To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
GOOD FRIENDS ARE NOT AFRAID TO SPEAK THE TRUTH THAT HURTS
DEAR ABBY: I could not disagree with you more strongly regarding your advice to "Worried About My Friend," who doesn't want to be in her friend's wedding. She told you she thought her friend's fiance was abusive, and the marriage would be the biggest mistake of her friend's life. You told her to be there for the bride on her big day and afterward, in case she had to help her pick up the pieces of her broken heart -- that's what friends are for.
Abby, a friend should speak up when a friend is about to make a terrible mistake. Most of us need help when making important choices. We may not see ourselves -- or people with whom we are in love -- as others do. We lack objectivity.
In my opinion, a true friend values the friend over the friendship. Risking the friendship for the sake of the friend can be an act of great love.
Anyone considering giving this kind of advice takes the risk of rejection, embarrassment or error. When making a decision to offer advice, one should ask: "Is my decision made to help my friend? Is it motivated by love?"
You may be right, Abby, that it's unlikely anyone with wedding plans will listen to such advice, but it's not impossible. Some may listen. For the sake of those, I hope you will publish my letter. Friends are not just for picking up the pieces of a broken heart. They are also for trying to catch that heart before it shatters on the hard pavement of a poor discernment process. -- (REV.) RICHARD G. FRANCESCO, PASTOR, ST. BENEDICT CHURCH, NEWARK, N.J.
DEAR FR. FRANCESCO: You are a wise and caring religious adviser, and I'm pleased to print your letter. However, I think your timing is off.
While it is never pleasant to hear that one's friends think the object of our affections is an unworthy jerk, the time to speak up is while the two are dating.
By the time the wedding plans are being made, most brides are deaf to anything beyond the sound of wedding bells and will probably react defensively to criticism of their intended -- preferring instead to believe the friend is jealous, overly judgmental or has ulterior motives. Furthermore, many young women would be reluctant to face the potential embarrassment of calling off a wedding once the announcement has been made.
DEAR ABBY: I'm a longtime reader wishing I'd been a heeder. I don't know how many times I've read in your column the advice, "Neither a borrower nor a lender be." This is especially true when dealing with relatives.
Last fall my brother desperately needed a loan to get out of financial trouble with the IRS. Ignoring my first instinct, I sent him the money. He assured me this would solve his problems and that he would be able to pay me back in full by May or June of this year. Guess what? Those dates are past and I haven't been repaid.
I've lost more than money. I've also lost all respect and trust I once had for my brother. Also, I feel like an idiot for allowing him to prey on my sympathy. He's made me look like a fool in front of my wife.
Say it again, Abby: "Neither a borrower nor a lender be." I don't know who this sage advice is attributed to, but sign me ... POORER RICHARD IN FLORIDA
DEAR POORER RICHARD: The quote is from "Hamlet," written by William Shakespeare, and the line that follows it is, "For loan oft loses both itself and friend." Prophetic words, indeed.
You were not foolish to help your brother, although you would have been wiser to have documented the loan in a businesslike fashion. However, since you didn't, you may have to chalk it up to tuition in the school of experience.
Man Who's Hard to Live With Can't Live Without Ex Lover
DEAR ABBY: I've been living with someone for nearly two years. When we first met we both expected it to last forever. We work together and were together nearly all the time. This took its toll on our relationship. I did everything for her, Abby, including buying us a house I honestly didn't think we were ready for with my life savings.
Six months later she told me she wanted to separate. This wasn't the first time she's done this. After a week of lethargy, I got angry and frustrated and threw her out in a rage!
Abby, I admit I'm not easy to live with. She just thought I regretted our relationship and didn't love her anymore. I loved and still love her and her young son. I've humiliated myself trying to win her back. Despite the advice of my friends, I still want to share my life with her, but she's stubborn and fiercely proud and says she just wants to be "friends."
Abby, I'm a great-looking guy and know I'd make a terrific husband, and while I'm not a vain man, I wouldn't have a hard time finding someone else. Problem is, for some crazy reason, I want HER. What do I do? -- HEARTBROKEN AND ABANDONED IN CANADA
DEAR HEARTBROKEN AND ABANDONED: Since you were the one who threw this woman and her child out, I fail to see why you are now taking the stance of having been abandoned.
You describe yourself as "not easy to live with" and have demonstrated a volatile temper. You describe your efforts to win this woman back as "humiliating." Has it occurred to you that she may have felt humiliated when she found herself and her child without a roof over their heads?
Whether it's possible to patch up this rift remains to be seen. A giant step in the right direction would be for you to seek counseling in anger management techniques. That way she would have some assurance that your apology is sincere and that you are taking steps to change.
DEAR ABBY: My husband, James Patrick Kinney, wrote the poem "The Cold Within" in the 1960s. It is gratifying to know he left something behind that others appreciate.
He submitted it to the Saturday Evening Post; however, it was rejected as "too controversial for the times."
Jim was active in the ecumenical movement. His poem was sent in to the Liguorian, a Catholic magazine. That was its first official publication to my knowledge. Since then, it has appeared in church bulletins, teaching seminars and on talk radio, listed as "Author Unknown." If that was done for legal protection, I understand. My family is always happy to see it appear, but we do think the true author should be given credit.
Jim died at 51 of a heart attack on May 23, 1973, after retiring to Sarasota, Fla.
My second marriage was to Homer Kenny, a Sarasota widower, so I became ... MRS. JAMES KINNEY-KENNY
DEAR MRS. KINNEY-KENNY: I agree that the true author should be given credit. James Kinney was a gifted poet. How sad that he died so young, because he had keen insight and constructive things to say to all of us.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
American's Creed Celebrates Values for Which We Stand
DEAR ABBY: I recently retired from the U.S. Air Force as a chief master sergeant, having spent more than 35 years of my life serving my country. I still get goose bumps when I witness a parade and Old Glory passes by. I am proud to stand and salute when the national anthem is played at a sporting event. This country is very important to me, and although she may not be perfect, I feel America is way ahead of whomever is in second place. All Americans should honor and respect our country every chance they get.
For these reasons, I was surprised and excited by a passage I discovered a few months ago. The passage is entitled "The American's Creed." Its author is William Tyler Page, clerk of the U.S. House of Representatives in 1917. It was accepted by the House on behalf of the American people on April 3, 1918.
I was so impressed by his creed that I wanted to introduce it to others who may also have missed it. Patriotism seems to cling by a thin lifeline these days, and anything we can do to bolster it can only help. If you agree with my impression of the essay, please put William Tyler Page's creed in your column. -- WILLIAM D. LaVALLE, LINDALE, GA.
DEAR WILLIAM: "The American's Creed" is beautifully written and very moving, and it's well worth space in my column. Its message will touch many hearts, and I thank you for sending it. Read on:
THE AMERICAN'S CREED
"I believe in the United States of America as a government of the people, by the people, for the people; whose just powers are derived from the consent of the governed; a democracy in a republic; a sovereign nation of many sovereign states; a perfect union, one and inseparable; established upon those principles of freedom, equality, justice and humanity for which American patriots sacrificed their lives and fortunes.
"I therefore believe it is my duty to my country to love it, to support its Constitution, to obey its laws, to respect its flag, and to defend it against all enemies."
DEAR ABBY: You reminisced in a recent column that we used to be more tolerant of each other. A reader, Irma Barragan, pointed out that we really were not all that tolerant -- and the "good old days" were not all that good for everyone. I feel you conceded her point far too easily.
What has changed, regrettably, are our ideals. In some ways, we certainly were not as tolerant then as we are now. (After all, we have made some important progress since, say, 1964.) But we were headed deliberately in the direction of tolerance, of integration into the "melting pot." In those "good old days," when we noticed intolerance, we still believed that it would -- and SHOULD -- disappear with time.
No more. As a country, we no longer aspire to be a melting pot. Now we are satisfied with a patchwork of separate cultures, each with uneasy relations with everyone else: a Balkanized society.
I once heard a politician define himself as a "paleo-liberal" because he still believes in integration, not multiculturalism. That's me: one of the melting pot liberals. Remember us? -- J. MacAUSLAN, NASHUA, N.H.
DEAR J: Indeed, I do, and warmly, too. As the daughter of immigrant parents whose fervent wish was to learn English and become good Americans, those are the values with which I was raised.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)