memory of her I share this:
ON A TOMBSTONE
Remember, Friend, as you pass by,
As you are now, so once was I.
As I am now, you will be --
So be prepared to follow me.
Under that, in black crayon, was written:
To follow you I am not content --
Until I learn which way you went!
-- REBECCA IN TENNESSEE
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)