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Antique Schoolhouse Bell Is at Center of Family Discord
DEAR ABBY: Several years ago my husband's sister asked us if we wanted an old schoolhouse bell she had purchased. She was moving and could not take it with her. Because we like antiques, we accepted her offer.
After much effort and paying to rent a moving truck -- the bell weighed 1,500 pounds -- my husband moved it to our house. It was so heavy he got it no farther than the top of our driveway, and there it sat for more than two years! It became obvious that the bell was just too large and heavy for us to do anything with. It would have cost us a small fortune to have someone build a stand for it, so I asked a local auctioneer if he could sell the bell for us.
When my sister-in-law learned I had sold the bell, she had a fit! She thought I should have asked her permission to sell the bell, as she had considered the bell only on "loan" to us. I never considered a 1,500-pound item that we paid to move, sitting in my driveway for more than two years, a "loan." I'm angry that this has caused such a rift in my husband's family.
I was always taught that when you are given something, it is yours to do with as you please. My husband feels caught in the middle, and we are now having marital problems for the first time in our 14-year marriage. What do you suggest? -- MELVA IN PHILLIPSBURG, N.J.
DEAR MELVA: I, too, have always thought that once a gift is given it belongs to the recipient to keep or dispose of as he or she wishes. However, the bell is gone and there is nothing any of you can do at this point to retrieve it. Perhaps offering to split the money you received for the bell will soothe your sister-in-law's wounded spirit. In any case, you and your husband should not let his sister's attitude sabotage your marriage.
DEAR ABBY: Tomorrow I'll be celebrating my 64th birthday, and even though I have read your column faithfully for many years, I never thought I would be writing you for advice. This is the dilemma:
I am computer literate, while my wife of 45 years has been somewhat apprehensive about attempting to learn computer basics. Our grandson is 14 and would very much like to have a computer. My wife is adamantly opposed to it at this time. She says that when he graduates from high school, she will contemplate getting him one. I say by that time our grandson would have lost valuable time and the opportunities that come from having knowledge of the computer. There are many youngsters who, upon completion of high school, are forced to go to work. Consequently, their formal education is set aside until later, or perhaps never.
My wish would be for our grandson to continue his formal education after graduating from high school. However, in the event that he does not, I think we should get him a computer NOW, so that he could gain the necessary knowledge to compete in the labor market. As you well know, almost every workplace now requires employees to have at least some knowledge of computers.
Whatever your answer is, I will honor it. If it is contrary to my thinking, I'll never again mention it to my wife. However, if you agree with me, please try to convince my wife that we are doing a disservice to our grandson by not getting him a computer now. Thank you. -- MANNY IN LAS VEGAS
DEAR MANNY: I agree with you. Computer proficiency is a skill that students need today. Colleges, as well as employers, expect applicants to be computer literate. If your wife doubts this, she should place a call to some of the local high schools and inquire. Perhaps that will reassure her.
Family Doesn't Want to Hear Aunt Talk About Their Weight
DEAR ABBY: Please help us deal with a problem we have with a dear aunt.
Every time my husband and I visit her, she greets us by telling us we have gained a lot of weight, then proceeds to tell us about other family members who are also gaining weight. If we dine out, she comments on the amount of food we eat. We are active, and 25 to 30 years younger than Auntie. No one in the family has gained an excessive amount of weight.
She has already noticed that some family members don't visit as often, and her remarks about their weight are the reason.
I don't want to cause hurt feelings. Should we try to talk to her or just ignore her comments? -- AUNTIE'S NIECE
DEAR AUNTIE'S NIECE: Talk to her. The time to bring it up is the next time your aunt mentions that the relatives don't visit as often as they used to. Her comments may be well-intended, but they are extremely tactless.
DEAR ABBY: "Glad I Tried, Joliet, Ill.," who wondered if her comatose mother heard her when she said "I love you," may feel better after hearing my experience.
My aunt was a second mother to me. She kept me when I was a child and was there for me during my critical years. Later in life, I received a call from her daughter saying that she was in a coma and not expected to live. She was living in another state, but I rushed to her side. As I stood alone in her room, I saw her move the big toe on her right foot. I said, "If you can hear me, wiggle your right toe." She did! I then asked her to move her toe once for "yes" to my questions and twice for a "no" answer.
My talk with her lasted several hours. Although she was in a coma, she responded to my every question with the correct "yes" or "no" while I sat there and talked about our lives and the many experiences we had shared. During that time, I recalled many beautiful times, and I talked and laughed while she used her toe to "talk" to me. It was a moving experience that I cherish and will always remember. Two days later, my aunt passed away. -- JOHN W. BLACK, MARINA DEL REY, CALIF.
DEAR JOHN: How kind of you to take the time to write and confirm from your own personal experience that people in comas can hear and comprehend. I received a similar account from a widow in San Francisco. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: We were standing around my husband's bed, all so sad, when my son said, "Dad, this is Al. If you can hear me, wiggle your feet." Lo and behold, the covers moved. Then he said, "Dad, Uncle Frank and his wife are here. If you can hear me, shake your feet." You should have seen the covers!
Abby, please consider this proof-positive that people in a coma can hear. My darling was pretty well into the coma because he passed away about four hours later. -- SEVEN-YEAR WIDOW, SAN FRANCISCO
DEAR WIDOW: My condolences on the loss of your beloved husband. Thank you for sharing your last precious moments with him so that others will know that as long as the breath of life is there, it is never too late to express your love and compassion for someone near and dear.
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Happy Wife Is Losing Sleep Over Dreams of First Love
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are approaching our fifth wedding anniversary. Apart from the usual problems you encounter in marriage (money, family, etc.), things have been very good. My husband is a loving and attentive man. I love him and feel lucky to have him in my life.
So here's my problem. During the past few years, I have had dreams about my first love whom I met in high school. I was 14 and he was 17. The relationship was wonderful, but because I was so young and due to many problems in my life, our relationship ended after a few years. I am afraid I hurt him terribly. He seemed to never want to give up on "us," but as the years went on we grew apart.
At the age of 21, I attempted a reconciliation with him, but when he found out that I had "been" with another man, it was too much for him to handle. That was the end of us. I seemed to get on with my life and forget about him. I dated, and eventually met my future husband.
Abby, the dreams have become much more intense over the years. At first, my "first love" would appear in an occasional dream. Now I am having dreams where we are getting back together or we are professing our love for each other. One week, I had four dreams four nights in a row. I wake up feeling sad, and I am in a hazy state of mind because I feel I'm being pulled back into the past with a young man I used to love so dearly.
I am confused, and I feel bad because I love my husband and can't bear to tell him the dreams I've been having. I don't want to hurt him. I am hoping this is just a phase that will pass. Any advice you can give me will be greatly appreciated. -- LOST IN A DREAM
DEAR LOST: Romanticizing one's first love is very common. As the years roll by, people tend to minimize the pain and magnify the emotions.
I'm no expert in the interpretation of dreams, but I can tell you this: Dreams are rarely literal. It might be interesting for you to analyze what this man symbolizes in your life.
Since these dreams are recurrent and causing you discomfort, you could greatly ease your mind by discussing them with a psychoanalyst. He or she will be able to help you discover their real meaning and what's causing them.
DEAR ABBY: I am amused by the various opinions about life in recreational vehicles. They brought to mind a conversation I had with a cousin in De Smet, S.D., who owns a general store and restaurant.
When I remarked about the large size of the parking area, he replied that it had to accommodate the number of recreational vehicles during hunting season. I said that I had no desire to own one, and he said that anyone who is thinking about purchasing that kind of vehicle should take the following test:
"Take your wife, children, the dog and cat into your largest bathroom, along with some snacks and beverages. Turn on the shower and stay for two days, and if you enjoy your 'vacation,' buy an RV!"
I took his advice to heart. I now travel in my sedan and stay in hotels. -- ROBERT O. JOHNS, RENO, NEV.
DEAR ROBERT: Your cousin is a wit! In defense of RVs, there are millions of satisfied customers on the roads who can't say enough good things about that mode of travel.
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