Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Cookbooklets I and II, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)
DEAR ABBY: I recently attended an Indian Head Start Directors conference in Washington, D.C., where I met an amazing woman.
This lady and I were riding a city bus, taking in the sights, as neither of us was able to walk for long periods of time because of health problems. As we chatted, a young man in his 20s who was standing near our seat listened to our conversation.
During the conversation, I asked her how old she was. When she said she was 46, I couldn't believe it because she looked so young. When I expressed surprise at her age, the young man chimed in, "Yeah, you'd be a real knockout of an older woman if you'd lose some weight!" I, and the other bus passengers, were appalled at his rudeness.
My friend, however, simply looked at him coolly and replied: "I'll have you know, young man, that I AM a knockout. My self-worth and self-esteem do not depend on what you seem to perceive as my shortcomings. There are people in this world who think I'm the sexiest, wittiest and most dedicated person that they have ever met -- so what you think does not concern me!"
The other passengers broke into applause when she finished. Although I had the impression that he hadn't planned to, the young man got off at the next stop.
I wrote this to thank the lady for not letting the crassness of some people destroy her positive self-image. She has become my role model, and although we may never meet again, I'll never forget her example. Her name was Brenda. -- STANDING TALLER NOW
DEAR TALLER NOW: Those who would remind someone that she (or he) is fat, thin, short or tall are either woefully ignorant or brutally insensitive, and possibly both. And after reading your letter, I'm sure there will be more people applauding Brenda's stance than her fellow passengers on the bus.
DEAR ABBY: "Worried in Woodland Hills" wanted to know what she could do to make the "coming out" process easier for her son. I was moved by her caring and loving regard for her son, whom she feels might be gay. I have no advice for her, only my admiration for what a wonderful mother she must be.
I am 42 and have been out since I was 18. It has never been a problem for me. The problem was always in the minds of other people, and their reaction to something they did not understand. If she is right, her attitude will make a world of difference and help create one more well-adjusted, loving human being. I have known too many who have suffered, and some who have even died, because of the shame and disgrace they were made to feel. I am writing to say thank you to that woman who is truly a mother in the highest sense, and to you, Abby, because your answer was right on. -- BEEN THERE, DONE THAT, SEATTLE
DEAR BEEN THERE: I'm sure your letter will be meaningful, not only to the mother from Woodland Hills, but also to parents everywhere who are emotionally supportive of their gay children. Thank you for your kind words about my reply.
However, several readers have written to tell me that I missed my chance to tell the mother that PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) could be an excellent resource for her. Founded in 1981, PFLAG is a respected support, education and advocacy organization with chapters in all 50 states, the District of Columbia, Puerto Rico and 11 other countries.
For literature or referral to a local chapter, write: PFLAG, 1101 14th St. N.W., Suite 1030, Washington, D.C. 20005; or call (202) 638-4200. The e-mail address is info@PFLAG.org, or you may visit the Web site at http://www.PFLAG.org.
Mother of Elvis Impersonator Checks Into Heartbreak Hotel
DEAR ABBY: Will you please ask your readers to take a minute to think about how they treat people who are different or unique? These days we seem to care about how we treat people who are disabled or in a minority -- however, some of us seem to forget that ALL people should be treated with kindness, dignity and respect, regardless of who they are or what they do.
My son is an Elvis impersonator. Now, I'm not talking about some clairvoyant who thinks he channels Elvis; I'm talking about a talented singer who works hard at his profession of re-creating the Elvis concert experience. He was even selected to be in a new film on impersonators called "Almost Elvis." But you would not believe the way some people treat him in public.
Although he doesn't walk around in a jumpsuit, he must look the part with black hair and sideburns. It amazes and upsets me how rude and insensitive people can be with their smart remarks. If they stopped to think for a minute about the Golden Rule, about choosing to build up rather than tear down those around them, then we might have a little more kindness in the world. Elvis was known for his kindness to strangers -- and I think we could all take a lesson from him. -- PROTECTIVE LITTLE MAMA, OLYMPIA, WASH.
DEAR PROTECTIVE LITTLE MAMA: Although the comments may not be all that a mother would wish for, they may go with the territory. There's an old show-business saying, "If you want a place in the sun, you had better be prepared to put up with a few blisters." Since your son is respected in his profession, I'm hoping he receives his share of compliments to make up for any hurt that may be caused by the clumsy attempts at humor.
It's interesting that Elvis Presley's talent was so unique he is still an unforgettable celebrity so many years after his death.
DEAR ABBY: Each year, usually in December, you print letters about choosing appropriate gifts for the elderly. You have advised us against purchasing unwanted items such as bath powder or earrings for Grammy and neckties or after-shave for Grandpa. You have reminded us to stay clear of useless things for their homes, like vases or knickknacks.
I have learned from your column and for the last few years I simply ASK my relatives what they can use. If Mom wants postage stamps and a grocery store gift certificate, and Dad wants a coupon for an oil change this year, that's exactly what I give them. They're pleased and so am I.
Here comes my problem: How do I get my elderly relatives to stop sending ME useless gifts? I wouldn't dare hurt their feelings, but they never ask me what I want; they simply send things I have no use for.
How about writing a column to the elderly about gift BUYING? This really needs to be addressed and printed in the newspaper. (Then maybe I can cut it out and send them copies.) I appreciate your help. -- STUMPED IN NEVADA
DEAR STUMPED: Your problem is universal. As the holiday season approaches, write or call your relatives and thank them for their past generosity, then tell them that from now on, a card expressing their loving feelings would be appreciated more than a gift.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
MAN WITH TIGHT FAMILY TIES WON'T CUT SLACK FOR FIANCEE
DEAR ABBY: It happened again! My fiance, "Greg," left me behind to spend another long holiday weekend with his family. Let me give you the details.
Greg is 22 years old. He lives at home with his parents and goes to college. His parents have a lake cottage one hour away. They go there almost every weekend, and they expect Greg to come, too. In fact, we go there almost every weekend.
My sister's birthday was during the Labor Day weekend. I invited Greg to stay here and celebrate with us, because my sister lives five hours away, and we don't get to see her that often. However, Greg wanted to "spend time with his family." He insists I'm selfish for getting upset. I feel that I'm getting the "leftovers" and I'll never be first in his life.
Another thing: Greg has been wanting to get his own place, but changed his mind because his dad travels occasionally, and Greg says he doesn't want to leave his mother alone, even though he has two teen-age brothers who are still at home.
What do you think about this? -- FUMING IN FORT WORTH
DEAR FUMING: You are getting a taste of what it will be like to be married to this young man. Greg is still emotionally and financially tied to his family, and your family appears to rank a distant second place. Unless you can adjust to playing second fiddle to his parents, you may want to reconsider your engagement.
DEAR ABBY: I was struck by the letter from "Missing Them in Colorado," who had moved to a new city and whose old friends ignored her attempts to remain in contact via correspondence. Something similar happened to me.
Years ago I moved from Pittsburgh to Clearwater, Fla. I kept in touch with my friends through letters and cards. After a time, the letters dropped off, but I continued to send cards for birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas, births, etc.
Five years ago, six of my friends retired and moved here. I was delighted -- and we socialized at parties, dinners and sports events. Gradually, they stopped including me in their get-togethers.
In the meantime, I became friendly with one of the busboys at my favorite restaurant and his lovely family. He calls me "Mr. R.," because I'm 72 and he is 20. He attends junior college at night. I'm always included at his family's parties and dinners. He insists on cutting my grass each week and afterward invites me out to bowl or to a movie. He has become a dear friend.
Several months ago, I ran into one of my old friends and asked why I never hear from them anymore. His wife said, "Wake up and smell the coffee. You can't keep up with us timewise or financially."
Not too long after that encounter, I inherited a great sum of money. News gets around quickly, and guess who came out of the woodwork? The same couple called and invited me for dinner and said it would be nice to have me "back in the fold."
I replied that my time is precious -- and besides, they could not keep up with me financially.
I'll continue to send cards on their special days, but I will concentrate on building my friendship with Jose and his family. And guess who will be mentioned in my will?
Sorry this letter is long, Abby, but I needed to vent. -- MR. R., CLEARWATER, FLA.
DEAR MR. R.: That's what I'm here for. The value of friendship is not supposed to be based upon a person's wealth. Count your blessings, not your losses. You're a lucky man in more ways than one.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)