To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Disabled Wife's Dream House Is Now Husband's Nightmare
DEAR ABBY: I'm 80 years old, living alone and desperately lonely. I have a good wife and five fine children. My present situation is due to a major mistake I made after retirement.
My wife had a lifelong dream of spending our retirement years in the country, "in touch with nature." She had been a fair helpmate and perfect mother for 35 years, so I decided to give in to her dream and let her have her turn at a happy life. I sold our comfortable home located in an ideal midsized city and gave her a free hand at relocating us.
My wife had a major stroke two years ago, and our remote location, with no medical help for 25 miles, made matters a lot worse for her, as it took so long to get her to the emergency room. She is now in a nursing home, and I am alone in our "close to nature" house that still hasn't sold after two years.
The nursing home care is eating away at my savings. All my children live far away, and I'm afraid I can't drive much longer. Depression is setting in.
Abby, please advise seniors to locate close to help. Life can take a sudden sharp turn -- mine was destroyed like a flash of lightning. Any advice you can offer would be welcome. -- CONFUSED AND LONELY IN CANADA
DEAR CONFUSED: Although your life has taken an unexpected 180-degree turn, you can get it back on course.
Start by discussing your symptoms of depression with your doctor, because prescription medications are available that can lessen them. And waste no time in looking into what services are available for seniors in your area, such as transportation and senior recreation centers. If nothing is available, consider asking your children if they could visit more regularly and perhaps help you solve some of these problems.
Also, ask your Realtor why your home hasn't sold in two years. Have you offered it at current market value? Is it being actively marketed? If the market is slow, consider renting it -- that way you may be able to live closer to your children or your wife. Another solution may be to rent a room in your home to another senior so you are not alone all the time.
Please let me hear from you in six months. I'm rooting for you.
DEAR ABBY: I grew up in a house full of siblings. Our father told us he would not tolerate smoking, drinking or cursing under his roof, and if we wanted to do any of those things, we were free to move out.
When I entered the Air Force in 1947, it wasn't long before I was confronted with the old, "Aw, come on -- have a drink. Don't be a stick-in-the-mud."
I had several good friends who drank, but I had no desire to start. I finally came up with an answer that worked. I told anyone who asked me to drink or smoke a funny cigarette, "I'll tell you what I'll do: I won't try to make you stop if you don't try to make me start."
In almost 13 years in the Air Force, it never failed me and I still had lots of friends. I still don't drink or smoke that funny weed, and I am over 70 years old.
Abby, why can't young people today use the same line to refuse alcohol, tobacco, drugs -- and maybe even sex? They might be surprised how they could influence some of their friends to stop. I'm proud to say I did. -- BEEN THERE IN TEXAS
DEAR BEEN THERE: They can. After reading your easy-to-memorize one-liner, some of them probably will. It's short, nonjudgmental and very much to the point.
Telephone Story Time Closes Gap for Distant Grandparents
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have discovered a terrific way to maintain a close long-distance relationship with our grandchildren who live several thousand miles away.
Kyle is 5 and Sarah is 3. Their attention spans are not yet long enough to allow extended phone conversations between visits, so we came up with the following idea. It works not only for the grandchildren and for us, it also gives their parents a break.
On the weekends, my husband and I visit our local bookstore and buy two identical "easy-reader" books. We keep one and send the other to the grandkids. Then, on a designated night each week, we call just before bedtime and read them their "night-night" story. Both children are snuggled in bed -- one with the bedroom phone and the other with a cordless phone. The children can read along with us because they have the same book we have.
After the story, the kids are eager to talk about it and other things.
We know that Kyle and Sarah go to bed at least one night a week secure in the knowledge that they are loved by their grandparents as well as their parents. An added bonus that should not be overlooked is that they are developing a love of books as well. -- CONNIE SAMPSELL, OVERLAND PARK, KAN.
DEAR CONNIE: You and your husband have come up with a wonderful method of building a strong relationship with your grandchildren and a clever means of building literacy. I congratulate you both.
DEAR ABBY: Four years ago I moved to a new town where I knew one person from a previous job. Over the years, our friendship has grown very close, and she has introduced me to many other people who have also become my friends.
A few weeks ago, I dropped by my friend's house on the spur of the moment and walked into a dinner/card party that included a group of these friends. I was very hurt and upset that I had not been invited.
My friend is angry with me for being upset and insists that there is no reason to be hurt. The six people included are all couples. I am single and admit I often feel left out.
Please advise. It's tough being single in a world that revolves around couples. Abby, do you think I'm being unreasonable or too sensitive? -- JUST ONE IN CORONA DEL MAR, CALIF.
DEAR JUST ONE: Yes, I do think you are being unreasonable. As close as you may feel to your friend, she is under no obligation to invite you to every gathering she hosts.
Since you often feel left out because you are single, begin exploring activities in your community for singles. It may also make you less dependent on your friend, which will be healthier for both of you.
DEAR ABBY: I have always wondered how to address food servers in restaurants. Do you call them "Sir" or "Miss" or "Waiter"? It is hard to call a food server "Miss" when she's more than 50 years old and may be married. See what I mean? -- RONALD IN OCEAN SPRINGS, MISS.
DEAR RONALD: Yes, I do see what you mean. Politely ask for the server's name, and use it.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Handshake Instead of Hug Is Way to Greet Retarded Adults
DEAR ABBY: I am the parent of an adult man who has Down syndrome. He has many opportunities to be part of the community in addition to his job -- parties, weddings, going to stores, restaurants, movies, church.
The problem? When we are greeting people or leaving an event, complete strangers will shake hands with everyone else but hug my adult son. They do not hug anyone else. However, they think it is just fine to hug him because he is "different."
PLEASE, well-meaning folks, we parents and teachers and social workers work very hard so that our retarded adults can be accepted, productive members of the community. More important, though, is our real concern for their safety. We teach them to shake hands and greet others like "normal" people do. To be hugged by strangers is neither safe nor acceptable social behavior in our society. This behavior further sets our adult children apart as "they" and "people like that" when acceptance and inclusion is what is needed. It also confuses what we have been trying to teach.
Give them a job rather than a hug! Is it safe for your children to hug strangers? Do you hug strangers? It isn't safe for my son either! So please, smile, shake his hand and make him feel welcome. That will do more for him than a hug that diminishes his chances for safe independence in the world.
Abby, I believe I speak for many parents of retarded adults, as we have discussed this problem often. Thank you for getting this message out for all of us. -- CONCERNED MOTHER
DEAR CONCERNED: You have made your point, and I hope the well-meaning but patronizing huggers will get the message: It isn't acceptable to hug people you don't know. Inappropriate hugging sets a bad example. If the retarded adult imitates that behavior and initiates the hug, it could be misunderstood as sexually motivated.
DEAR ABBY: My ex-wife's brother has cancer and lives in another state. He has asked that I be a pallbearer at his funeral. My live-in girlfriend says there is no way that I should agree to do it. She thinks this is a plot that my ex-wife has hatched to be close to me.
Although I divorced my "ex," I still like her family and they like me.
My girlfriend says that since I am divorced, I should have nothing to do with any of my former in-laws or friends that we both share. I feel that it should be OK for me to talk with my ex-in-laws every now and then, and to see mutual friends as long as my ex-wife isn't the main topic of conversation. I think my girlfriend should trust me enough to let me talk without making accusations.
By the way, Abby, I have never cheated on my ex-wife or my girlfriend, but my girlfriend's ex-husband did cheat on her. She also played around a little on her ex-husband before they separated. What do you think? -- ANYONE, ANYWHERE, U.S.A.
DEAR ANYONE, ANYWHERE: I think you should be a pallbearer for your former brother-in-law, if it is in your heart to do so. I also think you should consider moving your live-in girlfriend out -- unless, of course, you want a lifetime with this insecure and controlling woman.
Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Cookbooklets I and II, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)