For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Hating Others Because Others Hate You Is No Way to Live
DEAR READERS: After printing letters about racism during the summer, I received an onslaught of mail from readers who wanted to comment. It's a subject about which people are passionate.
I regret that space limitations do not permit me to share all of the terrific letters with you. Read on for a sample:
DEAR ABBY: I am writing in response to Mr. Jones' and Dr. Wood's replies to the letter from "My Kid's Mom." Dr. Wood claimed that he knew of "no dark-skinned people who believe they are superior to light-skinned people, at least not those living in Western societies," while Mr. Jones claimed "there is no racism in the African-American community."
Are these gentlemen actually serious? One only has to listen to the comedy of Chris Rock or D.L. Hughley, or a speech from Louis Farrakhan, to realize that there is racism in the African-American community.
The only way there can be serious discussion and improvement of race relations in America is if we as citizens refuse to accept ANY racist rhetoric, regardless of the skin color of the speaker. As long as American society accepts racist dogma from white, black, Asian and Hispanic communities, this country will never find peace among her citizens. Only when we can accept this fact and make a conscious effort to root out this aspect of ourselves will we truly end racism once and for all. -- CHRIS HOWELL, ALSO FROM GEORGIA
DEAR CHRIS: I agree with you. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: When our society gets to the point where one discusses race only when talking about genealogy or national origin, and when we begin to describe ourselves as "Americans," and not "something-Americans," then and only then can we make the statement that there is no racism. -- HOPING FOR A NON-RACIST AMERICA
DEAR ABBY: Mr. Jones states that he teaches his kids "to be tough and smart, because a black person is always surrounded by whites with racist attitudes." Mr. Jones should teach them instead to be intelligent and compassionate for the shortcomings of others. Defense mechanisms are no way to deal with real problems.
Teaching to hate because others hate only shows his willingness to sink to someone's level and to conform to racist policies, which only fuels racism. -- CITIZENS FOR AN EQUAL AMERICA, PAXTON, ILL.
DEAR ABBY: I applaud your attempt to cut out the sore from our society by bringing this to the written medium and opening the forum for discussion on the level where we need it -- at our lunchroom tables, our breakfast tables, our dinner tables, because so many people read your column. Thank you! -- PHOENIX READER
DEAR ABBY: Hatred and bigotry should be as equally condemned when it comes from a minority as it is when it comes from the majority. -- D.L. IN S.C.
DEAR ABBY: As an R.N. who has worked in a major city hospital in the United States as well as small hospitals, let me tell you -- there is racism in the African-American community no matter what it's labeled. There is racism between blacks and Asians, blacks and whites, blacks and Hispanics, just as there is for white and other races in these United States. Racism is not just a white evil. It's an all-pervasive, color-crossing evil that debases us all. -- JEANIE, R.N., FORMERLY OF PHILADELPHIA (THE CITY OF BROTHERLY LOVE)
DEAR READERS: Stay tuned; there will be more on this subject tomorrow.
GOOD FRIENDS ARE NOT AFRAID TO SPEAK THE TRUTH THAT HURTS
DEAR ABBY: I could not disagree with you more strongly regarding your advice to "Worried About My Friend," who doesn't want to be in her friend's wedding. She told you she thought her friend's fiance was abusive, and the marriage would be the biggest mistake of her friend's life. You told her to be there for the bride on her big day and afterward, in case she had to help her pick up the pieces of her broken heart -- that's what friends are for.
Abby, a friend should speak up when a friend is about to make a terrible mistake. Most of us need help when making important choices. We may not see ourselves -- or people with whom we are in love -- as others do. We lack objectivity.
In my opinion, a true friend values the friend over the friendship. Risking the friendship for the sake of the friend can be an act of great love.
Anyone considering giving this kind of advice takes the risk of rejection, embarrassment or error. When making a decision to offer advice, one should ask: "Is my decision made to help my friend? Is it motivated by love?"
You may be right, Abby, that it's unlikely anyone with wedding plans will listen to such advice, but it's not impossible. Some may listen. For the sake of those, I hope you will publish my letter. Friends are not just for picking up the pieces of a broken heart. They are also for trying to catch that heart before it shatters on the hard pavement of a poor discernment process. -- (REV.) RICHARD G. FRANCESCO, PASTOR, ST. BENEDICT CHURCH, NEWARK, N.J.
DEAR FR. FRANCESCO: You are a wise and caring religious adviser, and I'm pleased to print your letter. However, I think your timing is off.
While it is never pleasant to hear that one's friends think the object of our affections is an unworthy jerk, the time to speak up is while the two are dating.
By the time the wedding plans are being made, most brides are deaf to anything beyond the sound of wedding bells and will probably react defensively to criticism of their intended -- preferring instead to believe the friend is jealous, overly judgmental or has ulterior motives. Furthermore, many young women would be reluctant to face the potential embarrassment of calling off a wedding once the announcement has been made.
DEAR ABBY: I'm a longtime reader wishing I'd been a heeder. I don't know how many times I've read in your column the advice, "Neither a borrower nor a lender be." This is especially true when dealing with relatives.
Last fall my brother desperately needed a loan to get out of financial trouble with the IRS. Ignoring my first instinct, I sent him the money. He assured me this would solve his problems and that he would be able to pay me back in full by May or June of this year. Guess what? Those dates are past and I haven't been repaid.
I've lost more than money. I've also lost all respect and trust I once had for my brother. Also, I feel like an idiot for allowing him to prey on my sympathy. He's made me look like a fool in front of my wife.
Say it again, Abby: "Neither a borrower nor a lender be." I don't know who this sage advice is attributed to, but sign me ... POORER RICHARD IN FLORIDA
DEAR POORER RICHARD: The quote is from "Hamlet," written by William Shakespeare, and the line that follows it is, "For loan oft loses both itself and friend." Prophetic words, indeed.
You were not foolish to help your brother, although you would have been wiser to have documented the loan in a businesslike fashion. However, since you didn't, you may have to chalk it up to tuition in the school of experience.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Man Who's Hard to Live With Can't Live Without Ex Lover
DEAR ABBY: I've been living with someone for nearly two years. When we first met we both expected it to last forever. We work together and were together nearly all the time. This took its toll on our relationship. I did everything for her, Abby, including buying us a house I honestly didn't think we were ready for with my life savings.
Six months later she told me she wanted to separate. This wasn't the first time she's done this. After a week of lethargy, I got angry and frustrated and threw her out in a rage!
Abby, I admit I'm not easy to live with. She just thought I regretted our relationship and didn't love her anymore. I loved and still love her and her young son. I've humiliated myself trying to win her back. Despite the advice of my friends, I still want to share my life with her, but she's stubborn and fiercely proud and says she just wants to be "friends."
Abby, I'm a great-looking guy and know I'd make a terrific husband, and while I'm not a vain man, I wouldn't have a hard time finding someone else. Problem is, for some crazy reason, I want HER. What do I do? -- HEARTBROKEN AND ABANDONED IN CANADA
DEAR HEARTBROKEN AND ABANDONED: Since you were the one who threw this woman and her child out, I fail to see why you are now taking the stance of having been abandoned.
You describe yourself as "not easy to live with" and have demonstrated a volatile temper. You describe your efforts to win this woman back as "humiliating." Has it occurred to you that she may have felt humiliated when she found herself and her child without a roof over their heads?
Whether it's possible to patch up this rift remains to be seen. A giant step in the right direction would be for you to seek counseling in anger management techniques. That way she would have some assurance that your apology is sincere and that you are taking steps to change.
DEAR ABBY: My husband, James Patrick Kinney, wrote the poem "The Cold Within" in the 1960s. It is gratifying to know he left something behind that others appreciate.
He submitted it to the Saturday Evening Post; however, it was rejected as "too controversial for the times."
Jim was active in the ecumenical movement. His poem was sent in to the Liguorian, a Catholic magazine. That was its first official publication to my knowledge. Since then, it has appeared in church bulletins, teaching seminars and on talk radio, listed as "Author Unknown." If that was done for legal protection, I understand. My family is always happy to see it appear, but we do think the true author should be given credit.
Jim died at 51 of a heart attack on May 23, 1973, after retiring to Sarasota, Fla.
My second marriage was to Homer Kenny, a Sarasota widower, so I became ... MRS. JAMES KINNEY-KENNY
DEAR MRS. KINNEY-KENNY: I agree that the true author should be given credit. James Kinney was a gifted poet. How sad that he died so young, because he had keen insight and constructive things to say to all of us.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)