To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Business Owners, Beware: Fraud Can Happen Anywhere
DEAR ABBY: I read the letter from "Depressed in Texas" about her concern that her husband's business partner was stealing from them. I agree with your advice about having an independent CPA set up the accounting system, and consulting an attorney if the partner does not agree.
However, "Depressed" did raise a warning to other business owners. Whenever a person in charge of the records limits access to the records, it may be a red flag denoting fraud.
Our firm specializes in forensic and investigative accounting. Over the years, our partners have audited thousands of claims for fraud and employee dishonesty. The comment we hear most frequently: "That guy was my trusted friend." It can happen anywhere, at any time.
As a service to your readers, the following is a list of some other "red flags" business owners should look for indicating fraud or employee dishonesty:
-- Excessive drinking or gambling
-- Refusing access to records
-- Rewriting records for "neatness"
-- Coming into a "sudden inheritance"
-- Skipping vacations
-- Overriding internal controls
-- Attempts to dodge or direct an internal audit
-- Working regular overtime
-- Carrying excessive cash
-- Bouncing personal checks
-- Turning down promotions
-- Maintaining a high lifestyle
-- Has check-signing authority
-- Intimidates staff and other co-workers
Abby, theft is a serious problem costing society billions each year. The costs are always passed on to the consumer in the form of higher prices. If someone suspects he or she is having this kind of problem, it is best to contact an accountant or attorney who specializes in this area. Often an experienced fraud examiner can perform an audit without the knowledge of the alleged embezzler. A CPA can be helpful in implementing internal controls that will lower the risk of fraud. -- HENRY H. KAHRS, CPA, CERTIFIED FRAUD EXAMINER, ORANGE, CALIF.
DEAR MR. KAHRS: Thank you for an eyebrow-raising but helpful letter. I'm sad to say the business partner that "Depressed in Texas" complained about has exhibited at least two of the warning signs you listed. As a service to business owners, I'm printing your letter in its entirety.
DEAR ABBY: My mother has given her family 80 years of love, a wonderful sense of humor to get us through hardships, and always a smile and a hug at her front door. I thought you'd enjoy her latest gem:
"You know you're getting old when the only thing you exercise is caution!" -- DAVE IN SAN RAFAEL
DEAR DAVE: That's cute. I have another one for you. A family friend who fancies himself a "man about town" once told me he knew HE was getting old when his barber said she had "just the girl for him" -- and offered to fix him up with her grandmother.
Widow Upset by Stepchildren's Eagerness to Divvy Up the Loot
DEAR ABBY: After only six years of marriage, my darling husband died on Oct. 4. He had three children and taught them good values. He once said during our marriage, "When I die, I hope my kids don't come in and start announcing, 'I want this' or 'I want that.'"
Well, sure enough, two days after my husband's death -- even before the funeral arrangements had been completed -- his son came to me with a verbal list of things they wanted.
I kindly told him that his father and I had discussed what he would like them to have, and we would take care of it sometime later. I left his kids at home while I went out to run some errands. When I returned and they had left, I found evidence that they had gone through my belongings looking, I suppose, for things they wanted.
The next day his son called and said they would be bringing my husband's ex-wife over to load up the things they wanted before they went home. The day of the funeral his son called to inform me that they had brought a truck from Arkansas to haul it all away.
Abby, I couldn't take it any more. I said, "Your daddy would be ashamed of you. To ask his widow on the day of his funeral to come over immediately afterward is incredibly crass."
Well, during the funeral, I observed his son's grief, and now I feel terribly guilty for being a wicked stepmother. Am I?
Also, is it in good taste for an ex-wife to pluck flowers from her ex-husband's grave in front of his widow, before he is lowered into the ground? I'm appalled. -- GRIEVING IN MISSOURI
DEAR GRIEVING: Stop feeling guilty for having reacted the way you did to the phone calls. You showed remarkable restraint in the face of insensitivity. Something tells me that any hurt feelings will be mended as soon as you tell "the kids" they can come and collect the loot.
As for your husband's ex-wife taking flowers from his grave at the burial, customs vary in different parts of the country. Perhaps she wanted to press them and put them in a family album. After having had three children with him, she must have been feeling some sense of loss at his death. When people are grieving, they sometimes say or do things without thinking them through. Give her the benefit of the doubt.
DEAR ABBY: I recently took a commercial airline flight home from England to the United States. Regrettably, the woman I sat next to wore too much perfume. I don't mind perfume in good taste, but this woman must have taken a bath in it. The smell was unbearable, so I first covered my nose with a blanket. Then I tried turning my head in the other direction. Then I tried to sleep. Lastly, I put the air on me, but nothing seemed to help.
What should I have done to get away from the horrible perfume smell? -- SENSITIVE NOSE IN GARDEN GROVE, CALIF.
DEAR SENSITIVE NOSE: I have heard countless complaints over the years from people who are sensitive to perfumes. Many of them suffered allergic reactions when in close quarters such as elevators. The problem is perfume wearers who think that if a little bit is good, then more must be better. Not true!
You should have informed the flight attendant that you couldn't tolerate the strong odor and asked to change your seat. If the flight wasn't fully booked, the attendant would have accommodated you.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: I recently attended an Indian Head Start Directors conference in Washington, D.C., where I met an amazing woman.
This lady and I were riding a city bus, taking in the sights, as neither of us was able to walk for long periods of time because of health problems. As we chatted, a young man in his 20s who was standing near our seat listened to our conversation.
During the conversation, I asked her how old she was. When she said she was 46, I couldn't believe it because she looked so young. When I expressed surprise at her age, the young man chimed in, "Yeah, you'd be a real knockout of an older woman if you'd lose some weight!" I, and the other bus passengers, were appalled at his rudeness.
My friend, however, simply looked at him coolly and replied: "I'll have you know, young man, that I AM a knockout. My self-worth and self-esteem do not depend on what you seem to perceive as my shortcomings. There are people in this world who think I'm the sexiest, wittiest and most dedicated person that they have ever met -- so what you think does not concern me!"
The other passengers broke into applause when she finished. Although I had the impression that he hadn't planned to, the young man got off at the next stop.
I wrote this to thank the lady for not letting the crassness of some people destroy her positive self-image. She has become my role model, and although we may never meet again, I'll never forget her example. Her name was Brenda. -- STANDING TALLER NOW
DEAR TALLER NOW: Those who would remind someone that she (or he) is fat, thin, short or tall are either woefully ignorant or brutally insensitive, and possibly both. And after reading your letter, I'm sure there will be more people applauding Brenda's stance than her fellow passengers on the bus.
DEAR ABBY: "Worried in Woodland Hills" wanted to know what she could do to make the "coming out" process easier for her son. I was moved by her caring and loving regard for her son, whom she feels might be gay. I have no advice for her, only my admiration for what a wonderful mother she must be.
I am 42 and have been out since I was 18. It has never been a problem for me. The problem was always in the minds of other people, and their reaction to something they did not understand. If she is right, her attitude will make a world of difference and help create one more well-adjusted, loving human being. I have known too many who have suffered, and some who have even died, because of the shame and disgrace they were made to feel. I am writing to say thank you to that woman who is truly a mother in the highest sense, and to you, Abby, because your answer was right on. -- BEEN THERE, DONE THAT, SEATTLE
DEAR BEEN THERE: I'm sure your letter will be meaningful, not only to the mother from Woodland Hills, but also to parents everywhere who are emotionally supportive of their gay children. Thank you for your kind words about my reply.
However, several readers have written to tell me that I missed my chance to tell the mother that PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) could be an excellent resource for her. Founded in 1981, PFLAG is a respected support, education and advocacy organization with chapters in all 50 states, the District of Columbia, Puerto Rico and 11 other countries.
For literature or referral to a local chapter, write: PFLAG, 1101 14th St. N.W., Suite 1030, Washington, D.C. 20005; or call (202) 638-4200. The e-mail address is info@PFLAG.org, or you may visit the Web site at http://www.PFLAG.org.
Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Cookbooklets I and II, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)