For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Daughter Resists Involvement in Her Mother's Family Feud
DEAR ABBY: I'm having a big problem with my mother, who still feels she can control my life. She is mad at her siblings, and now only one remains because her brother just died.
If I choose to stay in contact with her last surviving sibling, Mother has told me she will feel betrayed and will no longer speak to me or her grandchild.
My husband and I are very family-oriented. We feel that our daughter should know all her relatives.
Mother never told her siblings why she is angry with them, but I know. I'm not sure her reason is valid -- especially since she told me that she found out while she was in a hypnotic trance.
I think that as a 40-year-old adult, I should be able to make my own decisions regarding who I see. I know I'll be getting a call from her soon whereupon she'll ask if I have been in contact with her family. I want to say "yes," as I am not comfortable with lying.
My mother has been under psychiatric care since 1993. I don't feel I am betraying her; I just want all my family in my circle. Abby, can you help? Please answer soon in the paper. -- BIG PROBLEM IN NEW JERSEY
DEAR BIG PROBLEM: The next time your mother asks if you have talked to her sibling, tell her that if she chooses to isolate herself from the rest of the family, you think it is ill-advised, but you won't try to make her change her mind. However, that is not the way you wish to live your life, nor is it the way you want to raise your daughter. Then let the chips fall where they may.
Your mother is trying to manipulate you by using threats, and she should not be allowed to get away with it. The poor woman sounds emotionally disturbed, and I'm pleased that she's under the care of a psychiatrist.
DEAR ABBY: About five years ago you printed a letter from a woman whose husband had just died from melanoma. She urged everyone to have their moles examined by a doctor.
Although I was only 20 years old and did not fit the normal age range for people with skin cancer, I decided to go to the doctor. Well, Abby, I DID have melanoma -- usually the only form of skin cancer that can cause death. Luckily, I was able to have it removed surgically, and now I am fine.
Please continue to urge your readers to wear sunscreen and to have their moles examined. I would like to thank the wife who took the time to write to you about her tragedy, and to thank both of you for saving my life. -- THANKFUL IN LONG BEACH, CALIF.
DEAR THANKFUL: I'm pleased your story has a happy ending. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to remind my sun-worshipping readers to have this kind of checkup done annually.
Any suspicious lump, sore or ulcer on the skin should be reported to your physician if it persists for more than a week. It's also important to be examined by a physician if there is any change in the size, shape or texture of a mole, or if half of it appears "different" from the other half.
Talking About Being Gay Is Path to Social Acceptance
DEAR ABBY: I was lunching with five or six co-workers the other day and the topic turned to gay rights. During the conversation, one of them said, "I don't know why they have to talk about it." I was shocked speechless because everyone at the table knew that I am gay.
Later, I thought of all the things I should have said. Then I compiled a list of reasons why we talk about it. If you think it's worthwhile, please print it on Oct. 11, because that is National Coming Out Day. -- ED IN LONG ISLAND, N.Y.
DEAR ED: Whether to come out or not is a personal decision, and one that should not be taken lightly. However, your reasons present a strong argument in favor of doing so and I'm pleased to print them on National Coming Out Day to encourage those who might be hesitant about identifying themselves. It's OK to be gay, and it's OK to be yourself.
REASONS WHY WE TALK ABOUT IT
1. Until we started talking about it, laws were enacted by straight people telling gay people what they were and were not allowed to do.
Forty-five years ago, nothing could be sent through the U.S. mail about love or intimacy between gay people. Thirty years ago, openly gay people could be fired from government jobs. We could be expelled from most schools, the government could close bars that had lesbian and gay patrons, we couldn't be priests or ministers, and we were banned from many professional organizations. Twenty-five years ago, we could be jailed or institutionalized for being gay.
Laws still exist that prevent gay people from adopting, that take our children from us, that allow us to be jailed for making love to our partners, that permit straight people to refuse to rent to us, or serve us in restaurants for no other reason than that we are gay. It was "talking about it" that led to the repeal of hundreds of those laws.
2. If we didn't talk about it, enlightened people wouldn't be teaching their children that it's wrong to call people "faggot," and that it's wrong to treat gay people differently from straight people. (My parents never told me otherwise.)
3. If we didn't talk about it, straight people wouldn't know who we are, nor would they realize that their friend, co-worker, sibling, parent or child is gay. When straights don't know that someone they love is gay, they often don't stop to think how unfair it is that gay people can be legally discriminated against in 37 states.
4. We talk about it because many of us grew up thinking we were alone because nobody talked about it.
5. I talk about it because otherwise, straight people tell me anti-gay jokes and use anti-gay language in front of me.
6. I talk about it because so many other people cannot. In the U.S. military, men and women lose their jobs for saying, "I am gay," which should be a direct violation of their First Amendment rights.
7. I talk about it because I want folks to see that most gay people are average people, not the monsters that straight people are taught that we are. Prejudice like that is the reason that many gay men and women are beaten up or murdered in the streets.
8. I talk about it because my straight friends are surprised when I say that a movie they liked was awful -- completely missing the fact that the gay characters were outdated stereotypes.
9. I talk about it because I want the children in my family to know that you can be gay and a good person. And I want to counterbalance all those who are deceitful, misinformed or have misinterpreted the word of God.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Driving Under the Influence Covers More Than Alcohol
DEAR ABBY: I don't drink and have always despised alcohol and drunk drivers. On New Year's Eve in 1982, my 26-year-old brother was killed by a drunk driver.
Well, to my shock, I had a terrible car crash that has left me hospitalized for the last three weeks. I am missing one-third of the muscle and tissue in my leg. I cannot get skin grafts and reconstructive surgery for several more weeks.
The reason for the car crash was that when I decided to run to the store late one night, I misjudged how my tranquilizer medication would affect me because I was unusually tired.
Now I am charged with DUI! Not only am I in excruciating pain, I am emotionally devastated about being charged with a DUI. I never would have thought in a million years that something like this could happen.
Please print this, Abby, so people will realize that you can get a DUI for reasons other than drunk driving, and that the warning labels on your prescription bottle are there for a reason. If even one person is spared what I'm going through, it will be well worth sharing what I endured.
I thank God every day that I didn't kill someone or hurt anyone else. -- PAINFULLY WISER IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR WISER: You are generous to want others to learn from what could have been a fatal error, and I hope your recovery is swift and complete. Those little labels on prescription bottles warning consumers not to take the medication in combination with driving or operating heavy equipment are there for a reason, as your experience clearly illustrates.
DEAR ABBY: I am the owner of a beautiful 1-year-old St. Bernard. She is very loving, playful, protective and weighs approximately 140 pounds. She stays indoors the majority of the time, but we allow her to run in a fenced-in yard.
Yesterday, while she was in the yard, three children were walking down the street. Two of the children were about 14 years old and the third child was about 8. The older children were laughing because we have a sign posted on the fence that says, "Beware of Dog." The youngest child picked up a long stick and started swinging it at the dog inside the fence. Luckily, this story has a happy ending. The dog just barked at the children and we took her back into the house.
Abby, I am pleading with parents to teach their children never to tease an animal. My dog is 140 pounds. A dog that size can cause a lot of damage. A dog bite from even a small dog can be serious. Children should be taught NEVER to approach any animal (especially one that is barking or growling); never swing a stick at an animal, or bark back -- even if the dog is fenced in, because it could jump over. One should just walk away.
I realize this is long, but I hope you'll print this important message. -- CONCERNED DOG OWNER, MARYVILLE, TENN.
DEAR CONCERNED: Your message is well deserving of space in my column. I would like to add that small children should be warned never to play with a dog who is eating, because the animal may think the child is trying to take its food away. Also, a dog who is nursing should be approached with care, because of her maternal instincts to protect her young.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)