For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 13 years. My husband has one really big problem. He doesn't like to work. He gets a good job and somehow always messes up or quits. Then it takes him weeks to find something else. He's old enough to know better -- he's 50.
We have three children. I don't want them to turn out like their father. I have worked since I was 15 years old. I work for two companies now and do extra work on the side. I make good money, but not enough to pay all the bills. How do I get through to my husband the importance of keeping a job and not quitting? I am to the point where I'd like to throw him out of the house -- but I don't think he would leave. -- TOTALLY LOST IN NORTH CAROLINA
DEAR TOTALLY LOST: The majority of people in the work force today would prefer to be living a life of leisure. That's why the lotteries are so popular. However, as responsible adults they recognize the connection between working and getting their bills paid.
Your husband won't change until you draw the line and refuse to support him and his irresponsibility any longer. Ask yourself, "Would I be better off with him or without him?" From my perspective, you would have only one less mouth to feed.
DEAR ABBY: I completely endorse the list of seven suggestions on how to treat the mentally ill sent to you by the psychologist in Texas (published Sept. 19). Now let me add two more:
8. If I confide that I'm taking medication for a mental health disorder, please do not warn me about all the side effects this particular medication has and all the dangers of long-term use, and then tout the "natural" or herbal alternatives to psychotropic drugs. Believe me -- I've tried everything else, to no avail. It was a difficult and agonizing decision for me to finally take the step of seeking medical treatment for my illness. I resisted it, I rebelled against it, and I saw several psychiatrists and tried many other medications before I finally received effective treatment.
There may be risks involved in taking my current medication, but no risk is as great for me as doing without. At least now I am not daily, even hourly, considering suicide because of the agony my mental illness causes me. So, instead of issuing dire warnings, simply congratulate me upon finally gaining control over my illness, and offer your support and friendship. This would be truly helpful.
9. I know you love me and mean well, but PLEASE do not suggest that I would feel so much better if I had a meaningful relationship with God. I am suffering from a physical illness with mental manifestations; it has nothing to do with my spirituality or lack thereof. You would not tell someone with leukemia that he would not be ill if he simply prayed more often -- don't be so unintentionally cruel as to say such a thing to me. It is the same as blaming me for my sickness, implying that my lack of moral character is the cause of my problems. I do enough of that on my own. Just pray for me, and tell me your thoughts and best wishes are with me. -- LIVING IT IN THE U.S.A.
DEAR LIVING: I'm pleased to add your suggestions to the list, and I'm sure they will resonate with many people. I've said it before and I'll say it again: The most unwelcome advice in the world is that which is unasked for.
Individual Acts of Love Must Conquer Society's Racial Hate
DEAR READERS: If you have been reading this column for the last two days, you will have seen that racism is an issue that troubles many of us. Today will be my last in this series.
DEAR ABBY: You can't teach your children to be on the defensive, as one of your black readers wrote, without having these children LOOKING for discrimination. A basic law of physics teaches us that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. In life, sometimes there's an overreaction. Our best defenses against discrimination are education, patience, understanding and time. And remember, we educate our children every day, by our words, our deeds, our values -- and most of all -- by our thoughts. -- ANDERSON, S.C., READER
DEAR READER: That's true. Children form their attitudes by watching their parents -- often when the parents don't realize they are being watched. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I am a bus driver and have had the opportunity to meet white racists and black racists -- and believe me, there are both.
The vast majority of people are not prejudiced. They are cautious, as well they should be. The whites, blacks, reds and yellows mostly want to just be accepted as another person on this planet.
We aren't going to become color-blind, ethnic-blind or religious-blind just by snapping our fingers and passing a couple of laws. We can only control ourselves, and hope that our own attitude will rub off on those around us. May God have mercy on us if this attitude isn't one of love. -- PROUD MINNESOTAN
DEAR ABBY: Martin Luther King Jr. once said: "People don't get along because they fear each other. People fear each other because they don't know each other. They don't know each other because they have not properly communicated with each other."
We must begin to communicate with each other. No matter how much it hurts or how bad it sounds, we must begin the dialogue of truth, facts, feelings, misunderstanding and understanding. The solutions to all our problems are found in us.
Now is the time to make the decisions necessary to bring about closure and healing. The survival of our nation depends on it. In our homes, at work, at school and in our everyday lives, we must be about destroying the hate that is destroying America. We can never heal the hurt and pain within our nation until we've healed the hurt and pain within ourselves. Removing racism and discrimination from our society must begin with one person at a time. It must start with me -- then with you. -- LARRY D. HARRIS, NORFOLK, VA.
DEAR ABBY: The world is a vastly different place than it once was, although the vestiges of our past remain. The only way to end racism in our society is for each individual to take responsibility for his or her own emotions and actions, and to act in a way that is fair to all concerned. You can find hate in a lot of places -- sometimes without looking very hard. But you can also find friends. -- MICHELLE IN GALVESTON, TEXAS
DEAR MICHELLE: I agree. Regardless of skin color or ethnicity, our aspirations are very similar. We want to be liked and respected as individuals; we want our children to do as well or better than we have. It's the American Dream.
We live in an increasingly diverse society, and if we can value each other and live in harmony it will greatly enrich us. If we cannot, then greed and suspicion will drive us apart. The choice is ours.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
RACISM ISN'T JUST A MATTER OF BLACK AGAINST WHITE
DEAR READERS: Yesterday I began sharing some of the many comments from my readers regarding racism. Today I will continue. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Thomas Anthony Jones Sr. is simply wrong in his statement that "there is no racism in the African-American community in the United States." Is he right when he says that black people are "discriminated against on a daily basis because of ... color"? Absolutely. Does that mean that only people belonging to the historically oppressive group can be labeled as racists? Absolutely not!
The pain of oppression is real and sharp. It shouldn't blind anyone, however, to the plain fact that racists come in all shapes and sizes, and yes, in all colors. You said it best, Abby, in your answer to "Cincinnati Educator": "Racism is never 'OK,' regardless of the skin color of the bigot." -- NEAL SUMMERLIN IN VIRGINIA
DEAR NEAL: To that I will add that racism and prejudice are a cancer of the spirit. They invade and destroy everything they touch. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I'm a 16-year-old Asian-American. Mr. Jones declaring in an absolute statement that there is "no racism in the African-American community in the United States" is simply not true. Unfortunately, I have encountered racism from African-American individuals numerous times.
I fully believe that the majority of African-Americans living in the United States are not racist, but I was extremely annoyed to read about someone declaring that there's none at all. I have noticed in general, whenever race relations are discussed in the U.S., it's always a matter of black or white. I think it's unfair not to include the opinions of other minorities, especially the increasingly growing Hispanic and Asian minorities that are projected to outgrow all other ethnic groups in the coming years. -- JI H. CHONG, CATONSVILLE, MD.
DEAR JI: If your perception is true, I agree with you that it's unfair. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: As a proud Hispanic teen-ager, I found Thomas A. Jones Sr. to be driving in the wrong direction. His so-called "defense philosophy" is merely an excuse for intolerable behavior. His comment, "A black person is always surrounded by whites with racist attitudes," truly aggravated me. He implies that racism is a black-and-white issue when truly it is not.
Mr. Jones should be teaching his children to love, not retaliate. Just because others' beliefs are immoral does not mean that you should make the same mistake. As long as society continues to make this an attack-and-defend situation, how can we ever make any progress? -- KATRINA N. MONTANEZ, ARIZ.
DEAR KATRINA: That's the million-dollar question. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I, too, am African-American, and for Mr. Jones to say there is no racism within the black community is an outright lie. While I cannot deny our country's heritage of slavery and bigotry, to say it is fine for blacks to hate white people because of this is nonsense. I should know. I was once a black militant, filled with hatred. Thankfully the Lord blessed me with eyes to see that my hate was killing me and no one else.
Ignorant people of all races hate with or without cause. It is that simple. The means do not justify the end. -- KIMBLEY M. FORREST, MINISTER, ALIVE MINISTRIES, NEW YORK
DEAR READERS: As you can see, when I told you the comments from readers were terrific, I wasn't exaggerating. I'll have more tomorrow.
Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Cookbooklets I and II, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)