Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Cookbooklets I and II, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)
RACISM ISN'T JUST A MATTER OF BLACK AGAINST WHITE
DEAR READERS: Yesterday I began sharing some of the many comments from my readers regarding racism. Today I will continue. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Thomas Anthony Jones Sr. is simply wrong in his statement that "there is no racism in the African-American community in the United States." Is he right when he says that black people are "discriminated against on a daily basis because of ... color"? Absolutely. Does that mean that only people belonging to the historically oppressive group can be labeled as racists? Absolutely not!
The pain of oppression is real and sharp. It shouldn't blind anyone, however, to the plain fact that racists come in all shapes and sizes, and yes, in all colors. You said it best, Abby, in your answer to "Cincinnati Educator": "Racism is never 'OK,' regardless of the skin color of the bigot." -- NEAL SUMMERLIN IN VIRGINIA
DEAR NEAL: To that I will add that racism and prejudice are a cancer of the spirit. They invade and destroy everything they touch. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I'm a 16-year-old Asian-American. Mr. Jones declaring in an absolute statement that there is "no racism in the African-American community in the United States" is simply not true. Unfortunately, I have encountered racism from African-American individuals numerous times.
I fully believe that the majority of African-Americans living in the United States are not racist, but I was extremely annoyed to read about someone declaring that there's none at all. I have noticed in general, whenever race relations are discussed in the U.S., it's always a matter of black or white. I think it's unfair not to include the opinions of other minorities, especially the increasingly growing Hispanic and Asian minorities that are projected to outgrow all other ethnic groups in the coming years. -- JI H. CHONG, CATONSVILLE, MD.
DEAR JI: If your perception is true, I agree with you that it's unfair. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: As a proud Hispanic teen-ager, I found Thomas A. Jones Sr. to be driving in the wrong direction. His so-called "defense philosophy" is merely an excuse for intolerable behavior. His comment, "A black person is always surrounded by whites with racist attitudes," truly aggravated me. He implies that racism is a black-and-white issue when truly it is not.
Mr. Jones should be teaching his children to love, not retaliate. Just because others' beliefs are immoral does not mean that you should make the same mistake. As long as society continues to make this an attack-and-defend situation, how can we ever make any progress? -- KATRINA N. MONTANEZ, ARIZ.
DEAR KATRINA: That's the million-dollar question. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I, too, am African-American, and for Mr. Jones to say there is no racism within the black community is an outright lie. While I cannot deny our country's heritage of slavery and bigotry, to say it is fine for blacks to hate white people because of this is nonsense. I should know. I was once a black militant, filled with hatred. Thankfully the Lord blessed me with eyes to see that my hate was killing me and no one else.
Ignorant people of all races hate with or without cause. It is that simple. The means do not justify the end. -- KIMBLEY M. FORREST, MINISTER, ALIVE MINISTRIES, NEW YORK
DEAR READERS: As you can see, when I told you the comments from readers were terrific, I wasn't exaggerating. I'll have more tomorrow.
Hating Others Because Others Hate You Is No Way to Live
DEAR READERS: After printing letters about racism during the summer, I received an onslaught of mail from readers who wanted to comment. It's a subject about which people are passionate.
I regret that space limitations do not permit me to share all of the terrific letters with you. Read on for a sample:
DEAR ABBY: I am writing in response to Mr. Jones' and Dr. Wood's replies to the letter from "My Kid's Mom." Dr. Wood claimed that he knew of "no dark-skinned people who believe they are superior to light-skinned people, at least not those living in Western societies," while Mr. Jones claimed "there is no racism in the African-American community."
Are these gentlemen actually serious? One only has to listen to the comedy of Chris Rock or D.L. Hughley, or a speech from Louis Farrakhan, to realize that there is racism in the African-American community.
The only way there can be serious discussion and improvement of race relations in America is if we as citizens refuse to accept ANY racist rhetoric, regardless of the skin color of the speaker. As long as American society accepts racist dogma from white, black, Asian and Hispanic communities, this country will never find peace among her citizens. Only when we can accept this fact and make a conscious effort to root out this aspect of ourselves will we truly end racism once and for all. -- CHRIS HOWELL, ALSO FROM GEORGIA
DEAR CHRIS: I agree with you. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: When our society gets to the point where one discusses race only when talking about genealogy or national origin, and when we begin to describe ourselves as "Americans," and not "something-Americans," then and only then can we make the statement that there is no racism. -- HOPING FOR A NON-RACIST AMERICA
DEAR ABBY: Mr. Jones states that he teaches his kids "to be tough and smart, because a black person is always surrounded by whites with racist attitudes." Mr. Jones should teach them instead to be intelligent and compassionate for the shortcomings of others. Defense mechanisms are no way to deal with real problems.
Teaching to hate because others hate only shows his willingness to sink to someone's level and to conform to racist policies, which only fuels racism. -- CITIZENS FOR AN EQUAL AMERICA, PAXTON, ILL.
DEAR ABBY: I applaud your attempt to cut out the sore from our society by bringing this to the written medium and opening the forum for discussion on the level where we need it -- at our lunchroom tables, our breakfast tables, our dinner tables, because so many people read your column. Thank you! -- PHOENIX READER
DEAR ABBY: Hatred and bigotry should be as equally condemned when it comes from a minority as it is when it comes from the majority. -- D.L. IN S.C.
DEAR ABBY: As an R.N. who has worked in a major city hospital in the United States as well as small hospitals, let me tell you -- there is racism in the African-American community no matter what it's labeled. There is racism between blacks and Asians, blacks and whites, blacks and Hispanics, just as there is for white and other races in these United States. Racism is not just a white evil. It's an all-pervasive, color-crossing evil that debases us all. -- JEANIE, R.N., FORMERLY OF PHILADELPHIA (THE CITY OF BROTHERLY LOVE)
DEAR READERS: Stay tuned; there will be more on this subject tomorrow.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
GOOD FRIENDS ARE NOT AFRAID TO SPEAK THE TRUTH THAT HURTS
DEAR ABBY: I could not disagree with you more strongly regarding your advice to "Worried About My Friend," who doesn't want to be in her friend's wedding. She told you she thought her friend's fiance was abusive, and the marriage would be the biggest mistake of her friend's life. You told her to be there for the bride on her big day and afterward, in case she had to help her pick up the pieces of her broken heart -- that's what friends are for.
Abby, a friend should speak up when a friend is about to make a terrible mistake. Most of us need help when making important choices. We may not see ourselves -- or people with whom we are in love -- as others do. We lack objectivity.
In my opinion, a true friend values the friend over the friendship. Risking the friendship for the sake of the friend can be an act of great love.
Anyone considering giving this kind of advice takes the risk of rejection, embarrassment or error. When making a decision to offer advice, one should ask: "Is my decision made to help my friend? Is it motivated by love?"
You may be right, Abby, that it's unlikely anyone with wedding plans will listen to such advice, but it's not impossible. Some may listen. For the sake of those, I hope you will publish my letter. Friends are not just for picking up the pieces of a broken heart. They are also for trying to catch that heart before it shatters on the hard pavement of a poor discernment process. -- (REV.) RICHARD G. FRANCESCO, PASTOR, ST. BENEDICT CHURCH, NEWARK, N.J.
DEAR FR. FRANCESCO: You are a wise and caring religious adviser, and I'm pleased to print your letter. However, I think your timing is off.
While it is never pleasant to hear that one's friends think the object of our affections is an unworthy jerk, the time to speak up is while the two are dating.
By the time the wedding plans are being made, most brides are deaf to anything beyond the sound of wedding bells and will probably react defensively to criticism of their intended -- preferring instead to believe the friend is jealous, overly judgmental or has ulterior motives. Furthermore, many young women would be reluctant to face the potential embarrassment of calling off a wedding once the announcement has been made.
DEAR ABBY: I'm a longtime reader wishing I'd been a heeder. I don't know how many times I've read in your column the advice, "Neither a borrower nor a lender be." This is especially true when dealing with relatives.
Last fall my brother desperately needed a loan to get out of financial trouble with the IRS. Ignoring my first instinct, I sent him the money. He assured me this would solve his problems and that he would be able to pay me back in full by May or June of this year. Guess what? Those dates are past and I haven't been repaid.
I've lost more than money. I've also lost all respect and trust I once had for my brother. Also, I feel like an idiot for allowing him to prey on my sympathy. He's made me look like a fool in front of my wife.
Say it again, Abby: "Neither a borrower nor a lender be." I don't know who this sage advice is attributed to, but sign me ... POORER RICHARD IN FLORIDA
DEAR POORER RICHARD: The quote is from "Hamlet," written by William Shakespeare, and the line that follows it is, "For loan oft loses both itself and friend." Prophetic words, indeed.
You were not foolish to help your brother, although you would have been wiser to have documented the loan in a businesslike fashion. However, since you didn't, you may have to chalk it up to tuition in the school of experience.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)