What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
One Big Family Is Happier Without Son in Law's Mom
DEAR ABBY: I need some advice. My daughter, her husband and three girls moved into my home when my husband was ill five years ago. They were a big help to me when my husband was terminally ill with cancer. My son-in-law was always there during the night when I needed him. We get along well. He takes care of repairs and I have a free mind. I have my part of the house; they have theirs. They also help with all of the expenses.
My problem is his family -- especially his mother. I never had a mother-in-law. My husband's mother died before I knew him. Every time my son-in-law's mother comes here, she has to criticize something or complain about something. I'm ready to scream. This is my home, and I'm capable of making my own decisions. I may be 80 years old, but I still do volunteer work and keep up on all the local and world news. Reading is my hobby.
I try to deal with the criticism by being thankful for what I have. I have my health, my own home, and I'm still able to handle important things.
Every time I see her coming into the yard I feel like screaming. Other members of the family feel the same way. Abby, can you help me? His family takes over every weekend. I have a beautiful deck, but I don't use it when they're here. -- TRAPPED AT HOME
DEAR TRAPPED: There's no reason why you should have to feel trapped in your own home. You are all adults. It's time for a frank talk with your daughter, your son-in-law and his mother about how her criticism and complaints make you feel. From your description, she has been thoughtless and tactless.
You should be able to enjoy quiet time at home on some weekends if you wish. However, unless you speak up, no one will know how you feel. Please don't be shy or wait to clear the air. If you're "ready to scream," I'd say you're long overdue.
DEAR ABBY: My marriage was in need of repair. My husband and I had been fighting a lot. He told me that if I didn't like it, I could pack my things and go. I cried myself to sleep for nights on end.
One night I couldn't sleep because I was so upset with him. All I could think about were all the things that bugged me about him. I knew that if I didn't banish these negative thoughts from my mind, it would be a long time before I fell asleep. I decided to think, instead, of all the things that I loved about him. I wrote them down on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope and placed it in his briefcase.
The next morning, he called me from work to tell me how much he loved me. When he came home that evening, he put my "list" in a frame and hung it on the wall. We hardly ever fight anymore. I get love notes weekly and kisses daily.
I thought some of your readers might like to try this recipe for renewed love. It was so simple -- and well worth the effort. -- HAPPY AGAIN IN SAN DIEGO
DEAR HAPPY AGAIN: What a terrific idea for warming up a glacial marriage. Your list of the things you loved about your husband obviously meant a great deal to him. When we focus only on what a person is doing wrong, we tend to undervalue what he or she is doing right.
PROTEST AGAINST CO-HABITATION FALLS ON DAUGHTER'S DEAF EARS
DEAR ABBY: My daughter is contemplating moving in with her boyfriend next spring. She is 21, he is 22. They have been dating for nearly two years. They have both completed two years of college, but have not made plans to continue their education.
Both have been employed in good summer jobs, but they have no prospects for steady employment. She lives with us and he lives with his parents.
Her father and I don't want to see them live together for all the reasons that seem obvious to us. It seems like we have no good arguments against this plan. Could you give us any help? -- CONCERNED MOM IN WASHINGTON STATE
DEAR CONCERNED MOM: The old adage "two can live as cheaply as one" is baloney. Ask them how they plan to pay the rent, utilities, license fees, car insurance, doctor bills, buy groceries and clothing, and build a nest egg for retirement.
DEAR ABBY: Your response to "Furious," whose in-laws expect her and her family to stick to the in-laws' schedule when they come to visit, was understanding and appropriate. "Furious" is making a mountain out of a molehill. If her in-laws lived in Hawaii and she was in New York, or vice versa, the time difference would be as much as six hours, and THEN it would be worth getting upset about. However, since only one hour is involved, "Furious" should just grin and bear it. If this is the most serious in-law problem she has, she should count her blessings. -- R.W. IN SAN FRANCISCO
DEAR R.W.: Thank you for the supportive letter. However, quite a few seniors chastised me for my reply. They told me people in their 60s are not too set in their routines to adapt, and old dogs CAN learn new tricks.
DEAR ABBY: I'm writing about "Furious," whose husband threatened to divorce her if she didn't keep quiet about his parents sticking to their own time schedules when they were visiting. What kind of husband would divorce his wife of 27 years for voicing her opinion and standing up for her rights -- something he obviously can't do?
I've had a few run-ins with my in-laws, so I know where she's coming from. They started throwing insults my way, but I stood up for myself. They didn't speak to me for months. When my husband made excuses for them, I sat him down and helped him understand how upset and hurt I felt. He finally realized that our marriage was his No. 1 priority, and insisted his parents apologize to me.
Abby, his parents were stunned at first, but now they show me some respect.
A simple solution would be for "Furious" and her family to push up their schedule by half an hour, and for his parents to push theirs back by half an hour. This way everyone compromises and they all win. Sign me ... WIVES SHOULD COME FIRST, LONG ISLAND, N.Y.
DEAR WIVES: Compromise. That's a very good idea. A little give-and-take would make the in-laws' visit much more palatable.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: You hear so much about caregivers abusing children in the home, but the same thing can happen to the elderly when you rely on home care. My mother and stepfather had live-in care until he passed away. My sister and I were left with full responsibility for Mom, who is 95 and has Alzheimer's disease. We debated putting her in a nursing home, but decided she'd be better off in familiar surroundings, so we kept her at home with "Inga," a live-in caregiver who had been recommended by a previous live-in. We visited Mom often, usually the two of us together.
Mom can barely walk with a walker, so we don't try to take her out anymore. Imagine our shock when the police called one night, saying they had Mom at the police station. Inga had been arrested for shoplifting. After being put into a squad car, she told police she had left Mother in a car in the parking lot. However, she refused to tell them who my mother was! Miraculously, Mom remembered her address, but not her name. The police went to her home, found someone in the house (to this day we don't know who), and located my phone number.
We had questioned Inga about missing items at the house. Food disappeared unusually fast and so did detergent. Phone bills and utilities were also higher than usual. We don't know how many times Mom had been left alone in the car during Inga's shoplifting sprees. Because of her poor memory, Mom couldn't tell us. When we cleaned out Inga's closet, we found many stolen items. Later, neighbors told us they had seen strange people coming and going out the back door. We suspect they had been sleeping in the attic or the basement.
We now have another live-in who seems trustworthy, but my sister and I drive by the house occasionally at night, talk to Mom's neighbors, and vary the days and hours we visit. No one in this situation should have a set routine. Relatives should drop in unexpectedly and keep their eyes open. If something doesn't seem right, it probably isn't. -- STILL IN SHOCK IN ILLINOIS
DEAR STILL IN SHOCK: Your letter is sure to be a wake-up call for many children of older adults. The obvious lesson to be learned is the importance of hiring through a reputable agency. When selecting and evaluating a respite-care service, help is available from the local Alzheimer's Association. In its "Respite Care Guide: How to Find What's Right for You," the association suggests that a prospective caregiver be asked the following questions:
-- "What is your training?"
-- "Why are you interested in this job?"
-- "What are your past/current home-care experiences?"
-- "Have you ever worked with someone with dementia?"
-- "When/how often are you available? Do you have backup if you're unable to come?"
-- "Are you bonded?"
-- "Who can I talk to at your agency if I have a concern?"
-- "Tell me about yourself ... your interests? Hobbies?"
-- "Why did you leave your past job?"
-- "Do you have any references?"
Do not settle on someone who doesn't make you feel comfortable. Interview several helpers, if necessary, to find the right person for your particular situation.
To purchase the "Respite Care Guide," call the Alzheimer's Association's toll-free number: (800) 272-3900. The cost is $1.75 per booklet. The guide can also be purchased at local Alzheimer's Association chapters.
Everybody has a problem. What's yours? Get it off your chest by writing to Dear Abby, P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, Calif. 90069. For a personal reply, please enclose a stamped, self-addressed envelope.