For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
MATCHMAKER MOM'S DETERMINED TO FIND HER DAUGHTER A MATE
DEAR ABBY: I am a 24-year-old woman with a college degree. I am intelligent, friendly, drink moderately and have never touched drugs. You would think my mother would be satisfied to have a daughter with these attributes; however, she is not. I am single, and that isn't good enough for her.
Mother is constantly mentioning to me about this guy or that guy she met at the grocery store, or a nephew of someone she works with or met at a wedding. She goes on and on, even though I have no interest (and tell her so). Recently I went to a store and a young salesman knew my name. My mother had been in and told him all about me and even showed him my picture. I have told her repeatedly that I do not want her to set me up or talk to men about me, but she continues to do so.
A month ago, she placed an ad in a singles magazine with my information. Doing this required her to forge my signature. I was mystified when I began receiving biographies of "interested" men in the mail. Although I was extremely upset, I haven't confronted her about it. I'm not sure what to say because nothing has ever gotten through to her before.
She has no respect for my privacy or my right to live my own life. She obviously thinks it's necessary for me to land a man, but I live at home and haven't completed my education, so I'm in no hurry to do that. How can I make it clear to my mother that this is not her business? -- AT MY WIT'S END IN MILWAUKEE
DEAR WIT'S END: Showing your picture to strangers and placing an ad in a singles magazine without your knowledge are beyond the realm of normal parental concern, and could actually be dangerous. However, since you have talked to her in the past and asked her to stop, and it hasn't helped, there is nothing you can do to stop your obsessive parent.
My advice: Grit your teeth, complete your education, and then move as far away from her as you can. It's the only way you'll be able to live your own life.
DEAR ABBY: One of my best and oldest friends became engaged to be married five months ago. "Sarah" has put a deposit down on a location, bought her gown and picked out dresses for her three bridesmaids, including me. The problem is that Sarah has yet to pick a maid of honor or even to say she doesn't want one at all.
Whenever anyone asks her who the maid of honor is going to be, she shrugs off the question by saying something like, "I haven't even gone there yet."
Abby, I'm trying to be there for her because I'm her friend, but it seems as if she's trying to avoid the issue, possibly to avoid picking one friend over another. I would like to host a bridal shower for her, but isn't that the responsibility of the maid of honor? I wouldn't be offended if she didn't choose me, but it's difficult to assess my role without knowing for certain what it is. -- JUST A BRIDESMAID?
DEAR JUST A BRIDESMAID: You are a wonderfully supportive friend, but this is a decision the bride must make, and she must make it in her own time. Entertaining for the bride is not solely a privilege of the maid of honor. Bridesmaids may entertain for the bride singly, or as a group.
ABUSIVE MOTHER-IN-LAW IS SIGN OF BIG TROUBLE AHEAD
DEAR ABBY: I had to write after reading the letter from "Hurt in Adams Center, N.Y.," the woman whose future mother-in-law is abusive to her because she thinks "Hurt" is "stealing her son away."
Please tell her to run, don't walk, to the nearest therapist and take her fiance with her -- and if therapy doesn't fix things, to please, please, not marry this man. I was once married to such a man and an almost identical set of parents. I was wife No. 2 -- we had both been married before -- and I quickly found out what had happened to his first marriage. His mother didn't want other women around her adored son; this included his daughter from the first marriage. And she was not nice to my children either because she felt "disloyal" to the real grandchild.
My husband simply would not or could not stand up for his bride over the craziness of his parents. The mother walked closely past me in the hall one time and punched me in the stomach as hard as she could. When I let out a howl of protest, this goofy woman actually said she hadn't done such a thing; this was just another example of my trying to cause trouble! She had a way of "needing" his help urgently when she knew something was going on at our house and, every time, my husband would walk out on me to take care of this manipulative woman, his mother.
Again, run, don't walk, to a therapist. Remember, these are the people who raised the fiance to be the person he is. He's been yanked around and manipulated by them all his life -- and there could easily be trouble ahead. -- CRAZY LADY'S FORMER DAUGHTER-IN-LAW
DEAR FORMER DAUGHTER-IN-LAW: That's good advice, providing the couple will heed it. If it doesn't help them deal with the problem, at least it will help them gain insight. I have a stack of letters 6 inches high from women who have experienced the same problem. Every single one said to break the engagement and run like the devil. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Please tell "Hurt in Adams Center" to put on her running shoes and exit that relationship as soon as possible. My ex-in-laws didn't approve of me, either.
At the wedding and reception they refused to be in any photograph that I was in. (How many wedding pictures have you seen without the bride?) My former mother-in-law called friends of mine and told them what an awful wife she thought I was, and my husband refused to intercede because he was sure everything would get better once children arrived.
After 18 months of this abuse, I got a divorce. I am now very happily married to someone else, and his mother and I get along just fine. -- DIXIE DARLING
DEAR DIXIE DARLING: I advised "Hurt" that her fiance and his mother were still attached by an emotional umbilical cord, and the only person who could successfully sever it was her fiance -- by making it clear to his mother that he expected his future wife to be treated with courtesy and respect.
To that I will add: If he is unable to do that, then she must read the handwriting on the wall. Better a broken engagement than a bitter divorce.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: I'm writing to reassure the mother of "Trevor," who fears that her son is gay because he prefers dancing and cooking to baseball cards and talking about girls. Twenty years ago, that could have described my brother, although you'd never guess it to see him today -- happily married to a lady who's happy to let him do the cooking in their home.
My brother was always small and shy, and although he had a number of female and male friends, he didn't date until college. While in junior high school and high school, a knee injury left him with only swimming and dance for gym class choices. He endured a lot of razzing about his sexuality when he dressed to go to a dance class with the girls while all the other guys were preparing to do "manly" activities such as wrestling.
Finally, my brother lost his tolerance and pointed out, "You are going into a class of sweaty, smelly guys in shorts and sweatshirts. I'm going into a class with girls in skintight leotards and tights. Who do you think is having a problem?" And that ended the discussion!
As for cooking, my brother has always been the better cook in our family, and he loved it at an early age. To this day, he takes cooking classes and cooks up gourmet feasts out of nothing.
The mother is correct to encourage her son's interests. Dancers are often in better shape than other athletes, and certainly the number of male chefs on TV and running restaurants shows there is nothing effeminate about cooking. Someday, the other boys will realize that Trevor actually has a lot of advantages they missed out on -- and they'll be envious instead of harassing. -- PROUD SISTER, PLANO, TEXAS
DEAR PROUD SISTER: Your brother handled the teasing with humor and confidence. However, not all children have the confidence to deal with it in such a sophisticated manner. A survey funded by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention determined that one in 13 students has been attacked or harassed because he or she was suspected of being gay. Four out of five of those individuals were actually heterosexual. Weapons have been banned from our school ground -- and words that are used as weapons don't belong there, either.
DEAR ABBY: We're having a discussion in our office about dating. A co-worker is going out with her husband tonight. She considers it a date, but another co-worker and I disagree. Of course, if you are married, you're allowed to go out with each other, but it's not considered a "date," is it? Abby, what do you think? -- CYNTHIA IN EL PASO
DEAR CYNTHIA: My trusty Webster's Collegiate Dictionary (10th Edition) defines "date" as "an appointment to meet at a specified time; esp. a social engagement between two persons that often has a romantic character." That definition describes the engagement your co-worker has with her husband, so she does indeed have a "date." Dating while married is a terrific way to keep romance alive -- don't you agree?
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)